I just don't understand

dissy

Yes but very limited contact and again have to be very careful what I say to her about any of it, she is still very welcome here but now not to meet the younger ones.

RAS

hi

I think what you need to do with all three children is explain that you are limited in what you can say to them about their home life and each other, but they are always welcome and you are happy to listen to them.

orlao

From the perspective of the kids - my father was widowed young and my brothers were in their early teens at the time.

It was very difficult all round and he started seeing another woman within a couple of months - an old family friend, she'd been a pal of my mothers.

Half of the problem was that father continued with his 'old' life, full time job and was trying to also carry on a new relationship - almost forgetting that he had 3 young kids at home who didn't have any mum let alone a SAHM as had been the case previously! He has never been deliberately malicious just a bit thoughtless at times but his GF (still with her but they don't live together anymore) is immature IMO and has always competed with the boys for his attention. They did move in together for a couple of years (she has 2 kids, one younger than my brothers, another a few years older than them) and there was a lot of tension as there was a very clear divide between HER kids and them - she would cook dinner for them but tell the boys that they had to wait till my father got in, her son would be left to babysit his sister but he would get one of the boys to do with the threat that if they didn't he'd tell his mum and she'd complain to our dad . BTW, my father wasn't aware of any of this at the time and my brothers didn't want to rock the boat - they are good kids :TAlso, if my mother was mentioned, well prepare for lemon lips and a mega sulk. Funnily enough, she behaved perfectly around me (I'm a lot older than them, had already left home and lived in a different country so I didn't know how bad things were) It was only when I was home for Christmas one year when she had decided to go to her own family for the day and the phone calls started before we had even sat down to dinner (2pm fgs)moaning that he hadn't gone round to see her, he'd promised that he was going to spend some of Xmas day with them etc, every 20 minutes she rang! None of us were invited, that was made very clear.

Anyway, couple of days later, I had a chat with daddy dearest, reminded him that he had kids at home and while nobody expected that he should become a hermit and so forth but surely they should be a priority as they, through no fault of their own only had him. As you can imagine, that went down like a ton of bricks and our relationship suffered but at least I was aware of what was going on and could support the boys. Apparently, when she heard about this conversation she went on and on about how I wasn't 'coping' with losing my mother, was jealous and was trying to 'spoil her life' Okaaaaaaaaay.

A few months later, there was a major bust up, my father overheard a conversation between GF and SS which was very disrespectful about one of my brothers - something along the lines of "we can get them to do anything, they won't dare go to their dad cos he'll believe us not them" and he blew and she moved out in a huff.

My father rang me in absolute bits asking was it really as bad as I'd told him as my brothers were still saying that it was ok, don't worry about it, we're fine (they are very laid back and just wanted him to be happy) and I did then tell him a few home truths. It wasn't easy for him and he does still feel very guilty about this 10 years later but he really didn't see what was under his nose at the time. The big difference to the OPs situation was that my mothers family with a few exceptions weren't/aren't very involved. They don't do supportiveness or selflessness in any form so as " it is too upsetting to us to be reminded of your mother" they weren't on the scene. GF also filtered out a lot of my mothers friends in case they didn't join in the cheer leading for loves middle aged dream :rotfl:

The moral of the novel above is that bereaved kids appreciate support from any direction. Even at a very young age they can be protecting the feelings of the only parent they have left and it is important that they have someone they can talk to about their mother without worrying that they are upsetting their father or the new GF. Also, in our case while my father is a very good man he didn't have a clue about day to day parenting as he'd always had a job that took him away for days/weeks at a time, never been a 'hands on' dad IYSWIM so he thought that as long as the kids were fed, dressed, got to school, bills paid and had a roof over their head that he was doing a good job - he just didn't have the experience to realise he was missing huge chunks of good parenting at the time.

OP, I wouldn't talk to the dad in any way that might be interpreted as accusing him of doing anything badly - I can 99% guarantee that you won't see the girls again, just provide an ear to them. Also, if they want to see their sister - I think I'd let them.