Learning to trust people again

clearingout

Jo - I'm 2 1/2 years in from finding out my husband of over 10 years had been having an affair for a long time (to the point where I believe her youngest child, who is a few months older than our second child, is his) and being left pregnant for said woman he was involved with. I have worked hard to get my life back - I am not there yet but can see the light at the end of the tunnel - and I struggle, like you, with trusting people. I would go as far as saying that I am keeping people on a long leash because it suits me and I don't need any more upset in my life. I do accept that if I want to have more meaningful relationships with people - of both sexes - I am going to have to learnt to trust again at some point and I figure that most people are probably mainly trustworthy most of the time! The experience has fundamentally changed me - forever - and like you, I am not sure I'll ever get over it 100%. However, I do think that the experience will make me a better partner in the future, that I will work very hard at relationships, at keeping them on track, at communicating, at being responsive both to the other person's needs and my own. I can't go as far as saying I'd ever marry again but I do believe that I would live with someone again and I believe that it's possible to be happy and that 'happy ever after' exists. Take care of yourself - and don't let him take that 'happy ever after' from you.

make_me_wise

JoW123 wrote: »

Bit of background....I split from ex nearly 2 years ago now after finding out that he was a gambling, irresponsible, lying man who was incredibly emotionally manipulative. We have 2 children who he sees for a few hours each week so long as I take and collect them from his house. We are able to converse about things to do with the children and there is no arguing etc but it's all practical stuff. I am finally coming to terms with who he turned out to be (which is not the person I thought) and that all the promises he made were lies. I feel nothing for him, and haven't for a long long time.

As a result I struggle to trust anyone and can be quite happily talking to a friend when suddenly I will begin to worry that I'm being taken in again and feel very emotional. I've stopped inviting people round to my house and feel like I'm trying to shut myself away and yet this is not what I want at all. I genuinely love company but suddenly its all getting just too scary. I've had a friend round this evening and really struggled to keep calm as I just wanted to run for the hills!! I'm beginning to think that I'll feel like this forever. I accept that I will never, ever get over what happened with my ex but is it possible to recover enough to feel a sense of security again instead of this constant fear that building new friendships will be too difficult??? I have not dated anyone since the split and if I can't even cope with friends coming round then the thought of any sort of romantic liason may bring on a collapse!!

I'm rebuilding my life with the children in so many other ways and they are happy and doing well at school, so I'm not depressed or unhappy. Has anyone any thoughts which may help or been through anything similar? After nearly 2 years I should be better than this surely?

It seems that your ex has knocked away all the confidence you had in yourself and your ability to make judgements. It can make someone feel extremely vulnerable and on edge when they no longer trust their instincts.

You were taken in by someone who saw fit to lie to you, fool you and pull the wool over your eyes. Who is to say that any one of us on here wouldn't have also been fooled by him. Some people can charm and scheme and trick the most worldly people and pull the rug from under them. Dont let this other persons failings grind you down hun. All you did 'wrong' as such was to put some faith and trust in someone you were in a relationship with. We have all done that. Thankfully most of us dont get thanked for it by being treated as badly as you were.

I think you are a very astute person who once she found out what had been going on, called a day on a relationship that would cause nothing but harm. You are raising 2 kids by yourself, not something easy at all. You have alot to be proud of.

In the big scheme of things 2 years isn't a long time to get over a relationship that was bad. In time your life will begin to fall more and more into place. As your kids grow up you will gradually get more and more time for yourself. Use this time to get to know yourself and what you really want from life. Then you will more easily recognise what it is you need/want from your next relationship.

If it would help you feel more at ease dont invite new people to your home. Meet them at a neutral place, like a coffee shop etc. That way if you dont feel comfy around them you can make your excuses and leave when you feel you need to. Do things on your terms. Maybe I have it wrong but I get the feeling you lived by your exs terms for a long time and are not use to making sure all your needs, emotional and otherwise are met in sitautions.

CH27

Look at MindGym online.
Try using distraction techniques when you start feeling panicky.

pupsicola

I am five years down the line from leaving a violent and destructive relationship. I would say its only in the last year that I have felt more at ease around people again. It does come in time, trusting your judgement and instincts and feeling able to trust other people again.

If you allow what happened with one person to cloud your view of others then you are letting your ex ruin what should be a fresh start to your life.

You will always find a small minority who are out to wreck things but on the whole people are good at heart. Get to know people slowly and keep you cards close to your chest. That way people dont get the opportunity to take you for a ride. Only commit yourself to things people suggest when you have had time to think it all through and have made sure you are comfy with it.

JoW123

Oh wow! So many responses! Have been out most of the day with the children so just read them I can't multi-quote so I'll try and answer all the points you've made:-

CFC - thank you

1echidna - thank you. I'm trying hard to get on with things but I feel I'm going backwards recently, possibly because I'm now trying to open up a bit so it's all got scary

3V3 - thank you. I'm lucky enough to have access through my work to a psychologist who is available to help staff if they want (it's to help us cope with a very emotional job). I had some sessions with her initiallly but I think I'll get another appointment tomorrow as I think I need to re-visit some of the stuff and I think I'll get seen quicker than going via the GP. I'm nowhere near ready for a new relationship but other friends and colleagues have intimated that I need to 'get back out in the world again' so I think people feel that after 2 years I should be more recovered than this.

clearingout - I'm really sorry to hear you went through this. It's such a shame there are people who can be so heartless and cruel. Thank you for your empathy.

CH27 - that looks really interesting. I'll have a look later when the children are in bed.

Pupsicola - thank you for posting. It gives me confidence that I'm going to be okay eventually.

JoW123

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I suspect that you are suffering from a mild-ish form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The fact that what you are afraid of is another highly damaging emotional entanglement, rather than say a fear of becoming trapped once again in a lift, doesn't make the fear any the less real or devastating.

The giveaway for me is the use of the word "suddenly" and that powerful desire to run away from the situation which is creating the deep anxiety and distress.

Your survival instincts are kicking in, yelling 'avoid, avoid...' What you need now is help to channel those instincts so that they work for you instead of making you feel as edgy and scared as you do at present.

I agree wholeheartedly with the post by 3v3 and I too would urge you to see your GP and seek counselling. It's too easy to feel so overwhelmed that you just sink deeper and then do go into a depressive state, which helps nobody especially the children who need you.

Your motivation is strong and with just a little professional help, you will come back stronger and wiser than ever. Good luck and phone the surgery first thing tomorrow, won't you?

Your post is spot on. My survival instincts are telling me to get out now and hide in a hole to stop it ever happening again, preferably with a big stick to whack anyone who comes near!! Unfortunately it seems to be friends who I've known for years who I don't want near either which is why I know things are going a bit haywire!! I'm terrified of spiders and my gut reaction is exactly the same as if one of them comes near me. I've posted above about my plans for seeking the support I can get through work.

3v3

JoW123 wrote: »

...

3V3 - thank you. I'm lucky enough to have access through my work to a psychologist who is available to help staff if they want (it's to help us cope with a very emotional job). I had some sessions with her initiallly but I think I'll get another appointment tomorrow as I think I need to re-visit some of the stuff and I think I'll get seen quicker than going via the GP.

That's great! Do make the most of her so you can reap the benefits

JoW123 wrote: »

...I'm nowhere near ready for a new relationship but other friends and colleagues have intimated that I need to 'get back out in the world again' so I think people feel that after 2 years I should be more recovered than this...

They may well feel that way - but, healing after a relationship doesn't have a timer on it. *You* will know when you feel ready to 'get back out in the world again'; ignore what they imply until the time suits you. Actually, it might well be that you decide that you are at your most happiest as an independant person living life at your own pace, in your own way Who knows where you'll be in 2yrs time from now

Good luck with your appointment

JoW123

make_me_wise wrote: »

It seems that your ex has knocked away all the confidence you had in yourself and your ability to make judgements. It can make someone feel extremely vulnerable and on edge when they no longer trust their instincts.

You were taken in by someone who saw fit to lie to you, fool you and pull the wool over your eyes. Who is to say that any one of us on here wouldn't have also been fooled by him. Some people can charm and scheme and trick the most worldly people and pull the rug from under them. Dont let this other persons failings grind you down hun. All you did 'wrong' as such was to put some faith and trust in someone you were in a relationship with. We have all done that. Thankfully most of us dont get thanked for it by being treated as badly as you were.

I think you are a very astute person who once she found out what had been going on, called a day on a relationship that would cause nothing but harm. You are raising 2 kids by yourself, not something easy at all. You have alot to be proud of.

In the big scheme of things 2 years isn't a long time to get over a relationship that was bad. In time your life will begin to fall more and more into place. As your kids grow up you will gradually get more and more time for yourself. Use this time to get to know yourself and what you really want from life. Then you will more easily recognise what it is you need/want from your next relationship.

If it would help you feel more at ease dont invite new people to your home. Meet them at a neutral place, like a coffee shop etc. That way if you dont feel comfy around them you can make your excuses and leave when you feel you need to. Do things on your terms. Maybe I have it wrong but I get the feeling you lived by your exs terms for a long time and are not use to making sure all your needs, emotional and otherwise are met in sitautions.

You've really hit the nail on the head with this post. Thank you. Everyone around was taken in by him too, and I think the worst thing is having my trust and faith destroyed by a very clever manipulative person who I was no match for. I did live by my exs terms for probably over 8 years although I've only seen that since we split. Initially the first year was hard but I was so numb and just concentrating on physical stuff and getting through. Now I'm coming to terms with what happened I'm shying away from others more, which is what wasn't making much sense to me. I think time and accessing the support I can through work will help.

make_me_wise

JoW123 wrote: »

Everyone around was taken in by him too, and I think the worst thing is having my trust and faith destroyed by a very clever manipulative person who I was no match for.

Would you say your ex was a real Jekyll and Hyde character? Life and soul of the party when out and about, total charmer, had everyone around him like putty in his hands. Were people really shocked when you split up and discovered the truth about what you had been living through?

Did you spend your whole time not knowing where you were with him? Always walking on eggshells not knowing which of his 'personalities' was going to show its face next. Never able to please him or satisfy him, no matter what you did.

Did he reflect all his failings on you, instead of facing up to and sorting out his own inadequacies? I am asking all these questions because I fear you spent most of the 8 years suffering from abuse, definately emotional, possibly physical too.

The fact that you are in such an emotional state two years on suggests to me this was the case. The degree of trauma he put you through sounds horrendous so it is no wonder you are struggling.

Without wanting to make you feel any worse it is no accident that he has left you feeling this way. Abusers undermine and emotionally torture their victims till their is barely any of the original person left. You are an incredibly strong woman. You saw through it all and had the strength of character to uproot the life you had and get yourself and your children away.

You can pull through this hun. Take on day at a time, make sure that everyday you do something special for yourself - have a nice dinner, enjoy a glass of wine, play some nice music, have a luxury soak in the bath. Start having high expectations of what you deserve. Life will get better.

JoW123

make_me_wise wrote: »

Would you say your ex was a real Jekyll and Hyde character? Life and soul of the party when out and about, total charmer, had everyone around him like putty in his hands. Were people really shocked when you split up and discovered the truth about what you had been living through?Yes, apart from his family who told me afterwards he had done it before to other women

Did you spend your whole time not knowing where you were with him? Always walking on eggshells not knowing which of his 'personalities' was going to show its face next. Never able to please him or satisfy him, no matter what you did. Yes, especially in the last couple of years when I realised he had run up debts and told him I would never marry him.

Did he reflect all his failings on you, instead of facing up to and sorting out his own inadequacies? I am asking all these questions because I fear you spent most of the 8 years suffering from abuse, definately emotional, possibly physical too. Definitely emotional but I was never physically abused, and didnt even think it was emotional abuse until about six months after he left when I began to tell people what life had been like and watch the horror appear on their faces

The fact that you are in such an emotional state two years on suggests to me this was the case. The degree of trauma he put you through sounds horrendous so it is no wonder you are struggling. Thank you

Without wanting to make you feel any worse it is no accident that he has left you feeling this way. Abusers undermine and emotionally torture their victims till their is barely any of the original person left. You are an incredibly strong woman. You saw through it all and had the strength of character to uproot the life you had and get yourself and your children away. I am beginning to realise that and I pity any woman who gets in his way

You can pull through this hun. Take on day at a time, make sure that everyday you do something special for yourself - have a nice dinner, enjoy a glass of wine, play some nice music, have a luxury soak in the bath. Start having high expectations of what you deserve. Life will get better.

Have added my comments in blue. Thank you for taking the time to reply. You are virtually spot on!