Sister Problem, need to get it sorted, any advice?

FattyBettyBoo

I agree with stayingupright, it sounds like she may be jealous.

Although we don't know your circumstances well, it sounds like your life is pretty good .. wedding, baby etc. My sister has been trying to conceive for 3 years and has been unsuccessful and makes constant comments (often nasty ones) about the fact that I have a child and she doesn't. She was really upset last week and said it was because she had had very bad news. When I asked her what the bad news was she said "My friend at work is pregnant". Some people find it hard to be happy for others when things aren't turning out the way they planned in their own life.

gratefulforhelp_2

I'm voting for jealous, a wedding and a baby.

Also, unfortunately when you get married there is always at least one person who decides it is all about them. I think you just have to carry on with you plans (of course invite her) with as much dignity as you can muster.

And babies aren't boring, though admittedly they can be smelly!!

January20

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Lots of guesses following - maybe they're wrong, maybe they're not.



Could it be possible that she doesn't actually like your OH?

I'm no good at making small talk with people I don't know, never mind actually dislike and even more so if I'm expected to be best buddies with them just because they happen to be connected with someone I actually love. Boyfriends' sisters have hated me because I don't instantly proclaim sisterhood and share my most intimate secrets with them just because they share the same parents as someone I do like. Your sister even says she hardly knows your OH. Of course, it could be your OH that doesn't like your sister and and she is getting the message loud and clear that she is to back off from you.


It might be the baby herself. Babies are pretty boring, smelly and noisy as well. I far prefer kittens and puppies. It doesn't make a screaming, puking infant any more attractive to me if they are genetically linked to me any more distant than being a child of my own. Very protective Mums give off 'get away from my child' or 'this is the most wonderful creature in the world and you must all adore her as much as we do' vibes, which don't help either. I certainly wouldn't insist on making a fuss over someone else's baby just to fit preconceived notions of how I should behave around them. I felt nothing towards my last boyfriend's nieces and nephews. Why would I feel something? There were a couple that were rather sweet at times, but the rest were just snotty nosed kids. Much like any child in the street, some were tolerable, some were more likeable the further away from be they were kept. ?



If she doesn't like her, or doesn't like children/has had a miscarriage/fertility problems/whatever (no reason why you should know everything about her after all), maybe she doesn't feel like being all smiley and cooing over you, your other half or the baby.





In any case, for whatever reason, she's back at home. Probably not too pleased about it. You're having a nice life and send a card giving very special news just to your parents. So she hasn't even been told, even if you've sent out a hundred of the things, to her, you/your OH hasn't bothered including her. More subtle 'back off - he's mine now' messages? (Even if in error, feelings are feelings)


Living with parents is stressful, even without other complications, she's possibly brooding upon being excluded from the wedding details and whatever has led to her being back at home, then she gets an earbashing from your mother saying 'guru and soon to be mrsguru saw you out and you ignored them. That's really rude, why are you being such a baby, sulking because you didn't get a card...' interspersed with 'baby...baby.....baby.....wedding (that she hasn't been invited to)...baby....wedding....' plus your Mum could actually be quite hurt on the quiet that she isn't as involved in your wedding as she would like and whilst your sister gets to hear it all, you aren't told anything for fear of upsetting your OH because of the baby.




Then you get the upset phone call from your sister, it all goes a bit over the top and your sister, when put on the spot by your visit, isn't two faced, hypocritical or snidey, but keeps to what she has said. After all, what would be the point of saying how upset she was, as taking a telling off from you, if she was then to go 'aww, look at the lubbly ickle babbie!' at the first meeting? It would mean that her feelings were nothing. And even though they are not your problem, they are still genuine feelings and she has the right to not be as adoring of a baby or a fully grown woman as you quite rightly are.




Perhaps on a quieter time, when it is just you, not you and your OH, not you and the baby, not you, your Mum and the rest of the world, you speak to her and apologise if she has felt excluded? You didn't mean to do that, and because you love your OH and the baby so much, it hadn't occurred to you that it could be different for her, especially when she's had a rough time of it just when everything seems to be going so well for you. And you won't put pressure on her to make friends with your OH, but you hope that she is able to get to know your daughter, even if it is when she is a little older and isn't with her mum all the time, as you can't think of anyone better to be in you and your daughter's life.


Bit of a stream of consciousness there, trying to cover all the possible things going on there that haven't already been covered by other posters, but I hope you get the idea that it might not be your sister totally in the wrong here.

I think this is a great, sensitive and mature post - much more thought out than just saying she is jealous!

ska_lover

I'm voting for highly immature. It is unforgivable to ignore a newborn neice! I wouldn't be concerned about speaking to my sister if she behaved like that.

euronorris

onlyroz wrote: »

How is a "save the date" card different to a "wedding invite"? I can see why your sister might think that you hadn't wanted her at the wedding if she didn't get one. Sounds like you need to find a way to explain the difference to her...

I was still at my parents when my sister sent a 'save the date' fridge magnet.

She only sent one though, as we were all in the same house. Didn't make sense to send 2.

They weren't personally addressed though, and I was chief bridesmaid so I was already sure of my involvement.

Teddy_KGB

Deleted_User wrote: »

however she won't talk to me, i have tried txt'ing to no avail and today we went round with our new baby, sister was in yet she refused to acknowledge us and didn't even want to see her new niece, my mother was so embarrassed in front of my partner.
\

You've tried, so I'd leave her to it, she'll probably make contact in her own time.

Person_one

You should have either sent her a separate save the date card or made sure her name was on the one that was sent to the household.

Its tough enough moving back in with parents as an adult without having everyone start treating you like their dependant child again. Would you have sent her her own card if she lived anywhere else?

Honestly though, I think there's a lot more to this than is in the OP.