How to help a friend with a drug problem

katiesmummy

I'm so worried about my friend at the moment and I don't know what to do to help her.

A little bit of back story:

She has had a 'relationship' with cocaine on and off I think since she was a teenager- she had a traumatic childhood and suffers from bi-polar disorder as well.

She stopped taking cocaine for quite a while when she met her now ex-partner, but started taking it again after she found out he'd cheated on her with another one of her friends- she said it made her feel better about herself and helped her forget.

Now she's doing it all the time. Her son (10) is living with his grandparents after they found out she was doing drugs again- I told them about it but she isn't aware of that. Social services are also involved.

I have been going over there after work every day to make sure she's ok, try and get her to eat and generally try and see if I can help in any way but its not doing any good at all. She said she doesn't want to live anymore, he son is better off without her, she's a crap mum etc etc. I told her that she's not in a crap mum, she's in a really dark place and she can't get out at the moment and needs help to do it.

I know she doesn't mean it when she says her son is better off without her- they adore each other and have a fantastic relationship.

I think she's given up and other than shaking her hard and telling her to sort her life out (which I know probably wouldn't work but I was sorely tempted last night) I don't know what else to do.

I refuse to give up on her as she's not a bad person, she's let life get on top of her and now just can't see the wood for the trees.

Has anyone else been in this situation with a friend/family member that can offer advice?

I know its a bit long-winded so thank you for reading.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Honestly, you really want to know the answer?


Back off. Let her screw up, run out of money, miss her son, hate herself and everything that is happening to her. Don't make her eat, don't help her with clothes, food or sympathy. Don't respond to emotional statements, threats or hints at self harm, anything that could make you feel sorry for her.

Anything else helps her convince herself that staying on it is feasible.


If she doesn't want to stop, she won't. The very most you could do is leave her a piece of paper with the details of the local drug project, but I dare say that social services have already said to her that there is help out there.


In any case, coke doesn't help people forget. It just makes them a bit buzzy and wired, and with an involuntary constant sniff.

If it's actually crack that she's doing - with or without the addition of speedballing or crystal meth - then you have even more grounds to keep back.

Nicki

Why are you assuming that all the behaviours you are describing are a consequence of drug use, and not symptoms of being in the downward swing of a bi-polar episode?

Personally, I think jojo's advice is brutal, and if you care about her, maybe see if she will see her doctor with you supporting her, and maybe get a CPN or a psychiatrist on board to medicate and support her appropriately. You may find once the bipolar is stabilized that the drug use stops or diminishes considerably.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Nicki wrote: »

Why are you assuming that all the behaviours you are describing are a consequence of drug use, and not symptoms of being in the downward swing of a bi-polar episode?

Personally, I think jojo's advice is brutal, and if you care about her, maybe see if she will see her doctor with you supporting her, and maybe get a CPN or a psychiatrist on board to medicate and support her appropriately. You may find once the bipolar is stabilized that the drug use stops or diminishes considerably.

Brutal? Possibly. Based upon experience? Definitely.


Drug use is more commonly associated with the manic phase of Bipolar Affective Disorder. In view of the fact that the person concerned has had her child removed due to her addiction and social services are involved, it is likely she would already have been assessed to see whether she was originally in a manic phase and a danger to herself or her son and compelled to receive treatment to stabilise her if that were the case. It really does sound more like the drugs are the problem, as plenty of people with bipolar never touch street drugs.

In any case, protecting her from the consequences of not seeking medical assistance, by feeding her, indulging her complaints, being there for her and giving her the security that 'it doesn't matter if I spend all my money on drugs, Katiesmummy will be around later tonight and I can get something off her' or 'I don't need to have medication, Katiesmummy is still here and she hasn't said anything'.


I hope she does decide to seek help, but it is not within Katiesmummy's power to do that for her, and the last thing anyone needs is to find themself manipulated, drained and used by someone who is using them for the purposes of scoring, wants to absolve responsibility for their own life and mistakes and has no intention of doing anything to resolve the situation herself.

kezzygirl

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Brutal? Possibly. Based upon experience? Definitely.


Drug use is more commonly associated with the manic phase of Bipolar Affective Disorder. In view of the fact that the person concerned has had her child removed due to her addiction and social services are involved, it is likely she would already have been assessed to see whether she was originally in a manic phase and a danger to herself or her son and compelled to receive treatment to stabilise her if that were the case. It really does sound more like the drugs are the problem, as plenty of people with bipolar never touch street drugs.

In any case, protecting her from the consequences of not seeking medical assistance, by feeding her, indulging her complaints, being there for her and giving her the security that 'it doesn't matter if I spend all my money on drugs, Katiesmummy will be around later tonight and I can get something off her' or 'I don't need to have medication, Katiesmummy is still here and she hasn't said anything'.


I hope she does decide to seek help, but it is not within Katiesmummy's power to do that for her, and the last thing anyone needs is to find themself manipulated, drained and used by someone who is using them for the purposes of scoring, wants to absolve responsibility for their own life and mistakes and has no intention of doing anything to resolve the situation herself.

Totally agree.Let her ruin it for herself,drug users hardly ever see the light until they are at rock bottom.
Interesting though-using drugs and bipolar....i wonder which came first?

j.e.j.

I've got no expert knowledge about cocaine addiction, but I'd say be careful what you're taking on, KatiesMummy. A well-known ex-drug user actually said "there's no such thing as a nice drug addict", - they will do what it takes to get their next fix, the drugs have such a hold on them. That person needs to find the will and the volition to decide for themselves to give the stuff up. All you can do really is make sure she's got access to the right help, should she decide she wants to turn her life around.

kathy206

KatiesMummythe simple answer, is you can't help her. The best thing to do is just be there for her but please, please be careful what you are taking on. She will get help when she wants to get help and as others have said, while ever you are forcing her to eat, cooking for her and doing for her she has no reason to give the drugs up. I have witnessed this with a family member and quite honestly drug addicts are the most selfish, manipulative people going, who will say anything to their loved ones to make them feel sorry for them. You sound like a lovely person, please do not get dragged down by your friend's addiction, which is her problem, not yours.

rachbc

You can't help her - she's the only who can change the course her life is taking - when she is ready to make that decision you can support her, help her engage with professional support and so on but you can't make the decision for her.

ailuro2

Ask her to organise an appointment to have her medication checked out for her Bipolar disorder. Give her a week to get it done. If she doesn't do it tell her you love her but refuse to stand by and watch someone you love lose their life to drugs. Then don't contact her till she's clean.

Of course in the meantime it would be good of you to offer to take her son out for little trips here and there to give the grandparents a bit of time to themselves. Or even visiting them and letting them know they're not the only ones who care would be good.

Barneysmom

I don't subscribe to the principal that you can't help an addict till they want to be helped, it's a cop-out.

If you want to help your friend try being a bit tougher on her.
Tell her she's got to stop if she wants her son back. Tell her that coke is no replacement for a loving child.

Stop feeding her and pandering to her, don't make it easy for her to wallow.
Make sure she's taking her bi-polar meds but for the rest let her dig herself out.

flutterby_lil

Is her psychiatrist aware of her drug use? I am presuming she has one here.....can you contact your local mental health service and let them know your concerns, or if she is not currently involved with them and is stable on her medication (in their eyes) ring the crisis team.

I agree with the majority though that you are a lovely friend but she needs to help herself.

Good luck to her.