How to gain confidence

Bonking_Mad

I'm now in my late 40's, several years ago, I suffered a nervous breakdown, since then, I've never felt 100% confident, so, how does one become more confident without coming across as aggressive?

I work in an office where my line director is based in another part of the Country, but the department manager is based in the same office as me.

I work "alongside" a department manager, this individual makes all the decisions, including those of my role, for various reasons I just don't have the confidence to stand up to her, (she's laid into me before now, which has destroyed the little confidence I had) although she’s very helpful at times, when the pressure’s on, she vicious, but only in my presence, I know I should speak to HR / my line director, but I'm afraid of the backlash from her, she’ll deny it, then make my life a misery.

It’s not just her tho, I constantly want to please everyone all the time, other senior managers / my line director, I’m constantly saying what I “think” they want to hear, one could interpret that as being 2 faced, due to my lack of confidence, it appears I am, I wish I had the confidence to stand up and say what I thought.

I’ve often wondered whether there is a prescribed drug I could take to give me the confidence I’m so lacking.

Any suggestions how I become confident to enable me to stand up for myself, without being fearful.

Sambucus_Nigra

First thing. What will change as a result of you being more assertive?

Bonking_Mad

Good question

Being more assertive would give me the confidence to stand up for myself rather than being a "yes" man

j.e.j.

If you always have a feeling (even if you're not always conscious of it ) that you are inferior to others it might be worth tackling your low self-esteem first.
If that's not the case, then maybe just take small steps at a time. Promise yourself you will say NO to someone/something, for example, and try and do it. Don't expect results overnight, but gradually if you start to stand up for yourself people will start to respect you.
Also: I recommend Dr Claire weekes books if someone has or has had nervous illness.
hope this helps

Sambucus_Nigra

Bonking_Mad wrote: »

Good question

Being more assertive would give me the confidence to stand up for myself rather than being a "yes" man

Ok. good start.

Give me one thing that you wished you had given an alternative answer to. How did she ask/tell and how did you respond?

Bonking_Mad

j.e.j. wrote: »

If you always have a feeling (even if you're not always conscious of it ) that you are inferior to others it might be worth tackling your low self-esteem first

Hadn't thought about it until you mentioned it, but I think it's my low self-esteem that's the issue, any idea's how I improve / lift my low self-esteem?

Bonking_Mad

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Ok. good start.

Give me one thing that you wished you had given an alternative answer to. How did she ask/tell and how did you respond?

I've never questioned her decisions, I've always gone along with what she says, believing she's more superior in her decisions.

I work alongside her, not for her, my line manager tells me what he wants from me, because I work alonside her, I don't have the confidence to disagee with her decisions.

Pee

I can't really explain how to be more self confident.

I've done it and I went on two assertiveness courses. I understood from them that a lot of what other people consider as being assertive I consider rude and I wouldn't want to be like that. I've realised my baisc character is to be nice and the further I go from this, the less comfortable I will be.

My view is that you have to really believe you are as good as the next person, that you have a right to be heard and that actually, you may be better than the next person as they may be unable to listen/ be obliging.

Sambucus_Nigra

Bonking_Mad wrote: »

I've never questioned her decisions, I've always gone along with what she says, believing she's more superior in her decisions.

I work alongside her, not for her, my line manager tells me what he wants from me, because I work alonside her, I don't have the confidence to disagee with her decisions.

But do you in any way disagree or is she actually right? You could be going down a path here that isn't needed. I assumed that you always agreed but inside you disagreed; but if inside you neither agree nor disagree then it's a different issue.

SailorSam

I have a friend who did a course at a local college in 'stand up comedy'
at the end of the class they all had to write a script and get up, only about 10mins, but that's a long time.
Maybe you could jump in the deep end and try something like that.
I'd like to have a go myself but scared people would laugh at me.

Fire_Fox

Ask your doctor to refer you for counselling or CBT or whatever therapy they think is most suitable. Start planning what you are going to say next time you are spoken to inappropriately by this manager - lodging a complaint with human resources should not be your first step. You just need to say something simple like "please do not speak to me like that". If she continues to be abusive don't wait for her to draw breath, just quietly say "excuse me" and leave the room. Do this each and every time and she should get the message without the need for confrontation. Only use this tactic if you are being shouted at or sworn at or the like, if you are being ticked off in a professional manner you will have to take that.