Am I being unreasonable?

Sugar_Moon

Ok, Im getting married on a budget next year, have been scrimping & saving like mad to get the day how we want it. Weve written a guest list to give us an idea on numbers/cost etc. As we can only invite 50 max Ive kept it to close family members (parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and their partners).

Now a few months ago I was invited to my cousins wedding and he hadnt invited my partner, due to financial reasons, and although ive budgeted for him and his new wife, I agreed to go and didnt have a problem, as I understand how much these things cost.

Tonight another wedding invite arrived on our doormat, this time from another cousin who has only invited me to the evening do. I felt pretty taken aback as I am scrimping to ensure all my family can come, only to find Im not invited to theirs. I was confused too as Id seen my cousin recently and by the sounds of it we were all coming, all day.

Apparently theyre having most of it paid for by my aunt and uncle, and his wife to be is demanding more money for it- so why are they leaving out family? My H2B said 'dont bother inviting them to our day event then', but is that going to cause problems?

Am I looking at this wrong? I dont think its financial reasons theyre doing this (Id understand that completely) , as theyre nearly 40 and getting most of it paid for, and the venue is of a good size

ellay864

It's YOUR wedding and by the sound of it you're footing the bill...so invite the people you really want there. Personally to me 'close family' is parent/grandparents, brothers/sisters, possibly aunts/uncles. I'd not be feeling I had to include all cousins and their OHs (though of course I have no idea just how close your family are - I barely see my aunts but that's by the by!)
At our wedding we can have 46 max, but 10 of those are taken up by me, OH and our kids with their partners, leaving 30 something. We're each inviting our mums (neither have dads alive) and then my brother plus his GF and OHs sister plus her guest. After that we decided to go for friends we see and are closer to than other family members. It's our day and we're not being forced into feeling obliged to inviting anybody else.
If you haven't sent the invites yet, and assuming you haven't already told people they're invited, I'd be tempted to stick to REALLY close family and invite friends that you may have more to do with. You can invite cousins and their OHs to the evening and if they don't want to come then that's up to them.
As for the latest invite, stick to your principles but be careful you don't come across as sulking and only inviting people who will invite you. That's why you're better to go with who you really want and not getting into worrying over what invite might or might not come through next

floss2

Sugar_Moon wrote: »

Ok, Im getting married on a budget next year, have been scrimping & saving like mad to get the day how we want it. Weve written a guest list to give us an idea on numbers/cost etc. As we can only invite 50 max Ive kept it to close family members (parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and their partners)....

...Tonight another wedding invite plopped on our doormat, this time from another cousin who has only invited me to the evening do. I felt so p'd off! Here I am scrimping to ensure all my family can come, with their partners only to find I dont even get to go to the day event!!
Needless to say Im refusing to go. Im just offended....

...Am I looking at this wrong? I dont think its financial reasons theyre doing this, as theyre nearly 40 and getting most of it paid for, and the venue is of a good size!

Do you see the cousin who's invited you to his evening celebration very often? Do you spend time with them or keep in regular contact with them - apart from Christmas cards?

Your answers may explain why you are invited to the evening celebration only. Also, just because a couple are having financial help or a venue is a "good size", doesn't mean that they are able or indeed want to invite all their family to the day. They may want to share the occasion with people who share their lives, not their family blood or name.

I have 14 cousins, my DH has 6. When we married last year we didn't invite any of them as we only exchange Christmas cards. We did however invite my children, DH's parents, our brothers & families, aunts & uncles and our best friends who mean more to us than people we only ever see at funerals.

elvis86

Sugar_Moon wrote: »

Ok, Im getting married on a budget next year, have been scrimping & saving like mad to get the day how we want it. Weve written a guest list to give us an idea on numbers/cost etc. As we can only invite 50 max Ive kept it to close family members (parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and their partners).

Now a few months ago I was invited to my cousins wedding and he hadnt invited my partner, due to financial reasons, and although ive budgeted for him and his new wife, I agreed to go and didnt have a problem, as I understand how much these things cost.

Tonight another wedding invite plopped on our doormat, this time from another cousin who has only invited me to the evening do. I felt so p'd off! Here I am scrimping to ensure all my family can come, with their partners only to find I dont even get to go to the day event!!
Needless to say Im refusing to go. Im just offended. Apparently theyre having most of it paid for by my aunt and uncle, and his wife to be is demanding more money for it- so why are they leaving out family? My H2B said 'dont bother inviting them to our day event then', but is that going to cause problems? Being childish?

Am I looking at this wrong? I dont think its financial reasons theyre doing this, as theyre nearly 40 and getting most of it paid for, and the venue is of a good size!

:mad:

I think you are being unreasonable. I expected this to be the story of yet another bride who is being forced to accomodate the wishes of her mum or MIL or whoever. But instead it's a (comparitively) distant relative kicking off because she only got an invitation to the evening do. Grow up.

The "close family" of you and OH may be sufficiently small to include cousins and partners, you may not have many friends. Your cousin and OH may have bigger families or loads of friends (especially if they're older as you say).

They might well have a big budget, but perhaps they're limited on numbers due to their venue. Or perhaps they want an intimate ceremony, despite being able to afford 150 guests if they wanted to, perhaps they don't want the world and his dog watching as they get married, and don't want to have to have a professional sound system installed to ensure that everyone at the wedding breakfast can hear the speeches.

At the end of the day, they don't have to justify themselves anyway. It's your decision who you invite to your wedding, and equally it's your cousin's choice who they invite to their's.

You should have compiled your guest list based on who you really wanted there. More fool you if you didn't.

LEJC

Just because you receive an invite doesn't mean you must attend the wedding...day evening or both...if you dont want to go then a polite decline is all it takes...

Your cousins have obviously planned their weddings the way they want and in this case you are invited as a evening guest...

What you choose to do with regard to sending your invites is also your choice but in inviting only you to their weddings then a slight precedence has been set in what they may expect back from you in terms of invite...it may be that they are not expecting full day and evening invites to your wedding...

Hollie84

I have oly invited the people i want at my wedding,i havnt even invited my two nephews,i dont see them,they have never met my two kids despite one being nearly 5.OH hasnt invited 2 of his uncles and family,they dont bother with us,kids etc.
invite who u want there

74jax

Sugar_Moon wrote: »

Ok, Im getting married on a budget next year, have been scrimping & saving like mad to get the day how we want it. Weve written a guest list to give us an idea on numbers/cost etc. As we can only invite 50 max Ive kept it to close family members (parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and their partners).

It is your wedding, you invite who you would like at your wedding. If you speak to family members all the time and are close to them, then invite them.

Now a few months ago I was invited to my cousins wedding and he hadnt invited my partner, due to financial reasons, and although ive budgeted for him and his new wife, I agreed to go and didnt have a problem, as I understand how much these things cost.

Tonight another wedding invite plopped on our doormat, this time from another cousin who has only invited me to the evening do. I felt so p'd off! Here I am scrimping to ensure all my family can come, with their partners only to find I dont even get to go to the day event!!

They may also be on a budget but have 'ordered' (if that's the right word) their guests differently to how you and your H2B have.

Needless to say Im refusing to go. Im just offended. Apparently theyre having most of it paid for by my aunt and uncle, and his wife to be is demanding more money for it- so why are they leaving out family? My H2B said 'dont bother inviting them to our day event then', but is that going to cause problems? Being childish?

If you recieve an invite for a wedding, you don't have to go, but just because it is a night do and not the whole wedding I don't think is a reason not to attend. I would be very upset if a guest of mine said they wouldn't not be attending as I had only invited them to the night do.

Am I looking at this wrong? I dont think its financial reasons theyre doing this, as theyre nearly 40 and getting most of it paid for, and the venue is of a good size!

:mad:

I won't be inviting many family members at all (parents and brother only) as I speak to my friends much more than my family, and I can't justify paying £35 for an Aunty who I only send a Christmas card too; I don't ever phone her.

If I wanted a cousin and her partner at my wedding though, then I wouldn't hold it against them that only I was invited to their wedding.

Weddings are very expensive and a lot of people get upset over who they should/nt invite, but it's the bride and groom's choice.

RainbowDrops

I would have thought a bride to be would have been the most understanding to other couples needing to restrict their own wedding numbers (be it for financial or space reasons).

PootleFlump_3

Ive been invited to all my cousins weddings for the whole day and evening but I think I will only be inviting them for the evening to mine. Was invited to all my 2nd cousins weddings too but they wont be getting invited to mine at all. Not because I dont like them cause I do but there are other people that I see more frequently and am closer to that I would rather be there. I dont agree with the perception that if you get invited for the whole day (or at all) then you should have to do the same when its your wedding day.

BugglyB

Yes you are being unreasonable, sorry

Its up to your cousins who they invite and you have no right to expect to be invited. Perhaps the person they are marrying has a large family too. In our case inviting all cousins would mean 112 extra people (unachievable) - in my sisters it meant an extra 40 as her husbands family is small.

Sugar_Moon

I have to say Im quite shocked at the spiteful response thats been written back to me, I thought people on here were nice! I came on here for honest points of view not a full blown spite attack!

Im new on here (forum wise) and Im pretty damned well put off coming back!

I had written my thread in the heat of the moment especially when Id seen my cousin recently and the way he and the family spoke I was given the impression i was attending the whole thing, so yes I was taken aback by it and felt bitter last night.

We are first cousins and we have all grown up together. When his wife wasnt invited to my other counsins wedding they were in uproar about it. It just seems messy, alot of people have been left out and are confused by it. Just a simple explanation would have difused this Im sure.

Elvis or whatever your name is, who rattled your cage? Youre one of the kind of people that ruins these forums cos you feel brave being nasty behind a computer screen! I may have to 'grow up' but you seriously need to get an attitude check!