Lack of confidence holding me back...?

crazycatlady1984

Hi all, (not strictly money related but looking for a bit of advice )

Just had meeting with manager in work who has raised the point that I appear to have v little confidence and feels that this is going to hold me back in my career.

Not quite sure why this has upset me so much, but it really has. I have low confidence about just about everyhitng, its pretty much just the way I am unfortunately, but I do my best to fake it, ie being as bubbly and outgoing as I can etc, so I'm now obviously concerned that a) despite my efforts, it is still v obvious and that its going to hold me back in my career.

Has anybody ever gone through anything similar? Is "faking it" not enough as I am unsure how to completely overhaul the way I am!

Would obviously love to be more confident, not just in work, so I'm off to have a browse on amazon for some self help booked :rotfl: - any other advice would be much appreciated!

chalkie99

Perhaps faking it is the problem and is making you seen as trying too hard to be something you are not.

Relax - and be yourself!

Jerryjerryjerry

I totally relate. I have been for several interviews lately and the feedback is always along the lines of.... she didn't appear very confident. She didn't sell herself well enough. She didn't come across as being able to do the job. She appeared very nervous. etc. etc. It really annoys me because I am a very hard worker. Never late for work. Have only had one day off in the last two years through sickness and i'm perfectly capable of doing any job i've applied for (wouldn't apply otherwise).. and yet I rarely get job offers.

I look good on paper (cv), but in person, I guess I lack confidence. But its only when I meet new people. Or people I find intimidating. ie. police men or traffic wardens or chairmen/directors who throw their weight around.

Like you, I am very bubbly and smiley when relaxed and I think I come across as being confident. But maybe others can see through the facade?

koloko

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crazycatlady1984

Koloko, thanks, I will check out that book just now!

Jerry, thank you, I've been pretty upset all morning, you've made me realise that its not exactly an unheard of problem, I'm not the only one with this issue! I know its a common thing, I shouldnt let it upset me too much.


However, one thing I absolutely despise is arrogant ppl, so I am always v conscious of not wanting to be like this, always v humble etc, but I guess maybe I'm going too far that way - need to learn the difference between confidence and arrogance I guess :cool:

Jerryjerryjerry

crazycatlady1984 wrote: »

Koloko, thanks, I will check out that book just now!

Jerry, thank you, I've been pretty upset all morning, you've made me realise that its not exactly an unheard of problem, I'm not the only one with this issue! I know its a common thing, I shouldnt let it upset me too much.


However, one thing I absolutely despise is arrogant ppl, so I am always v conscious of not wanting to be like this, always v humble etc, but I guess maybe I'm going too far that way - need to learn the difference between confidence and arrogance I guess :cool:

I know what you mean about the humble thing. I am always very humble. I can't stand it when people are rude to waitresses in restaurants and I end up going over the top the other way and being a bit of a groveller! This ends up with people not respecting me because i'm a bit too humble. I guess there is a danger of being so humble, you become humiliated!

I think the key is balance. Go through life not being rude, but also remember you are just as important as the next person. Don't bow and scrape.

heretolearn_2

I used to be exactly the same, no confidence and would turn bright red if I ever had to say anything to a group or in a meeting, it used to drive me mad as I didn't feel as bad as I looked/acted but couldn't stop myself!

To some degree faking it works as it gets you through a situation and the best cure for lack of confidence is experience, and successes in doing something. This naturally boosts your confidence and it's a tiny bit easier next time. The more you do something, the better you'll get. I went from that to running my own business, meeting all sorts of people, making presentations and talking at public meetings and seminars in just a few years because I started off forcing myself to do it. Now I feel pretty relaxed.

Is there any way you can boost your confidence in these areas away from work? I do volunteer work at a local tourist attraction, talking to visitors, and have done for years. Weirdly enough I quickly got over any nerves there and was like a totally different person. I think the difference was that at my volunteer place I was officially 'in charge' of the groups and the 'expert' and was just doing this for fun for me and them. whereas at work there's a lot more pressure and you feel you have to prove yourself - and I know a lot of women have this little critical voice running through their heads about not really deserving/being capable of their role. Does that sound familiar at all? Once I twigged that I was fine in a different situation I used to just psyche myself up about before something scary professionally and move myself into that more relaxed, confident 'expert' role, even though I was still sort of faking it. At least I was faking it based on something real and it made all the difference. As I say, now I'm confident at work.

'Very bubbly' and 'smiley' don't necessarily say confident to me. Nervous grins/smiles/laughs/talking a lot is common and makes you look worse...try aiming for 'professional and in control' instead.

Confidence has nothing at all to do with arrogance. A lot of people who act arrogant probably feel even worse than you do, it's just their reaction to it is difference. I also see arrogance often happening due to lack of confidence.

bluenoseam

There's a fine line between arrogance & confidence, however there are times were arrogance isn't misplaced - remember that! I had problem with nerves during an interview last week and honestly it shattered me, the hardest thing to do is get the point across that you KNOW you're good enough in your job, but if you know that you can do a thing then you need to understand that it's not being arrogant to say that you know it, it's telling the truth. You don't need to be convinced that you're the best in the world at what you do, but if you're proud of your work and know it's done right then there's NOTHING wrong with saying about it, humility is a very fine character trait, but you won't find many truly humble people marching up the career path, all of them know they're good at what they do (some rightly, some wrongly) and that's why they're there.

I wish you luck in finding whatever it takes to improve your confidence.

Horace

I know exactly where you are coming from - I had a bout of depression recently and was diagnosed yesterday as having low self esteem and after mulling it over, I have to agree. I am seeing a counsellor to help me see myself in a positive light (a lot of this low self esteem stems from my childhood). People think that I am a bubbly confident person but that is the 'front' I have put on for so long, in reality I don't feel that way at all:(

I can remember when I worked for a particular boss - he noticed that I would say yes to everything even if that left me struggling with piles of work that I hadn't a hope in hell's chance of doing, in the end he suggested I attend a course called Springboard (it is just for women - yes, I am a woman before anyone asks:rotfl:). This meant meeting with groups of other woman from my workplace (I worked at a uni) and we met each month for 6 months and talked about why we were there and what we hoped to achieve. On day one, we talked about the skills that we had and it was quite surprising that most of us only thought of ourselves as secretaries and had never given our other skills e.g baking cakes, wallpapering, etc as actual skills that we could possibly share. I went into that room not really being able to talk to anybody to discovering at the end of the 6 months that I could stand there and talk to the group, it must have worked because I was invited back to speak about me. Springboard helped me -my boss was amused when I started saying no:rotfl:

smileylondongal

When your manager told you about the confidence 'issue' did she explain how she would help you? I feel as a manager, I am obliged to give someone with low confidence as much help as possible if I feel that they have real potential. It's no good telling someone 'you won't make it because you're unconfident' and it's not just the individual who has to make the change.

If s/he hasn't, next time you have a 1:1, tell them you've had an opportunity to think about what they said and you'd like to do X. that way, they'll know you've been thinking about how to develop yourself and push forward in your career, and will need their help to do it.

Just as an example, I had a fantastic employee who was very low in confidence and I would have regular development catch ups to understand where her 'safe' areas were and where she felt she didn't do so well because of it. Slowly, we built up her skills and whilst she's still not completely where she wants to be, she feels a hundred miles further along.

Worth a shot!

crazycatlady1984

smileylondongal wrote: »

When your manager told you about the confidence 'issue' did she explain how she would help you? I feel as a manager, I am obliged to give someone with low confidence as much help as possible if I feel that they have real potential. It's no good telling someone 'you won't make it because you're unconfident' and it's not just the individual who has to make the change.

If s/he hasn't, next time you have a 1:1, tell them you've had an opportunity to think about what they said and you'd like to do X. that way, they'll know you've been thinking about how to develop yourself and push forward in your career, and will need their help to do it.

Just as an example, I had a fantastic employee who was very low in confidence and I would have regular development catch ups to understand where her 'safe' areas were and where she felt she didn't do so well because of it. Slowly, we built up her skills and whilst she's still not completely where she wants to be, she feels a hundred miles further along.

Worth a shot!

heya smileylondongal, thanks for that, no, she didn't actually. I didn't really give much thought to that, but you're right, maybe she should have?

ach, I dunno, I'm just a bit overwelmed by it all to be honest. I'd say that despite my low confidence I've always been fairly capable, ie despite feeling inadequate all through school came out with top marks in my exams, have two degrees and have had some good jobs. Just seems a bit of a slap in the face to be told, more or less, that despite being "capable" of doing a job, the way I am perceived could be holding me back. Not loving that

On the flip side of that, I do know that whilst some ppl, if asked to do something will go "yeah, no problem at all, I'll get that done" whereas my initial reaction is often "omg, am I smart enough to do that? Do I know what I'm doing?" and I guess thats written all over my face which isnt good.

oh well, plenty to work on some books purchased from amazon already!