Learning to trust people again

JoW123

Bit of background....I split from ex nearly 2 years ago now after finding out that he was a gambling, irresponsible, lying man who was incredibly emotionally manipulative. We have 2 children who he sees for a few hours each week so long as I take and collect them from his house. We are able to converse about things to do with the children and there is no arguing etc but it's all practical stuff. I am finally coming to terms with who he turned out to be (which is not the person I thought) and that all the promises he made were lies. I feel nothing for him, and haven't for a long long time.

As a result I struggle to trust anyone and can be quite happily talking to a friend when suddenly I will begin to worry that I'm being taken in again and feel very emotional. I've stopped inviting people round to my house and feel like I'm trying to shut myself away and yet this is not what I want at all. I genuinely love company but suddenly its all getting just too scary. I've had a friend round this evening and really struggled to keep calm as I just wanted to run for the hills!! I'm beginning to think that I'll feel like this forever. I accept that I will never, ever get over what happened with my ex but is it possible to recover enough to feel a sense of security again instead of this constant fear that building new friendships will be too difficult??? I have not dated anyone since the split and if I can't even cope with friends coming round then the thought of any sort of romantic liason may bring on a collapse!!

I'm rebuilding my life with the children in so many other ways and they are happy and doing well at school, so I'm not depressed or unhappy. Has anyone any thoughts which may help or been through anything similar? After nearly 2 years I should be better than this surely?

Becca_

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way but I think it can be normal after your trust in someone so important in your life has been shattered.

The feelings you describe remind me of how I felt for a time. For me, as much as I try my hardest to trust people now, I think there will always be that niggling doubt because of past experiences.
Do you think that you are trying to protect yourself from being hurt again? Just a thought, it sounds like you have barriers up which is understandable.

I wish I had some more proactive advice for you. I just wanted to say that it's not unusual to feel the way you do. I hope in time you manage to learn to trust again.

POPPYOSCAR

You have to learn to trust again and be prepared to be let down again as it is all part of life and if you ever want to meet someone and have a good relationship.

I knew I could trust my new partner when he looked into my eyes and said "someone has really hurt you".We are still together 26 years later.

There are good men out there but you have to be prepared to let yourself be let down in order to find one.

JoW123

Many thanks to you for your replies.

Becca - yes I'm sure I'm trying to protect myself from being hurt. I honestly don't think I could take it again. Thank you for your support.

Hovel lady - thank you for this. I think it's the fear of opening up to people incase I get hurt again that is probably causing the anxiety, and that's what I need to learn to manage

JoW123

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

You have to learn to trust again and be prepared to be let down again as it is all part of life and if you ever want to meet someone and have a good relationship.

I knew I could trust my new partner when he looked into my eyes and said "someone has really hurt you".We are still together 26 years later.

There are good men out there but you have to be prepared to let yourself be let down in order to find one.

Do you know this has really struck a chord with me. I've never thought about being prepared to be let down just ways of making sure it never happens!! You are completely correct though in that I need to put myself out there so to speak and run the risk. Maybe I need to accept that letting anyone near me even as a friend will be scary for a while but hopefully if I persevere it will get easier??

POPPYOSCAR

JoW123 wrote: »

Do you know this has really struck a chord with me. I've never thought about being prepared to be let down just ways of making sure it never happens!! You are completely correct though in that I need to put myself out there so to speak and run the risk. Maybe I need to accept that letting anyone near me even as a friend will be scary for a while but hopefully if I persevere it will get easier??

I don't think you can ever make sure you are not let down again and yes it will be scary letting someone get close to you and yes they may let you down. But on the other hand they may surprise you.

Just be yourself, don't let yourself be taken advantage of but at the same time be open enough to let someone in, if they let you down put it down to experience and move on.

Good luck, hope you do trust again and find happiness with someone.

JoW123

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I don't think you can ever make sure you are not let down again and yes it will be scary letting someone get close to you and yes they may let you down. But on the other hand they may surprise you.

Just be yourself, don't let yourself be taken advantage of but at the same time be open enough to let someone in, if they let you down put it down to experience and move on.

Good luck, hope you do trust again and find happiness with someone.

Thank you. Sometimes the words of someone who doesn't know you personally can be very healing and objective. You have all made me feel better than earlier this evening.

CFC

You can learn to trust again but it will take time. It could be 3 years or thirty. It will also take you time to learn to trust your own judgement again, but time heals all wounds.

1echidna

I understand that you are hurt JoW123 but best thing, like riding a bike is to get straight on again. At least that is what I've seen people I admire do. Remember nothing irks your ex partner so mauch as to see that you have fallen on your feet.

3v3

Have you considered counselling? Once you've had your trust badly dented in the ways you have, it's bound to have left you wondering who and if you can trust again. Two years isn't very long really (although, two years as a single parent can feel much longer at times ) yet, the fact you feel it is a struggle to remain calm when you have a friend around suggests this is seriously affected you on a day-to-day basis. That simply shows how deeply the whole business has affected you. I think if you went and spoke to your GP and asked if you could referred to a counsellor (some offer 6 sessions I think) it could help you.

As for future relationships, be patient; you need to feel a bit more confident in yourself around people first.

Good luck.

paddy's_mum

JoW123 wrote: »

can be quite happily talking to a friend when suddenly I will begin to worry

I've stopped inviting people round to my house

suddenly its all getting just too scary.

I've had a friend round this evening and really struggled to keep calm as I just wanted to run for the hills!!

so I'm not depressed

I suspect that you are suffering from a mild-ish form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The fact that what you are afraid of is another highly damaging emotional entanglement, rather than say a fear of becoming trapped once again in a lift, doesn't make the fear any the less real or devastating.

The giveaway for me is the use of the word "suddenly" and that powerful desire to run away from the situation which is creating the deep anxiety and distress.

Your survival instincts are kicking in, yelling 'avoid, avoid...' What you need now is help to channel those instincts so that they work for you instead of making you feel as edgy and scared as you do at present.

I agree wholeheartedly with the post by 3v3 and I too would urge you to see your GP and seek counselling. It's too easy to feel so overwhelmed that you just sink deeper and then do go into a depressive state, which helps nobody especially the children who need you.

Your motivation is strong and with just a little professional help, you will come back stronger and wiser than ever. Good luck and phone the surgery first thing tomorrow, won't you?