Can a marriage be fixed?

kentishdoris

Hi all,

I’m a lurker here. I often turn to you for advice and I would love your honest thoughts on this.

So, I’ve been married for 2 years, together for 6.

The last year has been really hard. I’ve moved job, house and county and have spent half of my time living away from my new home and my husband whilst studying at university.

Things are settling down now and I’m spending more time at home but it feels like in all that’s happened I’ve drifted away from my husband.

We just seem to want such different things in life.

Because we’re new to the area we don’t know many people locally. Although I’ve met people through work and university they all live a long way away. I have however joined a few local groups and am starting to feel a bit more like I belong.

In the mean time whilst I’ve been away at university my husband’s put no effort in to making any local links. It feels like he’s just sat at home waiting for me to come back.

He wants to have children. I want to develop my career a bit more before that, and am really scared about losing my independence, my financial independence and getting stuck at home with a small baby in a town where I really don’t know anyone or have any social support.

I’m not saying I want to be out of the house all the time without my husband. I’d love to do things with him too but he just doesn’t want to. I suggested going to the theatre the other evening and his reply was “why do you like making me do things I don’t want to do?”

He says I’m all he needs. I hope it doesn’t sound horrible but I don’t want that kind of relationship.

Part of me knows that marriage should be forever and that I should do everything I can to fix this. But the other part thinks that perhaps if we have such different views on life we should admit that now.

What do you think?

Errata

Sit down together and talk it through, thrash it out until both of you know what you want from each other and from the future. There is NO substitute for talking.

CH27

kentishdoris wrote: »

Hi all,

I’m a lurker here. I often turn to you for advice and I would love your honest thoughts on this.

So, I’ve been married for 2 years, together for 6.

The last year has been really hard. I’ve moved job, house and county and have spent half of my time living away from my new home and my husband whilst studying at university.

Things are settling down now and I’m spending more time at home but it feels like in all that’s happened I’ve drifted away from my husband.

We just seem to want such different things in life.

Because we’re new to the area we don’t know many people locally. Although I’ve met people through work and university they all live a long way away. I have however joined a few local groups and am starting to feel a bit more like I belong.

In the mean time whilst I’ve been away at university my husband’s put no effort in to making any local links. It feels like he’s just sat at home waiting for me to come back.

He wants to have children. I want to develop my career a bit more before that, and am really scared about losing my independence, my financial independence and getting stuck at home with a small baby in a town where I really don’t know anyone or have any social support.

I’m not saying I want to be out of the house all the time without my husband. I’d love to do things with him too but he just doesn’t want to. I suggested going to the theatre the other evening and his reply was “why do you like making me do things I don’t want to do?”

He says I’m all he needs. I hope it doesn’t sound horrible but I don’t want that kind of relationship.

Part of me knows that marriage should be forever and that I should do everything I can to fix this. But the other part thinks that perhaps if we have such different views on life we should admit that now.

What do you think?

This sentance worries me.

You need to sit down & work out a way forward that suits you both.
You will both need to give & take a little to reach a compromise.

VfM4meplse

Errata wrote: »

Sit down together and talk it through, thrash it out until both of you know what you want from each other and from the future. There is NO substitute for talking.

This is so true, things may seem at odds atm but if your long term goals are the same, then you should be able to weather this patch. This is the conversation couples ideally need to have before they are married, key tests being:

• Will I consistently put their happiness before mine (if you feel the same way then you'll both be winners)
• Do you have the same views on children?
• If your spouse was seriously harmed and unable to look after own personal care, would you willingly do this for them?

So a full and frank is the first step out of your dilemma.

scooby088

Sure you give up some independence when you get married and lose it completely when you have got kids, i think why not include hubby in some of the groups, i do however think you both need to talk and really decide what the both of you want to move forward together or seperately, only you two can decide that no one on the forum can tell you either way.

paddy's_mum

Sounds suffocating - why not put the ball back in his court and ask what he wants to do rather than just saying no to everything that you suggest.

As others have said, only the two of you can work it out. Just make sure that no unexpected pregnancy occurs while you are sorting things out - it wouldn't be the first time a desperate spouse had an accidentally-on-purpose slip-up to force the issue!

pinkshoes

Did you do things like go to the theatre before getting married? What's changed?

Are you saying that YOU have changed, he's the same old, and you now want something different from life, or is it that HE's the one just wanting to sit at home with his pipe and slippers and not do anything any more?

He sounds a bit depressed...

gillypkk

does he work at all? you say you have met people through work and uni and he is sat at hime waiting?

maybe he is feeling left out with you meeting all these new people and he isnt. has he always been a bit of a lone wolf or is it just since you have moved? maybe he regrets it and doesnt like where you have moved to but is keeping schtum coz he thinks you are happy and enjoying it?

really hun you need to sit down and have a serious heart to heart. maybe go away for a weekend and reconnect?

mikey72

That's what comes of going to university as a mature student (assuming you are, if you've been together 8 years) Suddenly you're 18 again.
What do you want to do when you finish though.

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Sounds suffocating - why not put the ball back in his court and ask what he wants to do rather than just saying no to everything that you suggest.

As others have said, only the two of you can work it out. Just make sure that no unexpected pregnancy occurs while you are sorting things out - it wouldn't be the first time a desperate spouse had an accidentally-on-purpose slip-up to force the issue!

Don't think many men can do that.

Pee

I think the questions about whether he has changed are important.

I think though that some feelings like this are normal when there have been big changes. How old are you? Speaking from experience, I wouldn't leave it too long to think about starting a family and likewise if he is the wrong person for this to happen with don't waste too much time hoping you can sort things out if you know you won't be happy.

How does he feel about you doing things without him? If he is happy for you to have your own life, this could be workable.

You really do need to talk, and establish what he wants and what he is willing to do for you.

In lots of ways me and my boyfriend are very similiar and enjoy the same things, but we are also very different and I think this adds to the relationship. I've planned nights out based on things he would enjoy and things I would enjoy and sometimes the other one is just going along but sometimes we've found we do enjoy things we didn't expect to.

kentishdoris

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

You're right. It's time to have a proper talk. I guess I was hoping this was all going to get better by itself and wasn't brave enough to talk about it seriously in case it made things worse.

We've got the whole weekend free so will make sure we spend some time together and really discuss things.