A Friendship Dilemma – I want to pay my way!!!

rebeccauk

Hi Everyone

Apologies if this is not the correct forum for a dilemma like this but I just wasn’t sure where to ask….

I’m a Mum with a 2 year old son. I have a part time job and generally only work either 1 or 2 days per week currently. I’m in a lucky position because my Husband is the bread-winner in our family and earns a good amount – enough for me not to work so we can keep afloat without me having to work more than I do. Now my son is getting older I have taken on some charity volunteer work one day per week – it gets me out of the house away from the everyday duties (which I love but also like to have a break from) and makes me feel good that I am giving some of my time to a charity I support.

When I work either as an employee or a volunteer my Mum looks after my son for me. It works for her as she enjoys spending time with her Grandson, she is retired and widowed so she likes the company. However, a few weeks ago she was invited to stay with some friends in Cornwall for 2 months. She was unsure as she felt that she had responsibilities at home with caring for my Son but I encouraged her to take up the opportunity and she is leaving at the weekend.

I have arranged for my Son to go to his other (Paternal) Grandmothers for the days that I am at (paid) work for the two months that Mum is away and she is looking forward to having him but the days she can have him are limited due to other commitments.

On the day when I do my charity work I have asked my best friend to look after my Son who is a registered childminder. I knew she had a vacancy for a pre-school child and that she was looking for other children – especially over the Summer period when she tends to be quieter. When I asked her if she would have him I made it quite clear that I wanted him to go through her books and to pay for him as she would get with any other child.

I contacted her yesterday just to confirm timings for dropping him off etc and to double check her day rate and she said she didn’t want me to pay anything and that she is having him to help me out, loves having him, he is like part of the family and she would be offended if I paid her. I really want to pay her for having him as I feel that is fairer…I wasn’t looking for free childcare or a favour for a friend and I would really like to insist that I pay her but would hate for her to be angry with me for forcing money on her. I don’t want her to feel awkward accepting it but I just can’t see a way past this.

I know that her husband would prefer for me to pay and for my son to go through her books so he is on my side – he has said before that she is too kind and has done favours for other friends before with childcare and he thinks they should pay the same as anyone as she has a business to run. Perhaps she would prefer to accept the money but feels that our friendship is too close to make it into a business transaction?! Maybe she just feels that she ought to offer me free childcare because we are so close?!

Both me and my friend are now upset and the conversation did end on a bit of a sour note. Obviously I can’t lose a great friend over this and don’t want it to affect us in any way and my main priority now is to sort it out so we are back to normal. Should I keep pushing or back off and let her have him for free? My gut is to keep pushing and to drop him off with the money for his day-rate in an envelope and not mention it but I would hate to offend her.

Please help!!!!

rachbc

oooh tricky - can you make a payment in kind instead....buy them something as a thank you gift

meeps

I would give her thoughtful gifts to the value of the childcare.

**confuzzled**

I wouldn't pay her but I would give her a generous thank you gift..possibly something she's been wanting for a while but can't justify getting or if she has a day free, take her out with you and your son and treat her to a decent meal.

She'll feel appreciated for doing you a 'favour' and you feel you've paid her for her time..win win:D

moodydonkey

Is there something that you could pay for instead ie take her a few bottles of wine or some vouchers for where she shops?

honeypop

I would either ask her if she would accept payment to cover his expenses - so for all food and drink, and costs for days out, soft play, toddler groups etc whatever she takes her mindees to. So at least she isn't out of pocket there, and it's some sort of compromise for you both.

Or, ask her if there is some pieces of equipment or something that she'd love to have for the children, that you could buy instead. I know my childminder has a sort of wishlist in her head and if ever anyone asks what they can get then she has some things ready to suggest (normally craft supplies, activity books, baking ingredients, gardening bits etc, something that she normally goes through a lot of, rather than toys and books that just build up).

arbroath_lass

I wondered if, maybe, not having your son on her books means she can still look for another child to mind? After all it is only one day a week for two months.

I'm sure as she meant it when she said she didn't want paid as she knows you're not being paid. I'd back off TBH. But I think I'd probably save the money I would have paid and offer it again at the end or buy her something really nice to say thanks. Jus thinking aloud here but as she's childminding all day, maybe you could offer to take her child/ren for the same amount of time over various evenings to allow her and hubby to have an evening out?

McKneff

Take her and her OH out for a meal, or Sunday lunch but I wouldnt pay her, the way she is thinking is that she has children anyway so having yours is not actually costing her anything apart from some lunch.

Try think about it from her point of view and think what you would do if the positions were reversed.

Tell her youre sorry but you didnt want her to feel you were taking advantage.
Annie

pigpen

Did you tell her you feel like you are taking advantage by not paying and that it upsets you that she doesn't want you to pay.. ask her if you could please at least pay half for example.. so she is helping you and you are covering his expenses and hopefully a few of her own!

tell her you do appreciate her generosity but this time you feel you cannot accept wholly as a matter of pride and knowing it is her livelihood.

Thank her lots and lots.. and if she still refuses payment I would probably look for childcare elsewhere TBH.I wold feel beholden to her otherwise and I couldn't live with that.

podperson

To be honest I see some of my friend's children as more 'family' then some actual blood-related relation's children and so I can kind of see where your friend is coming from. You leave your son with family normally and don't feel obliged to pay them because it is 'family'. I think your friend might be a bit upset if you showed up with the money in an envelope so I would agree with previous posters and get her something nice as a thank you or take her out somewhere instead. You really don't want to fall out with a friend because she feels close to your son and wants to help you out!

robpw2

im not normally one who would suggest going behind someone elses back but could you not give money to her oh and just not tell her , she thinks she is doing it out of kindness of heart and you are feeliing better too