potential split, not enough income

blondie1982_2

Hello

Well I have never met his dad and I have only seen his mum a handful of times. I have never been to their house, not even ever been out for dinner with them. The most I have spent with his mum is about 45 minutes when the 3 of us went for a drink about a year ago.

Divorce proceedings have not started yet.. We have been together 2.5 years and I have said that I cannot go through another christmas like the last ones, so if there is no hope of anything changing my November perhaps we have to just accept we want different things.

He knows he has rights when it comes to his kids, but he says he doesnt want to rush things. Iv heard every excuse in the book. The kids are 2, 4 and 6. So still very young.

He basically has 2 lives and they both do not mix ever.

He sees the kids about 3 evenings a week and all day Saturday, sometimes more then 3 evenings, depending on his work.

I know he should always put them first, but I always always come last over everyone.

Last christmas he wasnt working, so I even bought all the kids their christmas presents (and wrapped them) and I didnt get to see him until gone 9 christmas evening.

I might sound selfish, but I feel pushed out all the time, it is like I do not exist. Sometimes I wonder if his family even know he is still with me, I also wonder if him and his wife are reconciling or something.

I want him to be proud that he is with me, not hide me away like I am nothing.

tigermoon

Oh blondie, you poor thing. I don't have any real ideas for the finances other than what has been said above about the soa calculator and clearing as much as you can but I just wanted to send you some moral support and a virtual hug.

It's not selfish of you to expect more and not to be hidden away, 2.5 years should be long enough in a relationship for it not to be behind closed doors. Have you told your partner that you are feeling like you can't continue like this? Has he said he'll do anything about it before November, or is that just your own deadline? Have been through something not entirely dissimilar myself and it is awful I really feel for you. All I can suggest is to make sure he knows exactly how you feel about the situation, and keep reminding him as well - not in an argumentative way, just as in this is something that is really important to you. It's your life after all.

Take care xx

atush

I agree his kids come first, but lets fact it- they have been seperted for 2.5 years? He is still paying for them? You should take a place in his life above his ex wife and equal to his parents. IT is well out of order for him to not introduce you to the children after this amt of time- 6 months is reasonable, 1 yr is acceptible. Unless you are a criminal, there should be no reason for them not to meet you now.

HE needs to get down to the CAB and get advice on his rights and options re solicitors. He needs IMMEDIATELY to get the maintnenance and the custody arrangements in writing. He needs to file for divorce soon. His ex appears to be hanging on so she doesn't have to work/can control his life by making sure you are left out of it. Perhaps she is doing this to force you to leave him hoping he will go back?

If he won't do at leat the maintenence and custody then you know the writing is on the wall, get the paperwork to add his name to the bills. So all debts are shared.

While I am happy to hear a father who loves his kids, to ask you wait more than 2.5 years to be in his life fully is not a person who loves you at all.

blondie1982_2

thank you xxx

I have spoken to him over and over and he just says if i love him like I say I would be patiant and it will be worth it in then end.

He has already said he cannot see anything changing by November, he said things will only maybe change once he is divorced.

We tried to talk, but he gets so mad and upset and I end up feeling bad. He is not easy to talk to, he likes to pretend nothing is wrong and hope it will go away.

Finances do not help either, as it just make the pressure even worse.

Thank you for your nice words, sometimes I feel like I am wrong for how I am feeling.

xx

blondie1982_2

He moved out of the marital home 2 years ago in October this year. It is slightly complicated as for the first 6 months he was lying to me and told me he wasnt living with her and she had left, but he was living with her, she thought he wasnt seeing me anymore and I thought the same about her.

tigermoon

blondie1982 wrote: »

thank you xxx

I have spoken to him over and over and he just says if i love him like I say I would be patiant and it will be worth it in then end.

He has already said he cannot see anything changing by November, he said things will only maybe change once he is divorced.

We tried to talk, but he gets so mad and upset and I end up feeling bad. He is not easy to talk to, he likes to pretend nothing is wrong and hope it will go away.

Finances do not help either, as it just make the pressure even worse.

Thank you for your nice words, sometimes I feel like I am wrong for how I am feeling.

xx

Aww, blondie, I know how you feel, I really do. It's not easy.

Taking a step back from it, it looks like he is saying to you that he wants you to wait till he's divorced but he's not doing anything to move the divorce forward so you just have to wait in limbo? It's not right, it really isn't, he is taking the easy way out (avoiding the confrontation with his kids and ex) and trampling all over your feelings to do it. It might come across as I am being harsh and I don't mean to be, I really don't, but for now where is the incentive for him to change? You are doing everything you can here, he has to put the effort into the relationship too.

It is horrible to have the conversation with him, especially if he gets mad and upset but you have just as much right to your feelings as he does, his ex does and his kids do. You deserve better and you need to be treated with respect. What happens when the kids are older and they want to come and stay over at dad's? Are you going to hide your things and move out?

I'm really sorry if I sound like I'm giving you a hard time, I don't mean to be awful. I've been there and I just wanted to give you an outsiders perspective. Are you close to your own family? Do they know about the situtuation? I ended up finishing with my OH and moved in with my parents for 6 months. I was very lucky that he eventually came to his senses and realised what he was about to lose. Not easy times though, I really don't envy you.

On the money front, have you worked out what financial position you will be in in November with regards to family debt etc? What about you contacting one of the free debt charities? One of the DFW experts on here would be able to advise you more on that.

Try not to feel guilty for how you feel, you have as much rights as anyone.
xx

atush

So he was sleeping with you both for 6 months? Why do you think he isn't still? ehy els ewont he file for divorce?

You have shown him how much you love him by 1- not kicking him to the curb when you found out, 2- by waiting 2 years after finding out.

HE doesn't love you if he is not willing to file- he doesn't need to wait for her to file! He needs to file now, and get an order for maintenance and custody in writing. Then she can't withold the children from him for introducing you. There is no reason except that he doesn't want to divorce her for not moving on this in the last 2 years. No reason at all, except he doesn't want to. What you need to ask him (and yourself) is why he won't file as there is no reason on earth why he can't.

She is trying to punish you for 'stealing' her man. Except you didn't know you were stealing him. This is why she is refusing permission for you to meet them. This happened with my friend (who husband left her for his mistress) and she initially refused him to be able to introduce her to their kids. But the court said after a time (some months but no more than 6) she had to let the kids meet her. So the courts will do the same with you and he need not fear.

It sounds more and more to me like you need to leave him. He doens't love you, and will probably leave you for someone younger after you have kids with him as he did with her. Then what sort of situation will you be in?

And then you can write to his ex and explain you had no idea he was a married man when you met him. Maybe she can use his lying in her settlement. If they ever divorce.

If you do leave him, you will have to take him to small claims court to get your share of what he owes off him. Never put someone else's bills in your name- always make them joint.

blondie1982_2

Thank you, I dont think you are giving me a hard time, honestly I agree with everything you say.

My mum knows the situation, I cant move back in there is it does end and there literally is no room as 2 of my little brothers still live at home.

His dad is ill with Cancer and he has just started a very stressful new job, so he makes me feel like I am not supporting him when I try and talk about things.

He is not a bad person, he is just never going to put me first I dont think. He says now he is working the divorce can start, but he says they have to wait until october as apparently he has to have been seperated from her (I.e moved out of marital home) for at least 2 years.

Trouble is I never know when he is just fobbing me off as trust me I have heard every excuse going:

No money to divorce
Scared she will turn kids against him
Hes left her alone with 3 young kids and wants to wait until she is ready
His kids do not want to meet me
Hes not ready
She has threatened to move back up north if I have anything to do with them, then he would never see them
She has threatened to say he is violent so the court will only allow supervised access
Not the right time as his dad is poorly and he cant deal with the pressure of this too.

There is probably 10 more I could say..

RAS

Hi

There are a number of ways to divorce, unreasonable behaviour grounds, any time, by mutual consent after 2 years or without the other party's consent after 5 years. I doubt if he would get away with unreasonable behaviour (she would) but will she agree to the split on mutual grounds after 2 years?

blondie1982_2

I am being completely honest here, please do not judge me.

We were both married when we met, i left my husband to be with him, he told me he had left his wife too, but hadnt, not until over 6 months later.

We were seeing eachother for a bit behind their backs so I am not blameless in the slightest. I fell in love with him though, so nothing else seemed to matter.

I think he does love me and I dont think he would run off with someone else, me and his wife are the same age, he is a year older. It wasnt like she was an old hag or anything and he ran off with a younger model. He had only ever been with her and me, no one else.

apologies for turning this into a relationship councelling session, I know it is meant to be about finances, but they are kind of connected.