Sister Problem, need to get it sorted, any advice?

[Deleted User]

I have a older sister who has moved back in with mum & dad temporary, we have had a massive argument a few months back and i want to sort it out.
It happened because my partner sent out a save the date card for our wedding to my parents house and not one directly to my sister, she then saw my parents open it and assumed it was a wedding invite and she didn't have one, she went all quiet ( according to mother ) weeks later me and my partner called round to mams and saw my sister in her car waiting at a junction so we waved so saw us ( or so we thought ) and she turned away, we told our mam and she just said forget it, so i did.
Then i get a call from my sister ranting down the phone saying i had said to our mam she had seen us and ignored me, she denies it, anyway then she started going on about my partner saying she hardly knows her and i aren't involving my parents in the wedding, i don't want her round my house etc etc, i have asked her repeatedly to call round and visit but theres always a reason why she doesn't, and the odd time when we are all together she doesn't make any effort ot make a conversation with my partner?
So one thing led to another and i said a few things down the phone, it ended with her saying she would not be at my wedding next year and me saying whatever!
Anyway that was a few months ago, my poor parents are in the middle and i want to resolve this issue, however she won't talk to me, i have tried txt'ing to no avail and today we went round with our new baby, sister was in yet she refused to acknowledge us and didn't even want to see her new niece, my mother was so embarrassed in front of my partner.
My question is what should i do to fix this, she's my sister and i love her to bits but she's so stubborn, i just want it all ok between us again.\

Emmzi

write her a letter - it's harder to ignore or hang up on a letter. A papery letter she can't hit delete on in a moment of anger.

then you will have done all you can, and you have to respect her decision not to fix it if she doesn't want to.

Blue_Elephant

Deleted_User wrote: »

Dear [sister's name],

I [STRIKE]have a older sister who has moved back in with mum & dad temporary[/STRIKE], I know we have had a massive argument a few months back and i want to sort it out.

It happened because my partner sent out a save the date card for our wedding to [STRIKE]my[/STRIKE] our parents' house and not one directly to my [STRIKE]parents[/STRIKE] you, [STRIKE]she[/STRIKE] you then saw our parents open it and assumed it was a wedding invite and she didn't have one, she went all quiet ( according to mother ).

Weeks later me and my partner called round to mams and thought we saw you in your car waiting at a junction so we waved, so saw us ( or so we thought ) and she turned away, we told our mam and she just said forget it, so i did.

Then i get a call from you [STRIKE]ranting down the phone[/STRIKE] very upset saying i had said to our mam she had seen us and ignored me, [STRIKE]she denies it[/STRIKE] you say you didn't, we didn't know.

anyway then she started talking about my partner saying she hardly knows her and i aren't involving my parents in the wedding, i don't want you round my house etc etc, i have asked you repeatedly to call round and visit but theres always a reason why you don't, and the odd time when we are all together it seems you don't make any effort to make a conversation with my partner?

So one thing led to another and i said a few things down the phone I didn't mean, it ended with you saying she would not be at my wedding next year and me saying whatever!

Anyway that was a few months ago, my poor parents are in the middle and i want to resolve this issue, however you won't talk to me, i have tried txt'ing to no avail and today we went round with our new baby, you were in yet she refused to acknowledge us and didn't even want to see your new niece. I was so upset.

My question is what should i do to fix this, you're my sister and i love you to bits but we can be so stubborn, i just want it all ok between us again.

All my love,

Theguru

\

What do you think?

pigpen

Id let her get on with it and stew in her own bile.. she is missin out on her niece a wedding (bet she comes anyway!) and all because of her own spite..

Why make any effort at all she is obviously not bothered and by begging her to talk to you it just makes you sounds desperate and accepting the blame (in her eyes) for the squabble in the first place.. if you see her, speak to her normally if she ignores you she looks like a moron.. just be yourself, she obviously is being herself!

Sensible_Jess

I'm probably the last person to give advice on good sisterly relationships as mine isn't so good but......

Blue Elephant's interpretation of your post looks like a good start for a letter.

However, if you wanted to speak to you sister rather than send a letter, why don't you go round to your parents, arrange for them to give you two some space alone in the house for a while (trip to pub, walk around the block etc..) and then see if she'll talk to you?
Work out what you want to say beforehand if that helps you to start a conversation.

I'd go on your own rather than with partner and baby in tow - it sounds to me like she avoided you all last time as she knows her behaviour wasn't OK.

Is she at a low point in her life and that's why she's reacted like she has? It's not easy having to move back in with your parents (not that that's an excuse mind)
Hope you get it all sorted out soon.

[Deleted User]

yeah i didn't let it show today in front of my mum and partner but i was really upset she didn't even want to see her niece....
its her birthday on saturday i will send her a card with a letter in it and if that doesn't work then i guess i'll just give up

marywooyeah

I wouldnt send her the letter on her birthday because it might make her angry or upset and then you would be accused of ruining her birthday eg "first you didnt invite me to your wedding and now you're ruining my birthday!" etc.

I'd wait a bit before sending it.

As for the baby, I don't have anything to do with my husband's brothers kid - soon to be kids - because his gf caused several problems in our family. A couple of years ago hubby wanted to invite his mum/bro/gf over for christmas - obviously with me paying for everything and cooking everything despite working christmas eve and boxing day. I said no for those reasons and also lack of space, tell them instead to come for a couple of hours in the evening for a mince pie and a drink. this was somehow relayed to the gf as "they only want family there" and she said well why is Mary there then! :eek:
when she tricked him into getting pregnant she lied several times about the due date, then sent me a card saying "To auntie Mary" - bit of a turn around from the above eh?
I just decided to keep a distance as they had hurt me a lot, and maybe your sister is the same because if she softens and starts playing with the baby etc and you become all friendly with each other again her upsets/anger will be swept under the carpet and she wants them to be recognised.
The letter is a good idea, however much you don't agree with how she feels she needs to be able to tell you how she feels and for you to listen and talk through. I'm sure you'll get on again after that, and congrats on the new baby!

onlyroz

How is a "save the date" card different to a "wedding invite"? I can see why your sister might think that you hadn't wanted her at the wedding if she didn't get one. Sounds like you need to find a way to explain the difference to her...

stayingupright

I don't know why your sister moved home OP, or her age, but is it possible that she is jealous of your life, whilst she is stuck with her parents? I'm not trying to justify, or excuse, her behaviour in any way, but I just wonder if it is a reason.

If she is envious of your new family, whilst shacked up with your folks, then her perceived lack of invite to your wedding, may have seemed like a terrible slight to her.

[Deleted User]

I tried to explain the error with the initial card but she wasn't having it, not sure what to do at the moment?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Lots of guesses following - maybe they're wrong, maybe they're not.



Could it be possible that she doesn't actually like your OH?

I'm no good at making small talk with people I don't know, never mind actually dislike and even more so if I'm expected to be best buddies with them just because they happen to be connected with someone I actually love. Boyfriends' sisters have hated me because I don't instantly proclaim sisterhood and share my most intimate secrets with them just because they share the same parents as someone I do like. Your sister even says she hardly knows your OH. Of course, it could be your OH that doesn't like your sister and and she is getting the message loud and clear that she is to back off from you.


It might be the baby herself. Babies are pretty boring, smelly and noisy as well. I far prefer kittens and puppies. It doesn't make a screaming, puking infant any more attractive to me if they are genetically linked to me any more distant than being a child of my own. Very protective Mums give off 'get away from my child' or 'this is the most wonderful creature in the world and you must all adore her as much as we do' vibes, which don't help either. I certainly wouldn't insist on making a fuss over someone else's baby just to fit preconceived notions of how I should behave around them. I felt nothing towards my last boyfriend's nieces and nephews. Why would I feel something? There were a couple that were rather sweet at times, but the rest were just snotty nosed kids. Much like any child in the street, some were tolerable, some were more likeable the further away from be they were kept. ?



If she doesn't like her, or doesn't like children/has had a miscarriage/fertility problems/whatever (no reason why you should know everything about her after all), maybe she doesn't feel like being all smiley and cooing over you, your other half or the baby.





In any case, for whatever reason, she's back at home. Probably not too pleased about it. You're having a nice life and send a card giving very special news just to your parents. So she hasn't even been told, even if you've sent out a hundred of the things, to her, you/your OH hasn't bothered including her. More subtle 'back off - he's mine now' messages? (Even if in error, feelings are feelings)


Living with parents is stressful, even without other complications, she's possibly brooding upon being excluded from the wedding details and whatever has led to her being back at home, then she gets an earbashing from your mother saying 'guru and soon to be mrsguru saw you out and you ignored them. That's really rude, why are you being such a baby, sulking because you didn't get a card...' interspersed with 'baby...baby.....baby.....wedding (that she hasn't been invited to)...baby....wedding....' plus your Mum could actually be quite hurt on the quiet that she isn't as involved in your wedding as she would like and whilst your sister gets to hear it all, you aren't told anything for fear of upsetting your OH because of the baby.




Then you get the upset phone call from your sister, it all goes a bit over the top and your sister, when put on the spot by your visit, isn't two faced, hypocritical or snidey, but keeps to what she has said. After all, what would be the point of saying how upset she was, as taking a telling off from you, if she was then to go 'aww, look at the lubbly ickle babbie!' at the first meeting? It would mean that her feelings were nothing. And even though they are not your problem, they are still genuine feelings and she has the right to not be as adoring of a baby or a fully grown woman as you quite rightly are.




Perhaps on a quieter time, when it is just you, not you and your OH, not you and the baby, not you, your Mum and the rest of the world, you speak to her and apologise if she has felt excluded? You didn't mean to do that, and because you love your OH and the baby so much, it hadn't occurred to you that it could be different for her, especially when she's had a rough time of it just when everything seems to be going so well for you. And you won't put pressure on her to make friends with your OH, but you hope that she is able to get to know your daughter, even if it is when she is a little older and isn't with her mum all the time, as you can't think of anyone better to be in you and your daughter's life.


Bit of a stream of consciousness there, trying to cover all the possible things going on there that haven't already been covered by other posters, but I hope you get the idea that it might not be your sister totally in the wrong here.