I just don't understand

dissy

Can any of you help me out?
About 3 months ago my cousin asked me if I would look after his young daughters for a long weekend so that he could go to America with his new partner ( he is widowed).
I think the world of these girls they are always really polite and well behaved and a credit it to him after losing his wife.
Last week after having very little contact with him for a while he sent me an e-mail detailing what he proposed should happen this weekend. I really think he was taking the micky that he was just going to get a relative to drop the children after school on the whim of an e-mail.
I have looked after the girls on numerious occassions and he knows that I would never let any harm come to them in my company.
This weekend has been a real eyeopener for me though the girls tell me that he has thrown everything out of there mums they had only kept a few bits and pieces that were her personnal belongings, they said he had totally gutted the house and her name was not to be mentioned again, and there would be no visitors who had been friends or family of hers. I was really shocked and saddened.
The worst of it all was he did not ring the girls in the 4 days they were here. I really feel like ringing him and saying that I think its bad that you could not ring your kids and see if they were ok.
I feel that his new girlfriend is the influence behind this as he would never have done this before. He did ring his father who texted me to say they got there alright.
It seems to me I am just used to dump the kids on when he wants to flit off.
What do you guys think?
Thanks for any advice.

Emmzi

how long has he been widowed?

people deal with loss in different ways. It is entirely possible he just cannot bear having his wife's things around. And, that he has been "poor widowed bloke" for so long, he just needed a break, where he could be himself, not be pitied, etc. That would match cutting ties with old friends too.

It may not be your standards, but he sounds like a good dad, good man, who has been through a rough time. Does any of that sound possible?

Errata

Don't speculate and don't jump to conclusions. Why not have a gentle and courteous conversation with his dad and tell him you think your cousin seems to be acting out of character, he may be able to set your mind at rest.

dissy

He has been widowed 3 years and this is 2nd relationship.
I still find it hard to understand why he did not check the girls were ok.

CH27

Grief affects different people different ways.

Try having a gentle chat with him about how important Mum's belongings are to them.

Make the girls aware that they can always talk to you about their mum.

meritaten

dissy wrote: »

He has been widowed 3 years and this is 2nd relationship.
I still find it hard to understand why he did not check the girls were ok.

I can think of two reasons, perhaps three
first - that he has the utmost trust in you as a babysitter, which is a compliment.
second - that he wanted some escape time - and not to think about anything in the UK, while he was gone
and perhaps, his girlfriend deliberately kept him too busy to phone.

Try not to judge harshly hun. people cope with coming to terms with bereavement in different ways. He may well think that he is over his grief and its time to 'throw out the old' and get on with making a new life.
I can understand him changing his surroundings - but his wifes and the girls mothers name is NEVER to be mentioned?????? bit harsh on the kids, but you say he has let them have personal keepsakes at least.

gratefulforhelp_2

This is his behaviour, and they are his kids, not the girlfriend's.

It is a bit harsh to blame it on her.

honeypop

dissy wrote: »

I still find it hard to understand why he did not check the girls were ok.

dissy wrote: »

I have looked after the girls on numerous occasions and he knows that I would never let any harm come to them in my company.

Maybe this is why? He was confident they would be fine.

dissy

Its a good job they were as he left no way of me contacting him he did not even give me the name of the hotel.
I am finding his behaviour rather strange at the moment.
I dont know many people who could leave there kids for 5 days with no contact.
This is not the first holiday he has taken on his own since the wife died. She was only early 40's and the children are young.
I don,t think a phone call would of hurt, just as reassurance for them.

meritaten

dissy - leaving the kids without giving you a contact number is out of order. its just not on! especially as he didnt contact you. I babysit a lot and although I have my kids mobile numbers they always tell me where there are going.
I feel sorry for the kids - they must have wondered why daddy didnt phone.
I would insist on a contact number next time and warn him that if you cannot contact him if anything happened to one of the kids - then Social Services may well take an interest.

shy-but-need-help

As you mention he has been widowed for three years I don't find it that harsh nor odd that he's moved forward and removed their mothers posessions from the house, allowing them to keep a few sentimental items. As you mention the children are young, he is still young and I think it would actually be quite unreasonable for him to be unable to move forward and allow a new partner to feel more comfortable in his home, as much as his children need to keep the memories of their mother they don't need to be surrounded by a home 100% as it was when she was there for their memories to remain. Hopefully his finding a new, sucessful, long term relationship could be a positive one for his children- not replacing their mother as no one ever will but providing another positive female influence for them.

Could his sudden need for restricting conversation & visitors be because the visitors he does have expect him to freeze his life entirely until the girls are grown up? And that he knows they will criticise his choice to change the house rather than keeping it as it was? If I were a widow and wanted to move forward, not to forget but to carry on living my life (as I'd hope my husband would want for me and the children if he did die young... here he is playing xbox with no idea I am talking about his non-existant potential demise on MSE) if I wanted that and I felt his family were going to judge me and comment on it I'd probably shut them out rather than live my life to their approval... I hope that doesn't sound too harsh.

Does he have a mobile? I don't tend to leave contact numbers other than my mobile when we travel. I may come across as cruel but I don't phone my children if/when they are away from me for the weekend and they are left with trusted family who I know will care for them and contact me if needed. I don't call them because I know they will be 100% fine and yet if I call them the person I have left them will may have to suddenly deal with a "I miss mommy" outbreak which would never have happened had I not called and refocused their minds to me, as he was on the otherside of the world is it possible he didn't want to risk landing you with homesickness to deal with?

If flying out of the country I would have called to tell the adult we arrived safely and check on the kids but not specifically to speak to them.