Daughter's debts

a1job7

Hi,

I would recommend getting in touch with a charity called Chrisitans Again Poverty (google them). Their main aim is to help people out of debt through repayments not defaults or bankruptcy where possible. They are here to help all walks of life and it is absolutely free.

I CANNOT RECOMMEND THEM ENOUGH

They way they work is by opening a banking account for you to pay your wages into. They then negotiate with all creditors on your daughters behalf to either pay a bit off bit by bit (even if it is only a penny) or to write it off/defer it until she can make payments. They will also deal with nulling interest and charges through negotiations. The massive up side of this approach is that CAP takes on all negotiates, they will deal with all creditors, bailiffs and debt chasers. Your daughter will not need to face the daily onslaught of phone calls - instead they can have a nice friendly chat their personal advisor from CAP.

As part of the process of clearing the debt CAP will train them in sensible money use, draw up a plan for repayments and effective budgetting. They also offer support if you need to attend court.

Thanks

Chris

MattSS

I cannot believe that people are advocating allowing your daughter to "make her own mistakes" and run up more debt before she has her light bulb moment!? What a ridiculous approach!!!

Yes, it is your daughter's problem to sort out but you can no doubt lend a hand.

I do think if you want to help you need to know the full extent of the problem as you don't seem clear on the exact figures or nature of the debts involved. Perhaps you could sit with your daughter to complete an SOA with her. Hopefully this will hammer home
a) that she has debts and
b) that she doesn't have enough coming in to cover the costs and repay in a meaningful time frame.

Good luck

bouncydog1

Purdita - what a huge worry for you. I have seen this all before as a relative did exactly what your daughter is doing and eventually had to go bankrupt - now in her late 40's she has to live at home with her mother as she cannot manage her money and can only get jobs that pay a small amount. She has no credit facility at all.

The effect on her mother's health with all of the worry and calls was astronomical and has caused family rifts because her mother kept trying to bail her out.

You are doing the right thing but perhaps you need to be a little tougher on your daughter - could you take the car back for instance to save it being taken by Bailiff's. I would think that if you have evidence of payment then technically it is yours - this might be the wakeup call she needs as if you took the car back she would then see what could happen if she doesn't sort herself out. At the age of 22 she is an adult and has to take responsibility.

However in your shoes I would also be destroying any offers of further credit (rightly or wrongly) as at the end of the day she is your daughter. Good luck in trying to sort her out.

purdita

A massive thank you to the last three posters. I will look into contacting the charity you mentioned.
I think my daughter has reached the stage where it has got so bad, she can't see a way out, and I'm sure it will be a tremendous help if I can show her that there is help out there.
MATSS I too was gobsmacked at that reply. I guess some people like to feel self righteous! I wonder if it was a problem with drink or drugs, these people would be advocating the same approach!
These debts all stem from the moment she was 18, being bombarded with offers of store cards etc. whenever she went into a shop. She knows she's been silly, it's just getting her to do something about it instead of her hoping it's just going to disappear.
Taking the car back Bouncydog isn't really an option as she wouldn't be able to travel to university without it. Where we live is quite isolated with very limited public transport. Maybe it could be transferred it into mine or my husbands name and only allow her to have it to get to and from uni or work?
I know I'm not the only parent dealing with this and I also know she could have gotten into far worse trouble....and I hope will eventually have enough common sense to take responsibility for her debts, but in the meantime, as you say she is my daughter and I don't want this to ruin her chances for the future


.

Hippychick

Can you at least transfer the v5 back to your name but let her drive it? It could hold off the bailiffs taking it if not in her name?

purdita

Hippychick wrote: »

Can you at least transfer the v5 back to your name but let her drive it? It could hold off the bailiffs taking it if not in her name?

That's what I was thinking.....especially as I paid for it in the first place too! Might be jumping the gun as we've not had any bailiffs (yet) but it's a possibility.
As most of the debt seems to be made up of interest and charges on the storecards and bank account, do you think there's any chance some of it could be written off if we came up with a payment plan?

MrsTinks

OK you ain't going to like this but I'll say it anyway...
People are saying she has to make her own mistakes and GET OUT OF THEM HERSELF because you have already bailed her out once and frankly I don't think she realises that you aren't going to do it again... especially once her car gets towed or clamped.
It's not because we're cold and heartless but because you are not the first and will definitely not be the last parent who has been on here with the same problems...
Whilst I doubt anyone is saying "cut her loose and chuck her out" then with all due respect you can only lead the horse to water... You need to support her and help her but you must NOT pay her debts or sort them out for her! Offer her the guidance to deal with them but dont do any of the work on her behalf. This is what most of us mean with "she has to sort it herself or she'll never learn". I have step siblings who at nearly 40 STILL try and get money from our parents because in the past they have given in too many times. They had a severe shock a few years back when after a chat to our parents I pointed out that they couldn't carry on doing this or THEIR future would be at risk... The tears, shouting, guilt trips and what have you that ensued was a sight to behold... Thankfully after many years of giving in the bank of mum and dad closed and I guess by the time my darling siblings are 60 they might have sorted themselves out...
Your daughter has youth on her side... let her mess up her credit file now... once she asks for help it'll be 6 years at most before it's clean again. Isn't it better she learns now than in 10-15 years?

As for the phone calls... ask her to send the "only correspond in writing" letter... should stop them calling the house.

As for writing any of the debt off... if she can come up with lump sums then she can make full and final offers - but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not lend her the money for this! You helped her before and it didn't work! If she can get a job then make sure every penny is saved and not spent. In the mean time make token payments of £1 per creditor and when she has about 40% of her debt saved make F&F offers of about 25%. You might get lucky and find they will settle at 30-40%

DVardysShadow

purdita wrote: »

She is living under MY roof, these unsolicited letters are being sent to MY address and I am the one constantly being telephoned by debt collectors.
If trying to stop her from getting even deeper in debt is interfering, then I plead guilty as charged. I only wish I'd Interfered more in the beginning and then she wouldn't be in this mess.

You are getting yourself in a right pickle over this.

Now, you need your clear thinking cap on. There are 2 problems here

• Your daughter's debts
• harassment and fear of debt collecting activity against your property

The only person who can solve the first problem is your daughter - with your help if she is minded to involve you. The second problem is entirely within your remit to deal with and you can and should take firm action to stop the phone harassment and prevent doorstep visits.

But letters addressed to your daughter are for her to deal with. It is not the same as phone harassment or doorstep visits. I respectfully suggest that part of your daughter's problem is that she does not have a vision of herself as an independent person separate from her mother. Because in part you are not respecting the boundaries by controlling what post addressed to her she should actually see.

peainapod

MattSS wrote: »

I cannot believe that people are advocating allowing your daughter to "make her own mistakes" and run up more debt before she has her light bulb moment!? What a ridiculous approach!!!

Yes, it is your daughter's problem to sort out but you can no doubt lend a hand.

I do think if you want to help you need to know the full extent of the problem as you don't seem clear on the exact figures or nature of the debts involved. Perhaps you could sit with your daughter to complete an SOA with her. Hopefully this will hammer home
a) that she has debts and
b) that she doesn't have enough coming in to cover the costs and repay in a meaningful time frame.

Good luck

Not a ridiculous approach at all ! There's only so much you can do for her. My sister was exactly like this, got herself into debt after debt after debt, my poor mother couldn't keep helping her. And why should she ? My sister clearly didn't care about what she was putting the rest of us through with her debts, if she did then she wouldn't let my mother bail her out all these times and then just go and rack up more debt. She would do it because she knew that there was always someone to help her out when she got in a mess.
When I was a student I was stupid with money. Got myself into huge debt with an overdraft while in uni and my mother was helping me. One day I rang up to ask her for money and she told me no, it was the best thing she ever did for me ! I was shocked she said no, but all of a sudden I had no money, nobody to fall back on and I didn't know what to do. It made me take a good hard look at myself and my financial situation and sort myself out. I had no choice, nobody else was going to do it for me I had to do it myself. You can guide her and offer advice but dont pay anything else for her. It is hard I know, she's your child and its hard not to want to help her out of this but paying things for her is only making it worse.
Hope this helps

edinburgher

While I'm not suggesting for a second that you don't do what you can to help your daughter, the desire for change has to come from her, has to be believable and has to be consistent.

My ex girlfriend had a problem with credit card debt and had her parents bail her out on at least three occasions (£15k+). Because they were loving parents who were willing to help her out, she never learned the lessons required to sort herself out and kept ending up back at square one. It was a deeply saddening situation, as they had relatively low paid jobs and were very lucky if they spent a few thousand a year on themselves.

I suppose that what I'm saying is offer your daughter your continued love and support with listening, advice etc., but stick to your guns and don't bail her out again. Transferring the car back to yourself is probably a good pre-emptive step and some of the charities mentioned will provide lots of help.

Also, why not direct her towards MSE? I remember being a student debtor and thinking that I was the first person to get myself in such a stupid situation. Coming on the DFW board for the first time made me realise that this wasn't the case, but also hammered home some important lessons about individual responsibility and the fact that the banks aren't our friends!