Have upset MIL?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Molly41 wrote: »

It sounds to me that she has got a lot on her plate looking after her mother and might be totally overwhelmed.

Which i understand - but MIL refuses to tell nan we're expecting (says its too stressful) so we cant really help. Nan's deaf so cant ring her and her eyes are now failing so cant write either. Can only visit but again - if she does notice bump - shes not completely blind - (OR DD mentions it - shes 3, wont understand) then we dont want to cause more harm than good. Cant really leave DD when visiting them so we're kind of stuck with helping IUKWIM

peachyprice

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Which i understand - but MIL refuses to tell nan we're expecting (says its too stressful) so we cant really help. Nan's deaf so cant ring her and her eyes are now failing so cant write either. Can only visit but again - if she does notice bump - shes not completely blind - (OR DD mentions it - shes 3, wont understand) then we dont want to cause more harm than good. Cant really leave DD when visiting them so we're kind of stuck with helping IUKWIM

This may well be why she is distancing herself from you.

If she carries on as before and you go down it's inevitable that you'll go see nan, then the cat will be out of the bag about the baby. Old people have funny ideas, the nan may have though it was fine for you to be a single parent with someone elses child, but may not be accepting of you not being married in her own family. Or MIL may have ranted and raved about OH when he was taken away by the police and told the nan that you've split, it might all be too much for the nan to take in that you're back together but not properly and are expecting, hence MIL saying it's too stressful.

And I don't mean this unkindly, but maybe MIL is just biding her time unil her mum passes away

KiKi

She may be feeling guilty over your OH. You might feel it's in the past and not have a problem with it, but it doesn't mean she's reacted the same way.

I'd stop emailing and pick up the phone. You could either just have a friendly, relaxed chat, saying you wanted to follow up in particular on Nan, and say that she didn't mention how and and her OH are, so you thought you'd pick up the phone to have a girly catch up.

Or, call, and say you're worried that she's been in less contact since the argument, and whilst you're over, you just want to make sure that she's okay with you.

I'm a firm believer in not trying to second guess people and interpreting their actions, as it leads to so many mis-communications and fights and misunderstandings that could all be resolved with one conversation. Pick up the phone and say hi!

KiKi

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I think i'll have to - am quite worried actually!

CH27

Give her a ring.
You cannot tell the meaning of emails the way you can hear nuances & tones in her voice.

Good luck.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

CH27 wrote: »

Give her a ring.
You cannot tell the meaning of emails the way you can hear nuances & tones in her voice.

Good luck.

Thats what im afraid of LOL

KiKi

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Thats what im afraid of LOL

So, worst case scenario, she's short, snappy, and says she doesn't want to talk to you.

Then you drop her an email, tell her - in a friendly way - that you took from your conversation that she no longer wants contact. So you will stop emailing her, but she is welcome to get in contact if she would like to.

You leave it there, with your head held high, knowing you've done everything to keep the relationship open for the sake of your kids.

Best case scenario: she's thrilled to hear from you, and you have a great catch up, and things are all good again.

Either way, you know where you stand, and you won't be second guessing what's going on.

KiKi

Sambucus_Nigra

Have upset MIL?

Dunno. Why not ask her?

CH27

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Thats what im afraid of LOL

Even if she is short & snappy at east you know where you stand.

thistledome

OP, maybe your MIL can't cope with all the drama and worry generated by her Son. Domestics involving the police, illness, not talking to her etc etc. If he is still in your life she might be wary of getting too involved, especially with her Mum being a worry too. I know with my own elderly parent that things stress her out terribly that would never have bothered her when she was younger, she might want to protect her from that.

As others have said, you won't really know unless you ask her. Only you can decide if that will make matters worse or not.

If you can't face a phone call then perhaps an edited version of your OP sent by e-mail would be easier? Don't sound accusing or needy, just ask if you've upset her as you value her friendship and would rather know if you've done something to hurt her.....etc etc

The only other thing that sprang to mind from reading your post was your saying that your OH finds it easy to cut people out of his life. His whole family might share that trait!

Good luck whatever you decide to do (or not do).