Concern about safety/ well being of my daughter - advice appreciated

ses6jwg

Hello all,

I have just dropped my 4 year old daughter off after a lovely weekend together back with her Mum.

She said a few things this weekend which have had me a bit upset/ fraught.

Basically the background is that me and my ex do not get along for various reasons. Culminating in me taking her to court to get a contact order to see our daughter.

That's all fine. We do not speak directly as it always leads to confrontation and hurt on both sides.

I am 24 years old and my ex is 22.

In January I found out that my ex partner had started a relationship with a 16 year old (Yes, she is a bit mental in the head). For the sake of this thread we will call him Dave. Whilst concerned at first mutual friends and family ensured me that he is quite mature and is quite good with my daughter, so whilst I find it a bit uncomfortable there is not a lot I can do really as long as DD is safe that is fine. They are still in a relationship.

However this weekend I asked her if she had a bath yesterday as I always do.

She said "Yes Daddy, Dave gave me a bath".

"OK" I said, "So Mummy and Dave gave you a bath?".

"No silly, Mummy was at work, Dave just me a bath on his own"

Now I don't want to be accused of over reacting, or trying to pick faults, but please can someone tell me whether I am going insane here.

Is it:

A) Responsible to be allowing a 16 year old boy, who is a not a blood relative, to be looking after 4 year old girl without supervision.

Responsible to be allowing a 16 year old, who is not a blood relative, to be BATHING a 4 year old girl without her mother or other close relative being present.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I am genuinely at a loss as what to do.

I saw a video of EX snorting cocaine off a table outside DDs room last year, went to Social Services and they brushed it off and said there is nothing we can do.

I contacted EXs mother who I do not get on with, however on this occassion I thought my concerns were justified, but no response.

Help?

ses6jwg

sorry double post, please delete

clearingout

Honestly? Whilst I accept it's very worrying, there's not much you can do.

My ex's girlfriend had a 16 year old child who was regularly left in charge of 3 children (2 ours, one the girlfriends) under 5. We even had an occassion when the girlfriend's child managed to get out of the house (standing on a stool, unlocked the door) but was thankfully found my the neighbour before coming to any harm. The 16 year old could not be roused (fast asleep on the sofa). I understand when my ex and her broke up, she could no longer manage her older child and he ended up in a hostel - had drug and alcohol issues all along. Social Services didn't do anything because no harm was caused and because it's not actually illegal to leave your children in someone else's care like that - it only becomes an issue if the children come to some kind of harm and the parents could (could) be prosecuted for neglect.

At some level, you have to trust that your ex wouldn't leave her child with anyone who she considered would harm them. Just as she has to trust you do to the same. If the person concerned had been a niece or nephew, would it have caused you as much concern?

Keep an eye on it and let her know that you know what happened. If necessary, send a solicitor's letter but I'm not sure she has anything to answer to. Sorry - I know how hard it is.

balletshoes

ses6jwg wrote: »

Hello all,

I have just dropped my 4 year old daughter off after a lovely weekend together back with her Mum.

She said a few things this weekend which have had me a bit upset/ fraught.

Basically the background is that me and my ex do not get along for various reasons. Culminating in me taking her to court to get a contact order to see our daughter.

That's all fine. We do not speak directly as it always leads to confrontation and hurt on both sides.

I am 24 years old and my ex is 22.

In January I found out that my ex partner had started a relationship with a 16 year old (Yes, she is a bit mental in the head). For the sake of this thread we will call him Dave. Whilst concerned at first mutual friends and family ensured me that he is quite mature and is quite good with my daughter, so whilst I find it a bit uncomfortable there is not a lot I can do really as long as DD is safe that is fine. They are still in a relationship.

However this weekend I asked her if she had a bath yesterday as I always do.

She said "Yes Daddy, Dave gave me a bath".

"OK" I said, "So Mummy and Dave gave you a bath?".

"No silly, Mummy was at work, Dave just me a bath on his own"

Now I don't want to be accused of over reacting, or trying to pick faults, but please can someone tell me whether I am going insane here.

Is it:

A) Responsible to be allowing a 16 year old boy, who is a not a blood relative, to be looking after 4 year old girl without supervision.

Responsible to be allowing a 16 year old, who is not a blood relative, to be BATHING a 4 year old girl without her mother or other close relative being present.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I am genuinely at a loss as what to do.

I saw a video of EX snorting cocaine off a table outside DDs room last year, went to Social Services and they brushed it off and said there is nothing we can do.

I contacted EXs mother who I do not get on with, however on this occassion I thought my concerns were justified, but no response.

Help?

What else did you daughter say this weekend to make you feel uneasy, or is it just the bath thing? A babysitter could be left in charge of a 4-year old at age 16, with no other adult supervision (and would be paid for it). That same babysitter could have been asked to bath the child before bed, again, with no adult/parental supervision.

I'm way more concerned with the cocaine-snorting episode from the child's mother than I am with a 16-year old (who you seem to agree is mature and is treated as a partner by your ex) father figure bathing a 4-year old.

ses6jwg

clearingout wrote: »

Honestly? Whilst I accept it's very worrying, there's not much you can do.

My ex's girlfriend had a 16 year old child who was regularly left in charge of 3 children (2 ours, one the girlfriends) under 5. We even had an occassion when the girlfriend's child managed to get out of the house (standing on a stool, unlocked the door) but was thankfully found my the neighbour before coming to any harm. The 16 year old could not be roused (fast asleep on the sofa). I understand when my ex and her broke up, she could no longer manage her older child and he ended up in a hostel - had drug and alcohol issues all along. Social Services didn't do anything because no harm was caused and because it's not actually illegal to leave your children in someone else's care like that - it only becomes an issue if the children come to some kind of harm and the parents could (could) be prosecuted for neglect.

At some level, you have to trust that your ex wouldn't leave her child with anyone who she considered would harm them. Just as she has to trust you do to the same. If the person concerned had been a niece or nephew, would it have caused you as much concern?

Keep an eye on it and let her know that you know what happened. If necessary, send a solicitor's letter but I'm not sure she has anything to answer to. Sorry - I know how hard it is.

Thank you for your understanding.

ses6jwg

balletshoes wrote: »

What else did you daughter say this weekend to make you feel uneasy, or is it just the bath thing? A babysitter could be left in charge of a 4-year old at age 16, with no other adult supervision (and would be paid for it). That same babysitter could have been asked to bath the child before bed, again, with no adult/parental supervision.

I'm way more concerned with the cocaine-snorting episode from the child's mother than I am with a 16-year old (who you seem to agree is mature and is treated as a partner by your ex) father figure bathing a 4-year old.

Like I say social services were as much use as a chocolate gravy boat.

I ordered a drugs test in court and it came negative 5 months later and she is adament she is no longer on drugs.

shazsarg1

ses6jwg

I think you have every reason to be concerned about your daughter. Firstly this guy is 16 he has only just become age of consent to where it is leagal for him to have sex with someone, so what is your ex doing with a 16 year old.

I don't like the sound of this at all a 16 year old male bathing your 4 year old daughter is out of character. Is he just bathing her or is he touching her whilst she is in the bath.

I agree with clearingout. You need to keep an eye on things, let your ex know you know what happened and you are not happy about it. Is it illegal for a 16 year old to look after a 4year old if they are not a registered, qualified child minder

Could you not apply for full interim custody of your daughter.

Valli

shazsarg1 wrote: »

Is it illegal for a 16 year old to look after a 4year old if they are not a registered, qualified child minder

No it is not illegal.

OP you are going to have to tread carefully here and watch what you are implying. (I mean in conversations IRL with ex partner/family/solicitor)

I personally would have thought a 16 YO youth is not mature enough to be in a relationship with a woman in her early twenties who has a child BUT we can all surmise why he IS in that relationship and what he's getting out of it. Happens time after time.

If it were my son I wouldn't be happy about the relationship - I would trust him to look after the little girl though!

clearingout

I agree, it's not illegal and suggestions that this is somehow enough to get residence of a child don't help. It's not enough. Court will ignore it as a jealous father who can't deal with the fact his ex has moved on. It's worrying, I understand that (I'd be doing my nut!) but I'm long enough in the divorce tooth to know that there are plenty of things which are 'worrying' but out of the mouth of a 4 year old, can't be100% trusted as true and the child isn't showing any concerns about the issue. So why worry her? As I said before, would you be worried if a 16 year old niece of nephew bathed your 4 year old?

clearingout

OP - start a diary. Write the date and the words you daughter has used. Record any follow up you do with your ex. It will help you see if a pattern forms which is probably what you're going to need if you're going to take it any further. I would also be wary of suggesting to your daughter that this is somehow 'wrong' - if she's happy, that's fine. If she's unhappy, you might need to get a professional involved to question her appropriately.

thegirlintheattic

There's nothing in law wrong with it and I wouldn't be over-concerned if 'Dave' was regularly in a care giving role. I would look at it that if my child was in nappies I wouldn't want them left unchanged because mum/dad wasn't there to do it.

If you are really concerned you need to speak to your daughter and make sure he isn't touching her inappropriately and that she understands what places are private and are not to be touched.