Fed up

londoner1998

Hello

I have posted here before and I know other people have bigger problems but I guess I need to vent...

I am fed up with having to tell my OH to clean/ tidy up after himself... every time, every single day!!!!
It has been over 8 years and although in some ways he has got better, around the house (mainly to do with money, he is a bit more careful now), more and more often I feel like I am on my own. And it is making me very angry. The agreement that he would cook on Tuesday nights (when I got to my weekly yoga class) and prepare pack lunch for the following day turned out to be twice on about six months. The putting the money together for the weekly shopping, I have to remind him every time and I always get the 'but I spent !16 yesterday'...we managed a month of joint finances for food spending. It gets very comlicatied to see how much money we spent on food each month (and he is always buying bits and pieces). I have to remind him to hoover (we agreed he does that) and the first thing he does when he comes home is to sit down in front of the TV (admittedly he works hard, but so do I and nobody makes me lunch for the following day).
Today I had to drag him to the sales to get a new pillow because he one he was using was not only old, was horribly flithy and letting out fibres (it was a cheap synthetic one we bought in emergency when we moved in three years ago)... he insisted he didn't want to change it. On health grounds I insisted. At least we got a new one, but why do I have to point it out to him that it is just not good to use it anymore???

His friend came to do something my OH is helping him with and after his friend left, while I was in the kitchen cooking, it was all irony and sarcasm abouth whether I had read certain books or my academic knowledge, somehow picking at things... then it is off the the basement again and when I asked him to give it a blitz when he could (because if I don't, cobwebs form) and it is a real mess, I got the rolling eyes again... and I blew up- I love him, and he is great, but this complete lack of organisation and what it seems to be, appreciatation for what we have together is really making me angry, Why can't he just get into a routine of cleaning regularly before things get too much and without me having to 'nag' him?? What is it so difficult? He lives here after all... And it is not that I wasnt him to do everything, I do all the heavy tstff too, but I have never seen him cleaning the toilet bowl or even realising that it needs to be cleaned., I try to divide the tasks but the ones he has to do, he always has to be asked. I am very tired of wasting my energy with someone who refuses to grow up. I also feel taken for granted a bit worried that he are becoming more arguing flatmates than anything else. He doesn't seem to care that this kind of thing upset me. He just stalks off , spends hours in the other room and that's it- he just doesn't have a problem. The problem is mine becasue I don't stop nagging. But everything I ask or suggest comes with a 'no' from him. Pretty much every time and these are perfectly reasonable requests.
Now, I know you can't change someone, but all I am asking is for him to be civilised. I am tired of living like this. Has anyone been in this situation and managed to turn it around? I feel that after 8 years he will never change and that makes my heart sink...(I must add, I am quite premenstrual and just finsihed very long six months of job seeking and studying- I feel oddly flat so that might affect my judgement, but the facts remain).
Thank you X

gratefulforhelp_2

If you have no children together and you are not happy, then why stay?

You aren't married?

londoner1998

Hi

No, we don't have children together and we are not married... we stay together becuase most of the time we get on very well and we love each other very much. The only problem is that he is a very disorganised person and I am the complete opposite because I have to be. What really bothers me is that I feel on my own with everything that has to do with the house. He will do stuff if I ask him (more or less reluctantly) but I have to ask and that's really tiring on a daily basis. On other areas we work very well together: I have all the space to do whatever I want whenver I want and he supports me with whatever I have going on. That's is very valuable to me. But I sometimes find it very hard to live like this, having to give 'orders' like a general or risk ending up with a mess around me... it is as if only I care about what we built toegther with so much effort and now that we are a bit more comfortable that we used to be he just doesn't t appreciate it...

VfM4meplse

londoner1998 wrote: »

Now, I know you can't change someone

You are right. Either accept that you will always be the one to clean the toilet after he has used it, or move on.

I would move on!

meritaten

hun - dont nag him, dont do his jobs, turn a blind eye to 'his' mess! if he hasnt got his half of the groceries you only buy half .................for a month if thats how you sort out your finances. Then look around you - has he noticed and changed? or do you really want to spend the rest of your life either in a pigsty or nagging him to do his bit?
I can tell you from experience that nagging does NOT work. You have to grit your teeth, shut up and when HE complains about the mess or lack of groceries calmly point out that it was HIS responsibility not yours and you heeded what he said about nagging him so didnt! and this was the result! in my case it worked - OH now quietly gets the vacuum out, sorts the recycling (and nags ME about washing out tins, glass jars etc) and will even even iron a shirt if he needs one rather than moaning he hasnt got a pressed shirt - they are always clean if not ironed.

barbiedoll

He's a man and men (and some women, it has to be said!) just don't notice things like dirty toilet bowls or horrid old pillows. The problem with you two appears to be a lack of communication. You're communicating with him but he's just not hearing you. You both need to find a way to speak, and to listen to, each other.

With regard to the regular chores, try getting a notice board and writing a list of tasks that are to be done each day and by whom. Rather than speaking/shouting at him, just point to the board and say "don't forget to check the list today"

The money issue....that's a sticking point in so many relationships. The only way you will get a joint shopping budget is to get him to set up a standing order to transfer money into a new joint account (or an account in your name if he can't be trusted with money!) and you do the same so that you both pay for the food for the month. If it's all set up, he can't "forget" and you know that the money will be there when you need it.

Stop doing his packed lunches, just do your own, it will stop you feeling so resentful. Same with cooking dinner, if he won't do his share, then let him feed himself. He'll soon get the message. The same goes for washing and ironing clothes, he'll soon notice if you're too tired to do the ironing because you've had to do his share of the hoovering!

You're never going to change him completely, and as you say, you love him so don't let this stuff ruin your relationship. My OH is not so great at housework, he will sometimes have a bit of a moan about the dust or the cobwebs, I just ignore that, he knows where the duster is. (He probably doesn't, but he'll find it if he's that bothered!) We've had some serious money struggles in the last couple of years and although he has got a lot better, yesterday he asked me to have a look online for a cheap holiday abroad for us all. When I asked him where he thinks we're going to get a few hundred quid from, in the next two weeks, he had a bit of a sulk. So I do know how you feel! :mad: Try to keep calm, speak to him but let him know that you mean business and that you're half of a couple, not a pair of flatmates. Spell out to him EXACTLY what you expect of him and let him have his say too. You'll get there in the end!

Emmzi

why are you still making his lunch?

londoner1998

Meritaten... I try, believe me I try. I accept that is partly my fault for 'spoling him'. We also come from very different backgrounds and the word 'routine' just doesn't feature for him. His answer always is: 'but I cleaned last week!!'....

He complains about being nagged at but he needs someone to tell him what to do. He just seems to frgte he doesn't live alone... Doing something once is enough for him to get off the hook. He doesn go thorugh good phases and then , two weeks later, reverts to his habitual behaviour
I think I will follow your advice and stop doing his things-including packed lunches, and see how it goes. The problem is the common areas...

McKneff

No cooking, no lunch, no washing, no sex, no nothing till he toes the line.

Sambucus_Nigra

Whiteboard. Daily and weekly tasks written down left hand side. A square box next to each. As each is done, tick the box and put your initial against it. Ask 'which of these tasks are you doing this week dear?" and put initials next to them.

Shopping - put a list up on whiteboard and copy it down before you go - and sum up the additional spends and totals of all shopping spend on the whiteboard - so that you both know what's needed and what has been spent at any one time.

make_me_wise

londoner1998 wrote: »

Hi

No, we don't have children together and we are not married... we stay together becuase most of the time we get on very well and we love each other very much. The only problem is that he is a very disorganised person and I am the complete opposite because I have to be. What really bothers me is that I feel on my own with everything that has to do with the house. He will do stuff if I ask him (more or less reluctantly) but I have to ask and that's really tiring on a daily basis. On other areas we work very well together: I have all the space to do whatever I want whenver I want and he supports me with whatever I have going on. That's is very valuable to me. But I sometimes find it very hard to live like this, having to give 'orders' like a general or risk ending up with a mess around me... it is as if only I care about what we built toegther with so much effort and now that we are a bit more comfortable that we used to be he just doesn't t appreciate it...

The fact is you are not going to change him. If you have spent the last 8 years trying to house train this bloke to no avail, then its time to face this. Most likely he was bought up in a household where his mother did everything. Or maybe she did nothing and living in a pigsty feels homely to him.

The real question is can you keep living like this long term OP? If despite taking into account all the good points of your relationship, the answer is a resounding no, then it is time to ship out.

The grass is never greener elsewhere, a new guy would come with a different set of things to aggrevate you. No-one is perfect. Isn't life a !!!!! hey!