Is my dad cheating on my mum?

Advice_wanted_3

[FONT=&quot]I have created a new username on here to ask this question, I dont want to give away my identity and add misery to the situation. Here goes....

a little about me

I’m 26 years old and I still live at home (that’s another story for another day!) with both my parents and some siblings.

the issue

My dad was helping me buy something online the other evening and i was setting him up a account and I caught a glance of his unread emails for an "affairs" website which said he had a private message waiting for him. (did not look like junk by the way)

Now I checked the website exists and it does but I didn’t join the website to see if he is on there (which is an option but i think it’s a bit wrong). Now for some more details. My parents, although married for 20+ years and living together have not spoken for about 7 years, it’s weird though, she will cook us all dinner including him and they make each cups of tea but my mum !!!!!ES about him all the time and they never speak to each other. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]They will go their separate ways in the future and I accept that and have done for a long while... but they are still married. i think they are waiting until the mortgage is paid in around a years’ time. they also snoop through each other’s paperwork in the house.

Now of course I don’t know everything which has gone on in their marriage and it is actually not my business really, however I feel really torn about what to do, as I see I have a few options:

a) Tell my mum what I saw and let her do what she wants with that information, after all if someone is cheating on my mum then she deserves to know. also could this information help her in divorce proceedings? Do I want to contribute to this in any way!?

b) Ignore the private message in his inbox, especially as that’s the only indication he might be playing away (I could check the website)

c) speak to my siblings and ask them too (I don’t like this option really, as my family is actually quite fractured and one sibling is a daddy’s girl and the other is a mummy girl - i am neither!)

d) Approach him and tell him what I saw and tell him that he is worth a lot more than an "affairs" dating site and he should wait until they actually start divorce proceedings at least before looking to date.

Now I prefer option d, however I have a few points in my mind such as who am I to "judge" what is right and wrong in this marriage. I should not interfere. But why do I feel guilty every time I see my mum? Also option d would not be more than him denying it and me just accepting it, he is not a big talker so it wouldn’t be a big heart to heart or anything.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]He has allegedly about 3 years ago offered her some money to "disappear" and leave the house.
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[FONT=&quot]he has allegedly about a year ago asked if she would consider marriage counselling, she declined. (effectively the marriage is dead?)
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[FONT=&quot]I really am torn about what to do. What do you guys think? I want the least painful but fairest option.
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pigpen

If you feel option d is best for you go with it.. I would make it clear how you think your mum would feel about such a reveation.. but then if he admitted an affair to me I would tell my mum.. there is nothing worse than someone sneaking about and feeling like everybody knew but you!

I might be something and nothing and you may be reading too much into it.

On the other hand.. he might have been playing away for years and your mother doesnt care!

mikey72

What they're doing works for them.

so,
b)
or you'll end up the one no one speaks to as well.

Emmzi

agreed, sounds like they are more flatmates than married and for all you know your mum also has a boyfriend. She is bound to know - the wife always does - but is choosing to do nothing for a reason.

thegirlintheattic

I'd ignore it tbh, nothing to do with you and one e-mail isn't proof.

Especially since from what you said your parents are married in name only and there is no longer any feelings there. It would be slightly different if you mum was blissfully married and your dad was maybe playing away and lying to her, but it is clearly not like that and for all you know this is the arrangement that works for them.

melancholly

if it was a relationship that looked happy from the outside, then perhaps speaking to your dad would make sense. but this clearly is no longer a 'marriage' - as Emmzi says, they sound like flatmates. don't get yourself in the middle of the end of their marriage. if they are waiting until next year when the mortgage is paid off (or for when siblings reach a certain age or all the kids move out) you'll only accelerate something in an uncontrolled way.

personally, i would stay well away from being in the middle of your parents' marriage, especially based on some hearsay about what may have happened in the past and an idea of something that may not be happening now. it's only going to force you to have to take sides and you should prepare to hear things you really would never want to about either of them. i think it's appalling that your mum is bad mouthing him all the time btw - even when relationships end, parents should really not put kids in the middle, no matter what age they are.

it all just sounds like it has the potential to get very ugly very quickly and i wouldn't want to initiate that war!

Tropez

Most of these "affairs" sites require you to be a member to look, but not necessarily a paying one. It is then standard policy to send lots of phoney private messages to non-paying members to coax them into signing up for a paid subscription so that they can view these messages, although they'll never hear back from the "person" (read bot) that sent them if they actually respond.

There can be various reasons why people might sign up to these sites and it isn't entirely unfeasible that somebody with a kink for amateur !!!!!! would sign up because most of the pictures on such sites are very revealing and the profile information may also humanise the person more so than watching two complete strangers in a video from a !!!!!! tube site. It is worth considering that for many people the fantasy is more stimulating than the reality.

With that in mind, you haven't got much proof. You also don't really have any proof that this wasn't some sort of spam masquerading as a legitimate PM from a legitimate site. I'm sure most of us have had the various "You've a new message!" email notification from a dodgy website we've never visited before and even though the site may exist on the Internet, there's no real way of knowing that it isn't a site that engages in this sort of marketing practice. Sometimes simply being a member of an affiliated site will get you stuck on the mailing list of 100s of sites in their little group, just as sex industry websites are notorious for passing around email addresses and using bots to trawl any old forum looking for email addresses to add to their lists.

Your father may well be up to something but unless you have better proof than this, you're best staying out of it especially given the circumstances of his current situation.

kels74

Horrible situation to be in and you're right to ask the question about passing judgement. You say that your family is fractured, but if you are neither mummy's girl or daddy's girl, then be your own person and move away from the family home. If that is impossible, then you may just have to accept that it's your parents business and leave well alone.

ETanny

Personally... I'd ignore it. If you do anything chances are you will be made to look like the bad person causing trouble.
If it is an affiar, these kinda things always have a way of coming out eventually.

Advice_wanted_3

Hmmm interesting replies. thanks. just for clarification im neither a mummies or daddies girl because Im a man! lol.

I understand what you are all saying and I agree that the marriage is gone now and was years ago. Im a grown up, these things happen. I agree 1 private message is not enough proof but he works on night shifts so could easily have affairs if he wanted.

Perhaps I should move out, however I'm trying to be sensible by saving for a deposit (very MSE). Its not awkward any-more as they just ignore each other and talk to the rest of us.

mikey72

Advice_wanted wrote: »

Perhaps I should move out,

Best choice of the evening to me.