Concern about safety/ well being of my daughter - advice appreciated

clearingout

sorry - me again!

the drug thing. one photo of your ex taking cocaine (assuming that is what it was), does not a drug addict make. Plenty, plenty, plenty of parents use drugs on a recreational basis. It's illegal,it's not good. But they're not 'bad' parents otherwise and their children are not put into care in their hundreds. I would listen to what your daughter says (don't put words in her mouth), and look signs of drug abuse in your daughter - neglect, dirty, not eating, school work not so good, teachers commenting negatively, grapevine suggesting that there's a problem - as this is what will give you some leverage with social services and the courts. Not a photo which would, after all, be a set up for fun with her 'snorting' talc or other white substance! Mad thing to do, but people are generally mad, aren't they?!

ses6jwg

thegirlintheattic wrote: »

There's nothing in law wrong with it and I wouldn't be over-concerned if 'Dave' was regularly in a care giving role. I would look at it that if my child was in nappies I wouldn't want them left unchanged because mum/dad wasn't there to do it.

If you are really concerned you need to speak to your daughter and make sure he isn't touching her inappropriately and that she understands what places are private and are not to be touched.

As much as I hated doing it, I did ask her if she had been touched "there" and it was met with a distinct "no", so I changed the subject quickly and moved on.

It is extremely frustating because we do not have any communication it is easy for feelings to fester and you end up at the worst possible scenario.

This is happening on both sides. We attended medation recently and Ex brought up the issue of DDs behaviour. Now to me this was a non-issue because as far as I am concerned she is always good as gold for me, but it seems that for her mother she has become quite naughty, and naturally she is blaming me for it. Because there is no communication, it is difficult to address these issues properly and maturely.

Valli

thegirlintheattic wrote: »

If you are really concerned you need to speak to your daughter and make sure he isn't touching her inappropriately and that she understands what places are private and are not to be touched.

If you DO do this you are going to have to be very careful. Children are adept at giving answers they think the adults want. Oh! Too late!

If I were you I would make sure your daughter understands about secrets and secret-keeping and the ONLY secrets she should be asked to keep are good secrets, like presents and nice surprises. And we don't have to keep those secrets for very long anyway;) and daddy will never be cross if she tells you her secrets;)

ses6jwg

Valli wrote: »

No it is not illegal.

OP you are going to have to tread carefully here and watch what you are implying. (I mean in conversations IRL with ex partner/family/solicitor)

I personally would have thought a 16 YO youth is not mature enough to be in a relationship with a woman in her early twenties who has a child BUT we can all surmise why he IS in that relationship and what he's getting out of it. Happens time after time.

If it were my son I wouldn't be happy about the relationship - I would trust him to look after the little girl though!

The rather tragic thing about it is that he is probably more mature than she is.

Various friends have seen them out and about together and she talks to him like dirt. Hopefully he will grow up and see her for the waste of space that she has become, that's if she doesn't take herself off the pill without him knowing that is

thegirlintheattic

Valli wrote: »

If you DO do this you are going to have to be very careful. Children are adept at giving answers they think the adults want. Oh! Too late!

If I were you I would make sure your daughter understands about secrets and secret-keeping and the ONLY secrets she should be asked to keep are good secrets, like presents and nice surprises. And we don't have to keep those secrets for very long anyway;) and daddy will never be cross if she tells you her secrets;)

Quite right Valli.

OP - prehaps you both need to find a suitable method of communication for your daughter's sake. A diary maybe, e-mails, if face-to-face is too problematic.

Valli

I can quite see that if she is drug-taking with her daughter in the house.

Would explain the behaviour issue - ex probably expects a different level of 'good' behaviour than you - possibly wants her quiet and compliant.


Don't pump your daughter for information; but make sure she knows she can ALWAYS talk to you and you will ALWAYS listen.

And as for your relationship with her mum...

I know it's hard - it's taken me 7 years (of me trying really hard) to get my 'relationship' with my ex back to a decent enough level where we can talk about the Vallikids. Clearly impacted on DS though who isn't going to ask his dad and partner to his birthday meal because it will be 'awkward'. There was a lot of anger on my ex's part. But try to talk to your ex - even if it's just to say 'neutral' things - how well your daughter behaves in public; how well-dressed/cared for she clearly is. (Even if not 100% true it will 'oil the wheels'). Oh and keep up the good work!

heretolearn_2

What is it that really bothers you - about your daughter's welfare and safety (your ex's choice in boyfriend really isn't your business, even if a 16 year old does seem quite an odd choice!).

Is it

a) Having a 16 year old looking after your child?
b) Having your ex's boyfriend bathing your daughter?

These are two separate issues and you can't just lump them together into a general 'this whole situation makes me uncomfortable' thing. That's just getting funny about her choice of partner. I think clarifying and naming your concerns to yourself will help you get things in perspective.

Think about your reason.
If a), well, ok, I can see some reason for concern but on the other hand I think many of us babysat at 16 years old and were mature enough. There are 16 year old parents who do a good job. 16 year olds can work as nannies/au pairs/mothers helps/in nurseries. I think you need to trust that her mum loves her too and she won't leave her with a 'kid' who can't be trusted to look after her properly.

b) you are going to have to get over this. If you start suspecting any of her boyfriends for being a !!!!! just for helping out, you will drive yourself nuts. I don't see anything wrong with this - unless your daughter makes any comments about inappropriate touching - you can't start spotting !!!!!s under every bush. Whoever comes into your daughters life will do a lot of 'dad' stuff with her, if he is a decent bloke, and that will include bathing her, helping her dress, taking her swimming, having tickle fights with her etc. If you get a new girlfriend won't she be allowed near your daughter? Same thing.