potential split, not enough income

podperson

So when you met him he was married, he said he'd left her but he hadn't and going off your dates it sounds like he got her pregnant either while he was also with you or very very close before so it's not like they weren't still having an intimate relationship. And now he won't properly introduce you to his family or his children and he spends holidays with his ex playing 'happy families'. I'm sorry hun but this would be raising the biggest alarm bells ever with me!

Yes I would assume that there was some bad feelings with his ex at the start but after 2 years then he needs to be putting his foot down and saying that he's in a relationship with you now and they need to accept it. His ex can threaten to 'withhold' the children all she likes (if that's in fact what she's doing and not an excuse) but he can just got to court and get official access. The fact that he isn't doing anything about the situation implies to me that either he's hiding something - ie he might not have even told his family he's still with you - or he's a rather spineless person who is happy just to let things coast along but at the expense of your feelings.

You say you've given him until November - in my opinion that is way too long for him to make what should be a very simple decision after you've been together this long! I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think he is relying on the fact that you aren't standing up to him on this x

atush

Excellent take on this from Pod, but whatever you do- don't go near Kevin!

I understand what you are saying and that you love him. but I still don't think he really loves you back, as he is dragging his feet. Even if he can't divorce today, he can get legal orders in place for maintenence and custody. He may need you, and he may want you. But he doens't love you if he can't even take your feelings into acct.

And the fact that you aren't even on friendly terms with his parents and aren't accepted by them is a red flag for me.

And I find it really hard to believe there is no way your mom can put you up, even with 2 small brothers in the house. I'd help any child of mine, even as an adult who made a few bad life choices.

It seems like me you have steeled yourself to the breakup and know it is coming. So you need to get things going. Try to get his name on bills/contracts for where you are now. Show him your SOA and how far behind you are falling and ask him to pay more. So at least if and when you do split things wont be worse than they are today.

Doingmybest2bgoodhurrah

Hello, like an earlier poster said, I don't post much these days either but I just felt I had to say hi & send you a hug.

For what its worth, I'm going to chip in with my two penneth worth. I really do think you deserve better. He should consider himself lucky you didn't send him on his way when you found out he'd lied to you at the beginning.

I've had a couple of times in my life when I've been treated terribly badly but just let it continue because I thought I loved them or because I was scared of losing them. Never again. People who love you don't treat you like this. Granted he's scared of losing access to his children, but as others have said before me, there are procedures he can go through to retain his access.

If I ever feel I'm being poohed on (whatever the circumstances) on I try to imagine what I would say to my little sister if it were happening to her. Try it, it works, you get good advice!

You sound like a lovely person to me and you deserve better, far better. We are only here once and life is too short to spend it in limbo. Sort it by November? That's nearly half a year, time you'll never get back.

I really do wish you all the very best xxx

natsplatnat

Tuppence worth from me too - having read up to date, it does sound more and more like he is having and eating his cake! Living 2 lives almost! Cat with the cream and all the other 'golden oldie' cliche captions I can come out with!

I agree that life is too short, especially to spend it in the shadows (especially of an ex!!) This is your life - it is important that you are happy!

Find out as much information as you can in the next few weeks regarding any benefits or support available to you if you were to split - and remember, you are your number one concern!

Nats x

piptom&AndyPandy

Hi Blondie
I do sympathise, I fell for someone and had a rocky start and I kept thinking he's a 'good guy' and 'just needed time'. I worked and worked at it, but eventually had to give up and move on. I do feel this is something you will have to make a decision on irrelevant of information. I wouldn't agree to anything other than looking out for yourself. He's not looking out for you. If he's close to his parents she should back in with them and give you time to breathe and make a decision. It really isn't acceptable that you don't engage with his parents nor that you're alone all Christmas - is he with them every Christmas? Surely if sep. then it would need to alternate? How was his mum when you met? Tbh I think you've been very understanding, but you're taking a lot on "he says she will...." unless she's holding out hope of reconcilliation then he's being unfair to everyone involved. I wish you strength and courage as I thinhk you'll need it. Meanwhile start to do your best to protect yourself financially a house share someone advertising for a flatmate might work for you if he won't budge.

XXXX

dancingfairy

Personally I think he's playing you I think you need to start taking control of your finances and getting yourself in the best possible place. Either then hopefully things will work out and you'll be in a better place financially anyway or you'll split up but again you'll be in a better place financially and emotionally enough to handle it.
I'd post up a Statement of affairs and try and pay down as much debt as you can now and work out exactly what the finances would be like if you did split - ie what benefits would you get, could you do a dmp etc? if you did struglle with any joint debts ie council tax then they would go after him as well.
What have your family got to say about things? are they able to support you emotionally even if not in a practical way/financial way?
Best of Luck
df