OH "owes" money - Long post - sorry!

deja_vu_2

We get 40 a week CTC/WTC (not sure which one it is) My wages are £600 a month, CB and rest is maintainence for DD (which CTC/WTC dont take into account)

atush

I would set up a new acct for bills and food in your name. You don't want to be linked to him if he has debts he is not paying.

I recognize your story and can fig out who you are- hope your family don't read too many of the new threads. But it sounds to me like he is like your ex- you have a talent for choosing men who run up debt and then run. Ie you have a soft spot for guys who are rubbish with money. The fact that you are expecting his child is a problem as that ties you to him forever now. And he doens't seem willing to pay his share.

What will happen when baby is born? Will he support you when you are on maternity leave? Will he pay for the babies expenses? You will be even worse off then moneywise. You are going to have to sit him down and get this through to him. He needs to pay more upfront to you now, and you can't afford to lend him any more. I have a bad feeling about this all, and hope you can talk some sense into him.

bargainbetty

I disagree with Merlin. If you are bringing in money, and he is spending it on personal habits without regard for 'whose' money it is, then it isn't the OP who has a sharing problem.

Each person should pool enough of their income to cover all household costs (including baby bits) and if they have any left it's their own. If they borrowed the £400 from a friend, they'd have to pay it back, so why not a lover?

Perhaps you could work out your average food spend per month, and add his share to the £600 at the beginning of the month to avoid him accumulating that debt - and stop lending him money. He can learn on his own.

Good luck x

Judith_W

Deja Vu, I didn't mean that you were seeing the baby not as equal, it was just the way you were wondering about whether you were going to get money for the pram.

I think your OH needs a kick up the bum to sit down and think about finances asap. Maybe ask him to keep a spending diary/ print out bank CC statements and have a sit down the week before payday to agree what money needs to be put aside and where you can re-jig your finances. Now he is working he can't get into the habit of spending it all now he has money coming in.

Silent1

Sorry about your situation. I don't really have anything to add but this reminds me of the situation my girlfriend has had with her sister as she currently lives with her (we are moving into a house on the 1st Sept though). She is terrible with money and my girlfriend pays all the bills at the start of the month which leaves her with about £50 to last her a few weeks until her sister gets paid. Her sister once only gave her half of what she owed her and blew about £600 (the rest of her wages in a few days) on something and only said 'oops sorry I forgot' which left me fuming and how selfish she could be. This only happened once though as we told her it wasn't fair!

I hope you sort your situation out though! Put your foot down, you aren't being a 'cow' as you put it. You are both in it together, it's not just you.

deja_vu_2

atush wrote: »

I would set up a new acct for bills and food in your name. You don't want to be linked to him if he has debts he is not paying.

I recognize your story and can fig out who you are- hope your family don't read too many of the new threads. But it sounds to me like he is like your ex- you have a talent for choosing men who run up debt and then run. Ie you have a soft spot for guys who are rubbish with money. The fact that you are expecting his child is a problem as that ties you to him forever now. And he doens't seem willing to pay his share.

What will happen when baby is born? Will he support you when you are on maternity leave? Will he pay for the babies expenses? You will be even worse off then moneywise. You are going to have to sit him down and get this through to him. He needs to pay more upfront to you now, and you can't afford to lend him any more. I have a bad feeling about this all, and hope you can talk some sense into him.

Luckily only 1 family mamaber knows my other ID and they dont come on the debt board - the do go on the family board which is partly why i chose to post here lol

Maternity wise - My wages dont actually drop that much for the first 26 weeks - After that I will be going abck to work because we wont survive without the wage. (As i only work part time and already have child care in place im hoping it wont be too much upset for me and the baby)

bargainbetty wrote: »

I disagree with Merlin. If you are bringing in money, and he is spending it on personal habits without regard for 'whose' money it is, then it isn't the OP who has a sharing problem.

Each person should pool enough of their income to cover all household costs (including baby bits) and if they have any left it's their own. If they borrowed the £400 from a friend, they'd have to pay it back, so why not a lover?

Perhaps you could work out your average food spend per month, and add his share to the £600 at the beginning of the month to avoid him accumulating that debt - and stop lending him money. He can learn on his own.

Good luck x

this is exactly what I've told him - Thank you.

I've said he needs to pay the shopping upfront (have a rough idea how much it is a month) and if it is any less then i'll give him the "change" abck (as i will insist it goes Standing order so cant take it off following month) and if its any more than we'll half the difference and change the S.O

He's a pain when shopping - doesnt like to brand downgrade which is a pain - he's been eating tesco value tomato sauce out of a heinz bottle and hasnt noticed yet though! (luckily he isnt alway with me when i do a shop lol)

Judith_W wrote: »

Deja Vu, I didn't mean that you were seeing the baby not as equal, it was just the way you were wondering about whether you were going to get money for the pram.

I think your OH needs a kick up the bum to sit down and think about finances asap. Maybe ask him to keep a spending diary/ print out bank CC statements and have a sit down the week before payday to agree what money needs to be put aside and where you can re-jig your finances. Now he is working he can't get into the habit of spending it all now he has money coming in.

sorry i didnt meant that aimed at you - there was another post along the same sort of lines - just wanted to clarify it as mentioned - when ive asked about the pram etc he doesnt really answer - We chose the pram online together so he knows the cost. When we went to the shop i put a £50 deposit down (he didnt have any money) and the rest is due end of next month (which - at the moment i dont have - mum said if worst comes to worst she will buy it us as a present but i REALLy dont want that to happen) Mum's been buying things we need from carboots and markets and refuses to take money for them (she brought a lot for other grandkids too) but i dont want this - im grateful but it should be us buying things. I think OH is just waiting for either me or mum to buy the pram.

I'll try a spends diary - he doesnt pay for anything by card and always takes cash out of the ATM. Im opposite - i never have any cash on me - not even change for car parking - as i figure if its in my purse its more easy to spend.

as mentioned - he always has given me half the bills on time - its more the food shopping and what he's been borrowing (and obviously we need to sort the baby things out)

atush

He's a pain when shopping - doesnt like to brand downgrade which is a pain - he's been eating tesco value tomato sauce out of a heinz bottle and hasnt noticed yet though! (luckily he isnt alway with me when i do a shop lol)

Don't take him shopping. He sounds like a real mess. How did a sensible girl like you end up with him? All this scrimping and saving you are doing like a trooper, just for him to muck it up!!! If you don't get him to change his ways I have a bad feeling for the two of you.

Tell him point blank you want the shopping straight up on pay day with the rest. And tell him the baby is his and he is paying. At least half.

bunny999

From what you've said, in this relationship you are the adult and he is the child. It seems that he would rather spend his money down the pub with his mates and on boy toys. Why the hell did you decide to have a baby ? Did he want the baby ? It sounds as you have become more like a Mum than a partner. How old are you both ?

deja_vu_2

atush wrote: »

Don't take him shopping. He sounds like a real mess. How did a sensible girl like you end up with him? All this scrimping and saving you are doing like a trooper, just for him to muck it up!!! If you don't get him to change his ways I have a bad feeling for the two of you.

Tell him point blank you want the shopping straight up on pay day with the rest. And tell him the baby is his and he is paying. At least half.

I try not to take him shopping lol

bunny999 wrote: »

From what you've said, in this relationship you are the adult and he is the child. It seems that he would rather spend his money down the pub with his mates and on boy toys. Why the hell did you decide to have a baby ? Did he want the baby ? It sounds as you have become more like a Mum than a partner. How old are you both ?

both early 30's - The baby - both wanted one but not "now" however, I have health issues and was told to "get a move on" by the doctors - after the baby there is talk of being sterilised. so after a VERY long discussion we ended up trying - didnt think it would be as quick as it was to be honest! I've known OH since we was 5 - When we started dating initially he wasnt wasting his money, but he was earning and working more hours - often finishing after all the shops had closed so didnt have the opportunity to spend.

deja_vu_2

Thought I would give you an update - Tired to speak to him about money, He's decided he no longer wants to be with me (apprently this was decided last week but he kept quiet about it as he has no funds)

The phrase "better off without" keeps coming to mind