OH "owes" money - Long post - sorry!

deja_vu_2

Apologies for the new ID – I am a regular of MSE but family read so . . it’s kind of a rant but I need some advice (from your perspective) Although it isn’t officially a debt issue you guys would more than likely be the best people to answer me. – EDIT: I realise it’s a weird situation – the whole “owes” bit but I hope you get what I mean and I’m sorry the post is so long!

I work PT, have a DD and one on the way. All bills are in my name and we split the household bills 50/50 except things like – the car, mobiles etc Monthly, I receive £1066 – this is wages, maintenance for DD from ex, CB WTC and CTC. I pay 600 towards bills and then on top of that have things like my car, DD expenses, My mobile etc
OH brings home approx £1500. He gives me £600 towards the bills, pays his fare into work and his mobile. The above doesn’t include shopping – I’ll pay for the shopping and OH gives me the “half” he owes at the end of the month. I budget – daily on a spreadsheet – OH doesn’t even know whets in his bank. I only owe my parents (£900) which I pay back monthly – no set amount just what I can afford and they don’t mind waiting as they know they will get it back. OH has debts – isn’t paying towards them, insists they are statue barred but won’t send the letters.

OH got paid last week, I got paid yesterday. He gave me £600 for the bills – nothing towards the food shopping he owes (and the money I had to lend him last month – in total comes to £400 approx) He now has under £50 to last him the whole month and I’m fuming. We “was” meant to be going away this weekend – I’ve cancelled the whole thing – He wanted me to pay for everything and for him to pay it back when he next gets paid (bear in mind he already owes me £400) and then he has his share of the bills to pay. Every month it’s the same – he has to borrow off me to live – The things he buys aren’t essential – money for lads nights out, Weekly magazines at £5 a pop etc

I’ve told him I’m not lending him anymore and he must pay me back what he owes at next pay day. We have plenty of food in so there’s no real reason for us to go and do a “big” shop – we just need fresh things – bread/milk so his half of the shopping bill won’t go up this month. I’ve told him that he is going to have to start giving me £XX at the beginning of the month to cover his food bills so that he doesn’t keep “owing” money. I’m 4 month pregnant and whilst I don’t need to buy EVERYTHING again – I do need to buy a new pram, clothes etc and panicking we can’t afford these. I’ve asked OH if he is paying towards the pram etc and he never really answers me. He knows we obviously need things but because he sees me as “having money” he expects me to fund it.

I’m so strict with money but it’s because ex got in £35k worth of debt and I’ve been there counting pennies to buy some bread so we can have beans on toast for dinner – I finally got sorted before I met OH and now it just seems like I’m going back to square one. I hate not being able to buy DD things because OH “owes” me his side of the bills. I know this is VERY extreme but I am seriously considering asking him to move out because I really can’t cope heading into debt again with 2 kids - It isn’t just money that’s caused this thought but the main bit is money. Whether it is hormones that’s making me that extreme I don’t know.

I feel on one side like I’m being a complete cow – on the other hand, I’m looking out for my 2 kids. What do I do? Refuse to lend any money, watch him struggle and see it turn into arguments, ask him to go and watch for the arguments, or keep lending and get myself into trouble?

sandraroffey

where is the rest of his money going??? he has to pay his way. its like he is the lodger!!!!! and the more you keep footing the bills without him putting anything towards it, the more he will keep letting you. its also very unfair leaving you with all the worry.

i would sort this out now, and tell him he has to give you more, on payday and you wont lend him any more. you need to know where his money is going as well. thats a lot gone spent already and nothing to show for it, and cant even pay you!!!! kwhen you dont know if/when he is going to apy money over, how on earth can you budget???

you can do it.

DS4215

How about setting up a joint account for bills (and maybe another for food) that you both put in your share (and a little bit over) on payday as a standing order. That way he puts his money into the pot and gets to spend whatever is left...

deja_vu_2

sandraroffey wrote: »

where is the rest of his money going??? he has to pay his way. its like he is the lodger!!!!! and the more you keep footing the bills without him putting anything towards it, the more he will keep letting you. its also very unfair leaving you with all the worry.

i would sort this out now, and tell him he has to give you more, on payday and you wont lend him any more. you need to know where his money is going as well. thats a lot gone spent already and nothing to show for it, and cant even pay you!!!! kwhen you dont know if/when he is going to apy money over, how on earth can you budget???

you can do it.

I dont know what he does with his money - He smokes and goes out weekly drinking (i do netiher) so assume most of it goes there. He buys (alot) of cr*p - things he doesnt need but buys. I was always so so strict with ex (If he spent £5 i demanded to know what he had brought to check he wasnt wasting it - but we had a joint account!) so figure as long as (current) OH was paying bills rest of his money has nothing to do with me

I budget without what he "owes" - I do inc the £600 towards the bills though. when he pays me the £400 it's going straight on baby things (but again - i dont know if he is meant to / even will give me half towards them)

DS4215 wrote: »

How about setting up a joint account for bills (and maybe another for food) that you both put in your share (and a little bit over) on payday as a standing order. That way he puts his money into the pot and gets to spend whatever is left...

not a chance in hell I had a joint account with ex and as we was financially linked, ex dragged my credit score really down. I swore I'd never do it again. I have 2 accounts - 1 for bills (with a chq book) and one for my personal use (just a bog standard step account). He has a s.o into the Bills account and I transfer (its same bank) the money over. only thing that doesnt get paid out of there is shopping - which comes out of my account and i give OH the reciept so he knows what we have spent (I check amount thats come out of my bank and update the spreadsheet i have by £XX depending on what OH "owes")

robpw2

Is this a relationship or a bussiness partnership? , Im sorry but how long have you been together? i assumed relationshops were about sharing the burdens but also sharing what you had.

I think money is one of the biggest relationship killers and if you do not sort something out your going to end up the same .
I think perhaps you both need to sit down and talk about what the best way forward is .. Maybe it may be worth setting up a joint account for wages to go into and then you agree a montly amount for you both to keep to yourselves once the bills are paid and food etc is paid ,

Is it his baby ... Because you say i am pregnant and then say i need to buy , imo No your a couple you both need to buy .

olivia84

yea - i second the joint account! see if he'll agree to his wages being paid into a joint account or your account and you deal with the money and give him pocket money. i have lived with my partner for 15 years and we have always had joint money. my partner earns twice as much as me and even he totally agrees with this - we both work full time and run and live in the house so we both have equal responsibility for it regardless of how different our earnings are. although i understand that there are people who like their independence and feel that their money is their business and theirs alone, i believe if you live together, both work etc (i know you work part time but you have 2 kids to look after and a house to run) then everything should be shared.

if it's hassle to change bank details for work would he consider giving you access to his online banking and you could take what you need as soon as it is paid in and leave him the rest to do as he pleases with? not ideal i know, but at least you would get what you need when you need it.

deja_vu_2

robpw2 wrote: »

Is this a relationship or a bussiness partnership? , Im sorry but how long have you been together? i assumed relationshops were about sharing the burdens but also sharing what you had.

I think money is one of the biggest relationship killers and if you do not sort something out your going to end up the same .
I think perhaps you both need to sit down and talk about what the best way forward is .. Maybe it may be worth setting up a joint account for wages to go into and then you agree a montly amount for you both to keep to yourselves once the bills are paid and food etc is paid ,

Is it his baby ... Because you say i am pregnant and then say i need to buy , imo No your a couple you both need to buy .

Been together over 2 years now - only lived together a year - When he first moved in he had a job, His contract was terminated and I supported him whilsty he was looking for a job, he's only been earning again past 2 months.

I thought i had changed it all to "we" - I still have some of DD's baby things left so obviously dont need to purchase those, thats what i meant

olivia84 wrote: »

yea - i second the joint account! see if he'll agree to his wages being paid into a joint account or your account and you deal with the money and give him pocket money. i have lived with my partner for 15 years and we have always had joint money. my partner earns twice as much as me and even he totally agrees with this - we both work full time and run and live in the house so we both have equal responsibility for it regardless of how different our earnings are. although i understand that there are people who like their independence and feel that their money is their business and theirs alone, i believe if you live together, both work etc (i know you work part time but you have 2 kids to look after and a house to run) then everything should be shared.

if it's hassle to change bank details for work would he consider giving you access to his online banking and you could take what you need as soon as it is paid in and leave him the rest to do as he pleases with? not ideal i know, but at least you would get what you need when you need it.

But, from having this in the past, I dont want anyone to have access to "my" wages - Ex wiped our bank account when we broke up and left me and DD struggling. Whilst I dont believe OH would do this - i didnt think ex would either. Its not about sharing thats the issue it's more of a security blanket type of thing. If anything DOES happen then I know hand on heart I can support me and the kids. In all honesty i dont think ex will allow me access to his banking - He stashes any letters - this is how I found out about his debts, I went into our food cupboard to give the cans a "use by date" check and found he had shoved letters at the back of it - Although he swears they arent enforceable (but i dont have proof)

He has ALWAYS paid his half of the bills on time - It's just the shopping and the lending that he hasnt paid

Judith_W

It is worrying that despite a surplus of say £1000 between you each month you (as a coupe) don't seem to be planning appropriately or have any savings that can be used for ad hoc expenses. Maybe the baby being on the way would be a good opportunity to sit down with him and go over potential costs. It is no more your baby that his and he MUST be responsible for it too!

I would suggest a few more DDs might help sort things out and he seems the sort just to spend because it is 'there'. Perhaps £200 per month into a savings account, certainly a few hundred to you for the shopping, if you don't spend it, it goes towards savings?

In my marriage we have a set up of everything is joint money (wouldn't need to be a joint a/c - I understand your concerns), and then a set amount is 'pocket money'.

Your OH needs to understand that your marriage is a partnership and there will presumably be big childcare costs on the horizon so if he was to get used to spending less NOW, it would help in the LT.

Judith_W

Just another thought about savings, if you want financial security, how about some of the LT savings in an ISA. This would be in your name only (or his), so you could split the savings then if you ever had to make it on your own you would have them.

deja_vu_2

Judith_W wrote: »

It is worrying that despite a surplus of say £1000 between you each month you (as a coupe) don't seem to be planning appropriately or have any savings that can be used for ad hoc expenses. Maybe the baby being on the way would be a good opportunity to sit down with him and go over potential costs. It is no more your baby that his and he MUST be responsible for it too!

I would suggest a few more DDs might help sort things out and he seems the sort just to spend because it is 'there'. Perhaps £200 per month into a savings account, certainly a few hundred to you for the shopping, if you don't spend it, it goes towards savings?

In my marriage we have a set up of everything is joint money (wouldn't need to be a joint a/c - I understand your concerns), and then a set amount is 'pocket money'.

Your OH needs to understand that your marriage is a partnership and there will presumably be big childcare costs on the horizon so if he was to get used to spending less NOW, it would help in the LT.

I opened an ISA in April but havent been able to put anything in it - OH usually gets a whack of money from me to cover his costs (which i've obviously stopped now) but my main concern is paying my dad back right now - then the ISA. When i set it up I wanted to put £400 a month in it (giving me just under the max for the year) but obviously, OH is getting the £400 a month atm! He was on about opening an ISA - I know he switched banks but it hasnt happened yet. I wasnt in the situation before to save money so relied on dad when i needed something - which is why i now owe him

I know the baby is equally ours and i never intended for it to sound otherwise - I was more on about the things I/we already own (which we're DD's)

Whilst joint money might seem the answer - I dont see it working for us. (My mum and dad are the same - neither have a joint account, both have seperate accounts - Dad pays all bills except phone bill, which mum covers) I was brought up that you keep money seperate and its stuck (esp given past exerience with ex) My dad would never dream of opening my mums purse and taking anything out of it (even if it was £1!) he always takes the purse to my mum and vice versa

Its funny you mentioned child care - I actually spoke to him this morning about it. DD qualifies for reduced rate (shes nursery age so 15 hours is "free") and he (again) didnt answer and said we'd "sort it" nearer the time

merlin68

If you don't trust someone then there's no point to a relationship. You cannot owe each other money, it's just going to destroy any feelings and eat away at you. Are you sure your entitled to WTC on that joint income?
All money should be pooled and shared. a partnership isn't about about what is mine and what is yours.