Feel sad today

DUTR

LadyMorticia wrote: »

On the one hand, I'm with you. I have M.E and various mental health problems and my husband is my full-time carer and I understand how hard it is to live every day in pain, unfortunately.:(

But on the other hand, I know how hard it can be for partners, friends, and family to look after someone day in and day out, knowing there isn't anything they can do to take the pain away.
It's hard living with the conditions we have, but it's also hard having to care for someone with our conditions.:(

:grouphug:

Indeed good on you for giving credit where it is due , lets hope her fiance becomes her husband, because truth be known many partners would soon disappear

LadyMorticia

DUTR wrote: »

Indeed good on you for giving credit where it is due , lets hope her fiance becomes her husband, because truth be known many partners would soon disappear

No doubt many would.

I commend my DH for staying with me.:o
I had the mental health problems when we met and he knew about them, but I developed the M.E whilst we were together. Many would have upped and left but my DH stayed and even married me when I had all my diagnoses!

He mostly does things for me gracefully but he does grumble sometimes and I let him. I know how hard it is for him, not just me. I really do commend carers for looking after so many of us with illnesses and I wish there was more help out there for them. My CPN keeps asking my DH if he wants a carers assessment but he politely refuses because he says that caring for me is his duty as a husband anyway, and that may be, but he has to give me so much more care than a husband would give a non-disabled wife (or vice versa) and I just wish that he would realise that if he does need or want help that he every right to ask for it too.:o

CRH71

I didn't want to just read and run on this thread..

I'm actually in the same position as the OP's fiancee, and my wife sounds very much like the OP with the constant pain making life very uncomfortable indeed.

It is one of the hardest things in the world to watch your loved one, your chosen partner, the mother of your children constantly suffering pain and crying out with that pain, especially on movement and knowing there is nothing more that can be done for her apart from offering sympathy. It is frustrating, difficult to cope with and can lead to feelings of helplessness on the carer's part.

Talking about how the carer is feeling, sometimes, can cause the carer to somehow feel "guilty" so it is often easier for the carer to say nothing and "suffer in silence".

I have, in all fairness, said the same thing to my wife - certainly along the lines of "and will always be" - but in our case it followed a discussion we'd had where we'd spoken and understood the true extent of her illness and the impact of them. In a lot of ways this conversation started us both, somehow "accepting" that "we are where we are" and to take everything one day at a time rather then concentrate too much on the future and what it might bring.

I don't think he was being purposely untactful - sometimes the sheer frustration and helplessness comes out in this way because we carers just simply don't know WHAT to say to help alleviate your suffering - it's difficult for us, too! I'm sure he loves and cares for you a great deal, and would hate for any harm to befall you, but sometimes our frustrations "spill out" in the manner of what happened here - it's an unfortunate consequence of two people living with the same disability, day in, day out but each seeing it from a different perspective to the other and a measure of the frustration you both feel at the helplessness of the situation you find yourselves in.

Go and have a cuddle, and reassure each other - he'll be feeling hurt, too - he probably hates himself at the moment because he thinks he's hurt you as well and is berating himself for adding to your discomfort.