Not married? Living together? Protect yourself!

Norant

ditsydoris wrote: »

A word of warning to all of you living together. My partner of 10 yrs was attacked and left for dead in Sept 2010. After 4 weeks in Intensive Care with severe brain injuries and months of rehab I would like to point out the problems of dealing with his finances. I tried to pay numerous bills over the phone for him but was refused under " Data Protection ". No one would speak to me or answer questions. I was constantly asked for " Power of Attorney " which you cannot get when the person is mentally unfit. As I didn't know his pin numbers to certain accounts or passwords to his online credit card payment system I couldn't pay anything. When I phoned the credit card companies and asked for paper bills they refused to send them , even though I was trying to give them money! No one would deal with me even though we had shared the same address' for over 10 years and had a mortgage together for 4 years on our property we reside in. We have 2 children and are all but in name married but no one would deal with me. I ended up asking the social worker at the hospital to step in and help me but no one would deal with her either! Just a warning for all of you that think it won't happen to you! Get Power of Attorney or know all your partners details ( ie pin numbers ). I was left with no access to his accounts or internet banking. I was threatened with debt collectors for his accounts that were unpaid but neither would they let me pay them as i wasn't the account holder! When the police arrived at 3am I expected the worse but actually the worst was yet to come purely because we weren't married. I am not saying get married!, but think about what would happen if one of you was unable to function ( even in the near future ).

In 2008 my brother was involved in a car accident that left him with a broken neck,a broken back in three places and severe traumatic brain injury.He is still in brain rehab today.the accident was the fault of the other driver who was using a mobile whilst driving,the other driver sustained a fractured wrist.

I had to apply to the court of protection to get a deputyship order for him,i am still going through that process but we are at the very end of it now and i am just waiting for the order to come through.I know how difficult it can be,i have been through exactly what you have gone through with banks and other institutions,the way i dealt with some of them was to go to them,dont phone them because you are faceless and sometimes people will see your distress and help you a lot more than if you are just talking over the phone,this worked with some companies not all.

My brother was not married but he had a partner of ten years that took off as soon as she heard the amount of care he would need when he is eventually capable enough to leave brain rehab,we have not heard from her since.

I know what you are going through,i know how difficult it is but please keep pushing,keep fighting,and i hope he gets a lot better in the future.

Ronaldo_Mconaldo

esuhl wrote: »

Or to turn that around, if you know you love someone and they know you love them, etc... Why would you have to get married anyway? Who would you be trying to prove your love to? And if you needed to go to such lengths to prove your love because you knew it wouldn't be taken on trust, is the relationship really strong enough?

Sure, some couples might want to get married just for the ceremony or tradition or because they think of the process as somehow romantic, but different strokes for different folks and all that...

As far as I can see, the only reason to marry (or not) is to gain tax advantages, rights to dual-nationality, and (in the OP's case) a limited ability to operate your partner's affairs if they are incapacitated.

There are statistics that show that kids born to married parents do better in early life than kids who are born to unwed parents. I would say that that's a very important issue as well and not one that can easily be dismissed.

I'm sure that there are super-socialists who might come up with some levelling method where kids born to unwed parents get all kinds of benfits in life to even things out, but until that happens, well there we are.

mamabuddah

hate to say this, but if you weren't married, it's not anyone's fault but your own, secondly, if you were going to live "as a couple", the onus was on each of you to share ALL account details banks credit cards etc, thirdly, I understood most utility companies etc will allow you to pay acs online...perhaps the problem re payment etc was the fact that everything was in the other partners name therefore you didn't have any means to pay from your own accounts and therin is perhaps the problem....even though you chose to live as a couple, you didn't appear to "share" everything...and this can also be the case for married couples as well...

scottygirl_2

Mojisola wrote: »

Also think about what would happen if one of you died. Both partners need wills - only blood relations inherit if an unmarried person dies without a will.

There's lots of good advice on here - www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

This can also apply with step children .My mother died 10 years before my step dad they had no children , but married when i was 6 years old in 1968 i was brought up by him but never adopted never knew my real father. When my stepdad died in 2008 and left no will i was entitled to nothing house or contents, anything because i was not legally his even though mum also worked all her life to build up their home, everything was sheared ,between his brothers sisters nieces and nephews and legally there was nothing i could do.All my soliceter could do was to write to each of them indiviually and ask if i could be added to their share luckily all did agree but it only took one of them to say no and i would not of been allowed anything, so everything my mum worked for ended up split 15 equall ways between me and his blood relatives.

ThumbRemote

mamabuddah wrote: »

hate to say this, but if you weren't married, it's not anyone's fault but your own, secondly, if you were going to live "as a couple", the onus was on each of you to share ALL account details banks credit cards etc, thirdly, I understood most utility companies etc will allow you to pay acs online...perhaps the problem re payment etc was the fact that everything was in the other partners name therefore you didn't have any means to pay from your own accounts and therin is perhaps the problem....even though you chose to live as a couple, you didn't appear to "share" everything...and this can also be the case for married couples as well...

I suspect ditsydoris knows all this now, after the fact. Which is why she's posted a warning about it for other people.

fluffnutter

esuhl wrote: »

Or to turn that around, if you know you love someone and they know you love them, etc... Why would you have to get married anyway? Who would you be trying to prove your love to? And if you needed to go to such lengths to prove your love because you knew it wouldn't be taken on trust, is the relationship really strong enough?

If you're getting married to 'prove your love' you're marrying for the wrong reasons!

Voyager2002

mamabuddah wrote: »

hate to say this, but if you weren't married, it's not anyone's fault but your own, secondly, if you were going to live "as a couple", the onus was on each of you to share ALL account details banks credit cards etc, thirdly, I understood most utility companies etc will allow you to pay acs online...perhaps the problem re payment etc was the fact that everything was in the other partners name therefore you didn't have any means to pay from your own accounts and therin is perhaps the problem....even though you chose to live as a couple, you didn't appear to "share" everything...and this can also be the case for married couples as well...

Surely the OP deserves more sympathy than this!

Anyway, the simple fact of being married would not have helped much with the difficulties she encountered. The simple fact of being married to someone does not give access to their bank account, nor to their financial information. (I once needed to pay a credit card bill for my wife when she was out of the country, and I had to get a female friend to impersonate her on the telephone in order to find out how much was due and the sort code to pay it!)

shop-to-drop

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

We got married because we wanted to make a legally binding commitment to each other. We wanted to do this because we loved each other and making it legal demonstrated our commitment to each other which co-habiting would not have done.We never even thought of not making it legal.

We had a tiny register office wedding with about a dozen people there, so nothing at all to do with wanting a posh wedding.

Ditto except we had on four guest (our parents) and a pub lunch.

Our marriage was nothing to do with religion or tradition but we wanted to be legally commited to each other before starting a family. Really sorry for the OP and her situation I'm surprised though that she still doesn't advocate marriage. I don't understand why you wouldn't?

Nara

Sigh, I feel sorry for you OP. Of course you never think anything like this will happen to you.

I find it offensive that people say 'well its your own fault for not getting married!' why should you have to get married??

I have been with my partner for 12 years, had a mortgage together for 7 years and have one child who is 5 years old, I don't feel any real need ot get married, nor does he. I also find the expense a stupid waste of money, yet at the same time I really don't want to get married in a registry office.
I'm not sure what kind of research they did to claim that kids do better in early life if their parents are married?? I find this a load of crap tbh, how would the children know any different?? I think what they imply is that parents who are not married are more likely to break up, but in this day and age lets face thats not true! My grandparents freaked out when i got pregnant saying 'but your not married he could leave you!!'' errrr he could leave me even if we were married:rotfl:

Maybe one day we will get married, but personally since it changes nothing apart from me having more 'rights' and things I doubt it will be anyday soon.
I changed my name by deed poll, so we all have the same surname, much cheaper ;-) and everyone assumes we are married anyway. Tbh none of my partners debt companies will ever speak to me or let me pay a bill on the phone even if i say i am his wife, so i don't see that being married would help much here, however we have a joint account that is managed online so if something happened i would have control of this. I trust that I am with a guy who treats me well and respects us, if we were to break up I trust him to be fair, kind and resonable about it, thats the kind of guy he is. Maybe people should make better relationship choices if they worry that if they aren't married they can't divorce the guy at some point and get the house and all his money!

I feel sorry for you OP and I hope hes doing better now x

mamabuddah

Voyager2002 wrote: »

Surely the OP deserves more sympathy than this!

Anyway, the simple fact of being married would not have helped much with the difficulties she encountered. The simple fact of being married to someone does not give access to their bank account, nor to their financial information. (I once needed to pay a credit card bill for my wife when she was out of the country, and I had to get a female friend to impersonate her on the telephone in order to find out how much was due and the sort code to pay it!)

you obviously missed this bit of the post as well then...

"secondly, if you were going to live "as a couple", the onus was on each of you to share ALL account details banks credit cards etc, thirdly, I understood most utility companies etc will allow you to pay acs online...perhaps the problem re payment etc was the fact that everything was in the other partners name therefore you didn't have any means to pay from your own accounts and therin is perhaps the problem....even though you chose to live as a couple, you didn't appear to "share" everything...and this can also be the case for married couples as well..."