Compulsive shopper...can't cope

ellienellie

The compulsive shopping is like a high... the self harm, is I guess a release of sorts, from the guilt.

RAS

Ok

So if you buy more, are you more likely to self-harm?

ellienellie

yeah, I would say so

Hovel_lady

Hello, just been catching up with this.
So sorry life is hard for you at the moment. You're not a failure, just under a lot of stress and spending is your way out. Everyone has different ways of coping. I've also spent way too much money to make myself feel better. We now owe £21K. That's not all down to me but some of it is and I feel quite embarrassed about it sometimes. But the past is gone and we're now dealing with the debts and more importantly have stopped spending.
I know this is a board for debt issues but the self harming needs dealing with too. In the past (not very recent some of it) it's been a way for me to deal with the stuff in my head. I know how hard it is to stop so I won't tell you just to stop. It's not that easy is it? Just make sure you take care of yourself. Does your husband know? My OH has been so helpful to me, hope yours is.
Sending lots of (((hugs))).

ellienellie

Hovel_lady wrote: »

Hello, just been catching up with this.
So sorry life is hard for you at the moment. You're not a failure, just under a lot of stress and spending is your way out. Everyone has different ways of coping. I've also spent way too much money to make myself feel better. We now owe £21K. That's not all down to me but some of it is and I feel quite embarrassed about it sometimes. But the past is gone and we're now dealing with the debts and more importantly have stopped spending.
I know this is a board for debt issues but the self harming needs dealing with too. In the past (not very recent some of it) it's been a way for me to deal with the stuff in my head. I know how hard it is to stop so I won't tell you just to stop. It's not that easy is it? Just make sure you take care of yourself. Does your husband know? My OH has been so helpful to me, hope yours is.
Sending lots of (((hugs))).

Thanks so much... I mean that. It really helps when someone else understands, has gone through it and has gotten through it.
I just wish I could stop, I really don't understand why I do what I do.. and I hate myself for being this way and making my husband so stressed and upset.
I keep saying to myself (and my husband) that's it, no more. And then I go and do it again I let him down.
He has been brilliant despite everything, I know I am very lucky. God knows how he manages to be so supportive, I wouldn't blame him if he just gave up on me.
Can I ask how you quit?

Hovel_lady

ellienellie wrote: »

Thanks so much... I mean that. It really helps when someone else understands, has gone through it and has gotten through it.
I just wish I could stop, I really don't understand why I do what I do.. and I hate myself for being this way and making my husband so stressed and upset.
I keep saying to myself (and my husband) that's it, no more. And then I go and do it again I let him down.
He has been brilliant despite everything, I know I am very lucky. God knows how he manages to be so supportive, I wouldn't blame him if he just gave up on me.
Can I ask how you quit?

I (with my OH's support) started looking at it differently. I gave myself permission to self-harm if I really needed to. No guilt, no drama and made sure I looked after myself. Asked OH for help afterwards if I needed it.
Slowly, it became less tabboo. I didn't need to hide it and feel bad. It was just the way I coped.
Keeping it hidden and feeling guilty doesn't help. Slowly I did it less and less. Found other ways of dealing with the stuff in my head. I'd been doing it for years so it wasn't a quick fix. I still very rarely do it but I don't worry about it.
You will be able to stop. Talk to your husband. Tell him what I did. It might be helpful to you both.
(((Hugs))

ellienellie

Hovel_lady wrote: »

I (with my OH's support) started looking at it differently. I gave myself permission to self-harm if I really needed to. No guilt, no drama and made sure I looked after myself. Asked OH for help afterwards if I needed it.
Slowly, it became less tabboo. I didn't need to hide it and feel bad. It was just the way I coped.
Keeping it hidden and feeling guilty doesn't help. Slowly I did it less and less. Found other ways of dealing with the stuff in my head. I'd been doing it for years so it wasn't a quick fix. I still very rarely do it but I don't worry about it.
You will be able to stop. Talk to your husband. Tell him what I did. It might be helpful to you both.
(((Hugs))

Thank you. To speak to someone else who understands is really good.
The thing is, I really don't care what happens to me. In any sense. I'm just so worried and upset about the financial mess I've put my husband into. It's all my fault, and I hate myself for it and I can't stop..
How did you manage to stop spending?
I can't see any way out right now

MrsTUS

ellienellie wrote: »

Thank you. To speak to someone else who understands is really good.
The thing is, I really don't care what happens to me. In any sense. I'm just so worried and upset about the financial mess I've put my husband into. It's all my fault, and I hate myself for it and I can't stop..
How did you manage to stop spending?
I can't see any way out right now

I'm sorry, I don't want to appear insenstive, I really don't - but statements such as "The thing is, I really don't care what happens to me" is a shocking attitude to have - at the end of the day, it's just money. Noone has died or is going to die. The self-harming on the other-hand.... I don't think I really need to go in what the repercussions of that could be. I find it very hard to accept that any parent - especially of a baby - didn't care what happened to them.. I suffer from terrible anxiety and panic attacks and one of my absolute worst nightmares is something happening to me that means I don't get to see my children any more... I'm not trying to downplay your situation, or trying to say you aren't justified to feel the way you do etc - given that you're clearly suffering from depression - but I dunno, you have a baby daughter, how can you NOT care? I guess I'm just trying the blunt tactic, rather than the sympathetic route - though you definitely do have my sympathy/empathy with this mess and also my admiration for being able to admit all of this. At the end of the day, your baby daughter is what you need to keep in mind and sight throughout all of this. The money isn't important, not one tiny iota and I don't care if anyone else says differently, you need to stay healthy for that little girl.

Hovel_lady

I looked at WHY I was spending money. You need to work out what triggers the urge to spend money. Do you have any idea? It might seem indulgent doing lots of thinking but do it anyway. Get a piece of paper, write down whatever comes into your head. Is there anyone you can talk to apart from your husband?
Please stop feeling bad about all this, you're trying to sort it out now. There absolutely is a way out and it WILL get better. Believe me, I've been there.
Your husband loves you and wants to help. Let him. I found it really hard to let my OH help but it's the best thing I did.
Remember - you're stronger together.
Sort out a plan for dealing with it together. Whatever you need to do is OK.
I have a diary on here (The Hovel diary - yeah very original) do drop in and let me know how you are. I will be thinking of you, you're not alone xxx

ellienellie

MrsTUS wrote: »

I'm sorry, I don't want to appear insenstive, I really don't - but statements such as "The thing is, I really don't care what happens to me" is a shocking attitude to have - at the end of the day, it's just money. Noone has died or is going to die. The self-harming on the other-hand.... I don't think I really need to go in what the repercussions of that could be. I find it very hard to accept that any parent - especially of a baby - didn't care what happened to them.. I suffer from terrible anxiety and panic attacks and one of my absolute worst nightmares is something happening to me that means I don't get to see my children any more... I'm not trying to downplay your situation, or trying to say you aren't justified to feel the way you do etc - given that you're clearly suffering from depression - but I dunno, you have a baby daughter, how can you NOT care? I guess I'm just trying the blunt tactic, rather than the sympathetic route - though you definitely do have my sympathy/empathy with this mess and also my admiration for being able to admit all of this. At the end of the day, your baby daughter is what you need to keep in mind and sight throughout all of this. The money isn't important, not one tiny iota and I don't care if anyone else says differently, you need to stay healthy for that little girl.

I agree with you, I really do. But it's how I genuinely feel about myself right now. At the end of the day, I know my daughter would be more than well looked after by my husband, should anything ever happen to me (and not that I want it to). But it really is how I feel...
The depression and compulsive behaviour has overtaken everything
. That and the guilt and self loathing.
It's not that I don't care about my daughter, or want to be without her, I just feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. I feel hopeless.