Feel sad today

pinkfluffythings

.... all because of a silly comment by my Fiance.

I have Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, Diabetes and just found out I have cancer but its very treatable and all I'm ok with it all. Doctors are just going to cut part of my leg out and I might have to use a chemo cream but not giving me any bother really.

Its mainly the fibro and arthritis that give me the most bother, everyday its a different pain here or there, sore heads, generally feeling like I've been beat up. I try my best not to let it get my mood down, always as happy as I can be and put on a front to other people that my life is wonderful. My OH is supportive but a man with sometimes very bad tact and his mouth opens without engaging his brain.

I feel like I moan everyday about a different pain or soreness so now unless its bad I don't say anything. I am always sore around my back, neck legs but sometimes more that usual.
So today I woke up this morning at about 8, really bad pains in each side of my hips going down my legs and on inside of legs, feels like I've been to the gym for the first time in years. You can actually notice I'm walking funny today I think

Went to the shops and in the car on the way back (I had told him how sore I was today and that is why he drove so I didn't have to hurt myself) I said, God my head agony, going to take a painkiller when we get in..... I'm really having a bad day arn't I?? But as usual it was said in a jokey way, I usually make a joke of it.

He says, I thought we were having a nice wee day, I said yes of course we are but I'm just !!!!!!! sore. He replied why don't you tell me where you're not sore.
Grrrrrrr

I hate it when he says things like this, makes me think I'm a big moaner and he can't be bothered. Sometimes his face says it really.
Ended up in a row when we got home, he hates hearing that I'm not well and that I'm sore, it gets him down and he hates that apart from a few tablets there is nothing else I can take/do/treatment to ease the pain and fibro symptoms like the soreness and in his words "will always be" thanks for that!

I know he cares but sometimes they way he says something makes me want to cry/scream/walk out. I don't have anyone else to talk to bar him and my Mum who understands and when I say I'm having a crap day does the usual Mummy thing and says away and sit down and rest. All I would like would be a hug or a "feel better soon" I don't want sympathy or wrapped in cotton wool.

Also while I'm clearing out my brain on here the housework is killing me, its just me, him, 2 cats and a wee dog the size of a teddy. I seem to have endless dishes, washing, tidying.. the bedroom always seems like a tip and I feel like anything I do during the day is wrecked as soon as my OH comes home from work and leaves everything at his bum.

Sorry for the ramble but I know lots of people on here are good listeners / readers xx

make_me_wise

Oh hun you deserve a massive hug. I couldn't cope with all you have to and remain so cheery I can tell you. I dont agree with what your fiance said to you. Sometimes though blokes just do not know how to handle situations. They think that when we mention our problems or niggles we are looking for them to take on the world and solve it all. When all we really need is a good listener and a bit of empathy. I am sure he loves you dearly and is feeling very frustrated that he cant do more to take the pain away. Try to have a chat with him and explain all this, clear the air.

lolseh

I've got fibro etc and I don't really talk about it or if I'm in pain. I used to have friends with it but I've ended up stopping talking to them because all they basically talked about was the fact they were in pain or not feeling well. If I happened to mention I was in pain (pain has to be really bad for me to mention it) they would just ignore it. I felt like listening to all their moaning was getting me down and once I stopped talking to them I felt much more positive and not living my life around illness. So I can see his point because it could really be getting him down if he hears you saying you aren't feeling well alot. Yes we all like to moan but I think we forget people get sick of it eventually!

Jennifer_Jane

Can't really help, but you sound amazing! Sounds like he needs to help a bit more (and I would say that even if you weren't so poorly). Rule in my house is that if I cook, then he washes up! He should, at least, look after himself a bit, doing his own washing and so on.

But, I have to confess, I'm not good at relationships, so this is just to say that I read your post, and feel for you. It also sounds as if he's very concerned for you too, and this was just a slip of the tongue. Hope you feel a bit better, and that this doesn't lead to a disagreement.

dirtysexymonkey

victoria_p wrote: »

.... all because of a silly comment by my Fiance.

I have Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, Diabetes and just found out I have cancer but its very treatable and all I'm ok with it all. Doctors are just going to cut part of my leg out and I might have to use a chemo cream but not giving me any bother really.

Its mainly the fibro and arthritis that give me the most bother, everyday its a different pain here or there, sore heads, generally feeling like I've been beat up. I try my best not to let it get my mood down, always as happy as I can be and put on a front to other people that my life is wonderful. My OH is supportive but a man with sometimes very bad tact and his mouth opens without engaging his brain.

I feel like I moan everyday about a different pain or soreness so now unless its bad I don't say anything. I am always sore around my back, neck legs but sometimes more that usual.
So today I woke up this morning at about 8, really bad pains in each side of my hips going down my legs and on inside of legs, feels like I've been to the gym for the first time in years. You can actually notice I'm walking funny today I think

Went to the shops and in the car on the way back (I had told him how sore I was today and that is why he drove so I didn't have to hurt myself) I said, God my head agony, going to take a painkiller when we get in..... I'm really having a bad day arn't I?? But as usual it was said in a jokey way, I usually make a joke of it.

He says, I thought we were having a nice wee day, I said yes of course we are but I'm just !!!!!!! sore. He replied why don't you tell me where you're not sore.
Grrrrrrr

I hate it when he says things like this, makes me think I'm a big moaner and he can't be bothered. Sometimes his face says it really.
Ended up in a row when we got home, he hates hearing that I'm not well and that I'm sore, it gets him down and he hates that apart from a few tablets there is nothing else I can take/do/treatment to ease the pain and fibro symptoms like the soreness and in his words "will always be" thanks for that!

I know he cares but sometimes they way he says something makes me want to cry/scream/walk out. I don't have anyone else to talk to bar him and my Mum who understands and when I say I'm having a crap day does the usual Mummy thing and says away and sit down and rest. All I would like would be a hug or a "feel better soon" I don't want sympathy or wrapped in cotton wool.

Also while I'm clearing out my brain on here the housework is killing me, its just me, him, 2 cats and a wee dog the size of a teddy. I seem to have endless dishes, washing, tidying.. the bedroom always seems like a tip and I feel like anything I do during the day is wrecked as soon as my OH comes home from work and leaves everything at his bum.

Sorry for the ramble but I know lots of people on here are good listeners / readers xx

sounds like you were the one who overreacted. it cant be easy living with all your conditions, but in the same way it cant be easy living with someone with all your conditions. it sounds like your putting a lot on him and thats not fair. maybe you should ask to have some counselling so hes not the only person you can talk to?

Kay_Peel

It's a terrible, terrible thing to watch someone you love suffering. You are powerless and words of comfort wear thin as time goes on. The future is uncertain and you're scared.

It's double-difficult if you have to tip-toe around the sufferer and watch your words. You can't be yourself, you put on a strong brave face and you keep your thoughts to yourself because she's got enough on her plate. Do you think that his latest insensitive remarks were a ham-fisted way of telling how low he's getting?

I think he needs to talk to someone about how he's coping with the strain of your illnesses. I think you need to cut him some slack.

Good luck.

jascrawf

I am right with you, it's hurtful when your OH comes out with a comment about something you can't control. I used to get really upset about it but over time I've learnt to deal with it. My OH broke down once and cried so much because of my health problems. He opened up and I saw life from his perspective - what it's like for him to live with me, how there are so many physical things I can't do, how I can't keep the house immaculate like I used to, how I struggle to cook dinner for him every night etc. I still get upset with his comments from time to time but usually I try to remind myself that it's hard for him too.

Thinking this way helps me deal with the comments but at the same time I feel like a massive burden on him. I feel especially bad when the house is a tip when he comes in from work. He says doesn't mind but I know it's affecting him. I guess it's just really hard for both parties concerned. Sending you some big hugs

desert_rose

Men, when presented with a problem, are hardwired to offer solutions. Their way of coping with upset is to withdraw when they can't solve a problem that you've presented to them - because they can't offer a solution!

It really is the way they think.

If you preface your moans and groans (no disrespect meant here, we all do it!) with a question, such as:

'Do you think a lie down would be best?', or 'Feeling a bit down,can I have a cuddle?'.
You may just find that changing the usual narrative has the effect of changing the behaviour.

Got to be worth a go.

j.e.j.

Could it just be that your fiance is feeling the pressure of being your 'carer' for much of the time?

pinkfluffythings

Thanks for all the replies xx

We've had a chat but I'm not sure he knows why I was so upset about it, but hes sorry for a quiet life I suppose lol

I understand this is hard for him but its not easy for me either, hes not really my carer as I do everything for myself and if anything I'm his carer!

Feeling better now but he says it himself, he just has no idea what I'm feeling or going through or how it actually physically makes me feel.

Thanks again for all the help xx

LadyMorticia

On the one hand, I'm with you. I have M.E and various mental health problems and my husband is my full-time carer and I understand how hard it is to live every day in pain, unfortunately.:(

But on the other hand, I know how hard it can be for partners, friends, and family to look after someone day in and day out, knowing there isn't anything they can do to take the pain away.
It's hard living with the conditions we have, but it's also hard having to care for someone with our conditions.:(

:grouphug: