Nice people thread part 4 - sugar and spice and all things

vivatifosi

PasturesNew wrote: »

But I'm kind of stuck at the stage before that... I don't even have a clue what I could be asking the advocate to look into for me. I'm so far down the desolate road now that I don't know which way's up and really don't care any more.

That's fine, say that. Say you called them before and they helped you sort out the other old and what happened. Say that you are now responsible for this old in a way that you couldn't have anticipated and that you don't know what to do and you're back to square one, being blown off by social services and still not knowing how to ask questions or who to speak to.

Pastures, whatever you do, know that we're all here for you.

GDB2222

PasturesNew wrote: »

I've stopped 'caring' now, see how the old manages without it .... and I've stopped caring. Too tired and down to care about anything now, I just want a very, very long and quiet sleep. I could sleep for 1000 years.

The trouble with parents is, you can't give them away. According to the law etc they have choice and it's all their choice. Trouble is, the choice that's being made is the one that enslaves me. It's not like looking after somebody with a broken leg, that's grateful, it's a spiteful and demanding, emotionally draining, experience - designed to break me down until I've not got the energy to walk away ... but I must walk while I still have a dream that somewhere out there is freedom.

Oh, PN, you sound so unhappy, and you definitely need to go somewhere else. Get a loaf of bread in for mum, pack, hop in the car, and just go. Hang the cost, and why does it need to be within 10 miles? If you are not the closest, your sib from 20 miles away will be the closest. So, next time mum needs another loaf of bread, sib can get it. And sib can give mum a mouthful from close quarters.

neverdespairgirl

silvercar wrote: »

Whose Sam?

Sorry, she's Isaac's nanny. So she has tea and coffee chez NDG, and keeps horrible chicken liver pate in the fridge (-:

She's lovely, and been with us since Isaac was a baby. She doesn't live here, though.

I know what PN's going to say, though!

ruggedtoast

Last time I checked in on this thread, about 113 pages ago, you were all talking about bra straps.

Now its turned into this:

LydiaJ

PasturesNew wrote: »

The trouble with parents is, you can't give them away. According to the law etc they have choice and it's all their choice. Trouble is, the choice that's being made is the one that enslaves me. It's not like looking after somebody with a broken leg, that's grateful, it's a spiteful and demanding, emotionally draining, experience - designed to break me down until I've not got the energy to walk away ... but I must walk while I still have a dream that somewhere out there is freedom.

SingleSue wrote: »

I know the feelings all too well but even so, I have no idea how to make you feel more positive, or less stressed...caring for someone is one of the hardest things to do.

And nobody has more right to say that than you do, Sue.

I know my caring situation is trivial in comparison with Sue's but all the same I do feel the same helpless, hopeless trapped feelings that Sue and Pastures are talking about. You can't give away children any more than you can give away parents, and all the time you know that this is not their fault or their choice, and that they have absolutely no resources or options other than to rely on you. They take you for granted with an ingratitude that would be staggering from an adult but is just natural in children relying on mum (at least until they're much much older).

Who am I to whinge? I have a lot more freedom than either Sue or Pastures is getting just at the moment, and a more realistic hope that they will grow out of depending on me quite this much in only a few years. But I have been struggling today with feeling isolated and trapped and overwhelmed, and I want to say, loud and clear, Pastures, hold onto your identity. Your Old has money, and money can buy care for old people. It may not be her first choice, but an old people's home is a positive and realistic option for her, in the way that a children's home could never be for my kids (or Sue's, for that matter). You are not the only option, and you shouldn't be. Don't let yourself be enslaved. Oh, and while I'm at it, Sue, go knock 'em dead at that interview. I'm so excited at the idea of a job for you.

vivatifosi wrote: »

That's fine, say that. Say you called them before and they helped you sort out the other old and what happened. Say that you are now responsible for this old in a way that you couldn't have anticipated and that you don't know what to do and you're back to square one, being blown off by social services and still not knowing how to ask questions or who to speak to.

Pastures, whatever you do, know that we're all here for you.

What viva said. The advocate will understand that you don't know what to ask for. Just describe the facts of what's happened, how you feel about it - ie the sort of things you've been telling us - and then say "I don't even know what help to ask for, but I know I can't carry on like this."

neverdespairgirl

Lydia's absolutely right, PN.

PasturesNew

Went shopping for food for the old 2 hours ago, then saw the state of the kitchen when I put it away .... obviously been having little slips and accidents as the floor's awash with granules and crumbs and stuff. But I won't clean it. I'll just keep stepping over it. I'd cleaned/scrubbed it while the old was gone - as part of the "clean it thoroughly, for sale" drive and I don't make a mess (well, it's wiped immediately if I do), so lost the will now.

Old gets taken away in an hour for a few hours .... so I can make some calls then. The trouble is, limited options in this part of the country. Very limited options - and interminable waiting for things as you can never speak to anybody, the whole county works on a basis of you phoning and leaving a message and within 1-2 weeks somebody calls you back - and if you're not there waiting for the call then you can't call them back, all you can do is log a call that you called and wait for them to call you back.

silvercar

LydiaJ, cherish them. I'm at the point where DS1 is back at uni with the occasional text message and that's it. DS2 is flapping his independence wings, ready for off.

PN, you need to be strong, this is a stage and it will pass. In the mean time you are giving mixed messages. By responding to the old's crys of help. Go somewhere where there is no phone signal and phone some emergency SS number and tell then old is home alone and can't cope.

PasturesNew

silvercar wrote: »

PN, you need to be strong, this is a stage and it will pass. In the mean time you are giving mixed messages. By responding to the old's crys of help. Go somewhere where there is no phone signal and phone some emergency SS number and tell then old is home alone and can't cope.

I didn't know there was an emergency number. That'd be no good, they'd decide what the old needs and put it in place and it costs a fortune..... we need to decide what the old needs and how often. e.g. when they did an assessment they said the old needed help getting up/dressed .... but the old has to be up and dressed and to have got downstairs and to have unlocked and unbolted two doors to let somebody in that'd help them get up. They totally didn't understand the old's needs, nor think it through.

The old can get up/dressed and unlock the doors OK. So their 'assessment' was pure drivel. I have no confidence in them - if you're self-funding they've no time for you. The assessment was a farce too, took about 6 weeks and they just sent us a money-wasting pack of garbage that the old couldn't have understood (neither did we to be honest). So it's been put in the pile because the bottom line is it's just a list of agencies where you can hire the people to come in and do stuff.

silvercar

Would it be too terrible to hire someone to come in for the weekend, so you and siblings can have a whole weekend with no responsibilities for the old?