Why oh why?

erdd2

3v3 wrote: »

Clearly you are very angry about what happened to you (as most people would be!) and I'm guessing its the anger and how you display it which could be an issue? (Hence the "calm down" remark?) So, you're reacting angrily as a result of what happened to you and you feel that is all they are seeing: the anger?

What would you like them to do?

Would it feel better if the professionals ranted and raged about the perpetrator/the technicality?

I am obviously not making myself clear. I am asking why people focus on a persons reactions to abuse as opposed to what is causing the reactions. The calm down remarks seem to arrive after answering the good old tell me more and then the listener is uncomfortable they state they dont want to go there...so why oh why did they ask in the first place...does that make sense? For me its ...whoa you asked a q, I answered, you do not like the answer....I express my confusion.....and then say why did you do that and then they say..calm down...at this point no raised voices, display of anger, derisory comments....so how does a person "calm dowm" from a calm confused state?

erdd2

3v3 wrote: »

Would it feel better if the professionals ranted and raged about the perpetrator/the technicality?

Again I have not been clear, no one is ranting or raging and neither is desired, just why oh why is the focus on the victim to not be/do this or that as opposed to why they are reacting/being/doing this or that

McKneff

Apples2 wrote: »

Because what you went through is history, it can't be changed, what's been done cannot be undone.

You're whinging now is both the present and future, it can be changed, you can be helped.

Nothing can be do ne about the past, if you dwell over things you cannot change you will fall in a quicksand filled ditch of self pity.

Plenty can be done about the future.

That's what I reckon anyway.

:T:T

me too, good post.

erdd2

garethgas wrote: »

Perhaps its an attempt to get you to think more rationally (you rarely thing rationally when your angry) and thereby deal with the situation in a more positive and constructive way?
Being bitter and twisted about something is a very destructive emotion so it maybe that the 'professionals' are trying to address that.

I am referirng to the general concept of.....oh dear that was awful build a bridge directed to most victims and the confusion that leaves.

I am obviously not clarifying that I am not angry, bitter or twisted, I am seeking clarification of the dismissal aspect of the damage caused.

erdd2

Apples2 wrote: »

Because what you went through is history, it can't be changed, what's been done cannot be undone.

You're whinging now is both the present and future, it can be changed, you can be helped.

Nothing can be do ne about the past, if you dwell over things you cannot change you will fall in a quicksand filled ditch of self pity.

Plenty can be done about the future.

That's what I reckon anyway.

Precisely, and if my seeking understanding/help is seen as whinging, dwelling in the past and self pity boy have I and others a lot to learn.
I am dwelling on what I can change and not on past events.

erdd2

trumpton wrote: »

Many people struggle to overcome traumatic events, but for your own sake you have to continue to try. You can't change the past but you can work to overcome the trauma and start to be able to move on with your life. As others have said, being bitter and resentfu won't help you. Others saying 'Pull yourself together...get over it', doesn't always help either. Try these books, they are highly recommended for people dealing with depression and anxiety:

Stop Thinking Start Living - Richard Carlson.
Feeling Good New Mood Therapy - David Burns

Best wishes

Thanks trumpton, I have moved on from the actual, I am trying to cope better with the resulting legacies. I respect the past cannot be changed, I am not depressed, angry or bitter, merely trying to get an understanding...and well aware this will not come without criticism, judgement, sarcasm, derisory comment, but running the risk all the same. Thanks for the reading recoms

kazzah60

because unless the person you are speaking to has suffered in the same way as you have, they are very unlikley to understand or be able to empathise with your feelings
so they tend to make glib comments which may be inappropriate - but they simply have no idea of how to react or what to say.

they don't mean offence - but if they are faced with a dreadful scenario that they have no experience of - then they are unlikley to know how to react.

erdd2

kazzah60 wrote: »

because unless the person you are speaking to has suffered in the same way as you have, they are very unlikley to understand or be able to empathise with your feelings
so they tend to make glib comments which may be inappropriate - but they simply have no idea of how to react or what to say.

they don't mean offence - but if they are faced with a dreadful scenario that they have no experience of - then they are unlikley to know how to react.

kazzah I agree wholeheartedly, however when the "professionals" assigned to assist do this it appears to be more damaging than the event themselves and this is where my why o why is coming from as I am trying to understand why this upsets me......thank you