Help,Husband leaving me with debt !!

elizlin

Yes its in credit,after all the mortgage and other household bills have been paid there's about £150-£200 left sometimes less.Thankyou for your time and interest.

clearingout

do you have an overdraft facility on that joint account? If so, you need to clarify with your husband what his intentions are - if he is setting up a new account for himself, you need to freeze the joint one before it goes into overdraft (this is particularly the case if you have a large overdraft facility). When is he due to be paid next? If you know that, you will know immediately after payday if he's done what he's saying he's going to do.

I am sorry to be the one to say it but it does sound like there's someone else involved (denial, lying, telling you it's none of your business is oh so familiar to me) and you need to prepare yourself for that revealing itself in whatever glory it takes shape in over the coming weeks. Be strong as you know you deserve better than this. Dithering over leaving is what my ex did - told me one Saturday that he was unhappy and thinking of moving out, but it took him another 11 days to actually remove himself. Turned out he'd been planning it for months - going as far as having a new bathroom installed in our rental property and then giving the tenant notice, all without me having a flippin' clue! It took another 6 months to admit the affair, despite the fact he was living with her and having the children over with her! If you can remove yourself from contact with him once he does leave (and change the locks - you don't want him in and out like a yo yo - it's not technically allowed but rarely comes to anything as far as I can see) and deal with him in as business like manner as you can, you will fair far better than showing him how distressed you are - they don't like seeing you upset, makes them guilty, so they behave even worse. You will be told over and over and over that it's your fault (it's not) and at times will probably question your sanity. All of that is 'normal in the circumstances'. Shouting, lying, bullying, manipulating, swearing, sending nasty, pointless texts and e-mails are also all very 'normal in the circumstances'. You will literally look at him and say 'who are you and what have you done with my husband'. Unfortunately, as I suspect many reading this can testify, the former husband/wife never does return. Or, if they do return, it is usually briefly and only when things have gone wrong with the other person.

I strongly suggest if there is another person involved, however much you want to go round and shout the odds (or worse) at her, you restrain yourself, sit on your hands (literally!), find some moral highground and guard it with your life. Don't entertain her. Don't give either of them the satisfaction. Their relationship will be built on a bed of lies centred around what a dreadful person you are - so don't give fuel to his fire. Be dignified and maintain your self respect. Don't do anything you might come to regret as the months go by - none of it matters. All that matters when you come out the other side of this rubbish is that your integrity and self respect are 100% in one piece.

take care of yourself and keep posting xxx

You WILL be OK. It just takes a bit of time.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

hi - you might be better off posting on the debt free wannabe thread. They can sort out an soa with you and advise you better - they helped me no end when my ex did something similar. HTH take care x

flora48

Go to the CAB and ask for help in compiling a Common Financial Statement which will list all your debts and prioritise them. This should then be sent to all your creditors showing what you are able to pay after living expenses.

Try to ensure that any money in the Joint Account cannot be withdrawn by your OH, transfer the surplus to your account.

Sorry that you have so much to deal with at this time.

elizlin

There is no overdraft on the joint account,I'm so scared at the moment as I've never missed a payment on anything in my life.Wouldn't I be stealing if I took out the surplus money in the joint account? as it is his wage that goes in there.I don't know what to do or think my head feels like its going to explode

clearingout

it's a joint account so no, it's not stealing. Try and think of it as protecting yourself and your children - if you don't take it, he probably will. Unfortunately, there is little honour in these shanningans and it can very quickly deteriorate into nothing but anger and hate. Do what you need to do.

As for missing payments, try not to worry. It's not good but nor is it the end of the world. Speak to your local CAB about prioritising payments so you get it right from the outset. I should add it takes many,many months to get to the point of court action and bailiffs and if you speak with your creditors now, you'll avoid this kind of action anyway.

elizlin

I've got an appointment with CAB next week,I hope my head will be able to process all the information I'll be getting,again you have been very helpful,Thanks

make_me_wise

elizlin wrote: »

deep down I think the only way out of this is to sell the house and hopefully pay some of the debts off,but I really don't want to do that as I live near my parents (which are very supportive) and an elderly aunt whom I'm a carer for(hence my job).

Could you and the children move in with your parents? Speak with a solicitor regarding the debts you have. As they are in your name I am not sure where you would stand if you argued that the money was spent on things that benefitted both yourself, your husband and the children.

Are you entitled to Child tax credit, working tax credit etc? Would be worth checking with your local CAB. It must be alot to deal with when you are coping with the emotional strain you are under as well.

rockmysocks

Wow l could of written that post 8 months ago exactly same situation we were married 22 years except he was having affair that he flatly denied but they are an item now, firstly try not to panic (easy said than done l know) you are doing the right thing you have appointment with cab they were brilliant told me benefit entitlement started me on debt managent plan only making token payments of £1 per month but it shows creditors you are trying they also told me to take any money in joint account (some people might not agree) to feed children etc l am now at the point where he stopped mortgage payment so l rang them most have payment difficulty phone line l have just put payment holiday in place with possibility of going interest only for a year your head will be all over the place BUT you will get through this and your children will be your motivation you will have down days but you will have good days and they will outnumber the bad ones as time goes on don't be afraid to visit gp if you are struggling l am on antidepreesants but its ok because since he's gone l am regaining my self confidence and self esteem and its good encourage your kids to talk not bottle it up and they will be ok.Sending you massive hugs take care of yourself

DON79

Sorry to hear about your situation. You have had great advice so far, just wanted to add my little snippet....

What I would strongly recommend that you do is to change bank account - change banks to a bank that you do not owe any money to. That way, if and when you have to cancel your credit repayments - the creditors cannot dip into your bank account to pay their arrears from your money if you happen to bank with someone you also owe money too. It is really soul destroying to have them just help themselves to your money or your kids money even! (had this happen to me!) once they start realising they are not getting the payments that they want.

So do this now to protect your income and also your kids savings accounts too should be moved to protect any of their savings.

Best wishes