Compulsive shopper...can't cope

ellienellie

Hi all,
I'm new here, my name is Angie, I'm 36 years old, married & live in Scotland.
My problem is, I am addicted to shopping. The internet mainly, but anything will do.
I buy clothes, lots and lots of them.... and I can't seem to stop.
My husband was made redundant last December. We have a baby daughter who is almost a year old, and I'm in massive debt
Since my daughter was born I seem to have gotten worse. It's like an overwhelming desire, I just HAVE to buy stuff. It's something hard to explain really.
It's putting a huge strain on our marriage and on my health. I lie and deceive to hide my addiction. Not to purposefully hurt my husband, but the urge is overwhelming.
I've started self harming, something I hadn't done since I was a teenager. I feel such awful guilt and anxiety over everything I've done, because I know we can't afford it, I know it's selfish and I know my husband is stressed. and yet I cannot stop?
I feel so alone and empty... the stuff means nothing, I know that, and I know it doesn't bring me happiness. I'm still as depressed as ever. In fact it only makes things worse.
I just don't know what to do or where to go for help..

Any advice is really appreciated.

rdchick

Hi Angie,

First of all please stop hurting yourself, it's only money and your family need you a lot more! Secondly, perhaps go to see your GP for your anxiety and I think they might be able to point you in the right direction for your addiction.

Is there anyway of perhaps not allowing you to have money, ie let your husband deal with all the money, cut up any credit cards and just not let you have access, that way you can't spend what you don't have.

Are you managing to keep up the repayments on your debt, your minimum payments etc?

It'll be ok, you've made the first move.

Love and hugs

Steph xxx

whitewing

Hi ellienellie,

Welcome to the forum.

Have a look at the Debt & Mental Health Guide on the main site. I haven't read it fully but I've heard it's good.

Also I would suggest an appointment to see your GP. Print out your post (in case you can't find the words) and take it along. He may offer anti depressants. Others may say they didn't find them helpful but I do find they help with the anxiety/racing thoughts. You ay also be offered CBT.

Meanwhile, it may be hard to stop the impulse buying initially. Try to buy from somewhere that you can take it back for a refund within so many days. Then make sure you do take it back. You will slip up occasionally but that will get fewer and further between.

Stick with your thread and try to have some NSDs (No Spend Days).

You'll get advice from others too so I'll stop typing....

rdchick

Another thing, perhaps you can sell the things you bought - eBay has free listings this weekend - might be able to make some money to pay off what you owe xxx

whitewing

I just reread your post and saw about your husband being made redundant. Bless you both, you have a lot to cope with with your baby too. No wonder you're off balance a bit.

Why don't your show your husband this thread, and tackle this together. He may not be able to support you fully on every single step of the journey as he will have his own worries too that will sometimes cloud out yours, but between us all we should be able to make things better for you and your family.

oldtractor

Hello and welcome to the forum. Have you looked at the OLD STYLE threads? theres lots of ideas there,its a matter of challenging your mind set,turn it round to having NSD [no spend days]. its great,you have a sense of achievement and challenge.

Little_Miss_Uni-Debt

Hi,

Just wanted to reply to offer some support. I'm sure there will be some folks along shortly with very helpful advice.

As destructive as the shopping addiction is for you, the more serious issue is the self harming. I'm sure that it is a case of cause and effect and the guilt is causing such strong emotions. However I think you should seek some professional advice on this as soon as you can.

We can help with any amount of debt however we don't want to advise you wrongly on the more personal matters.

Just a quick question with regards to the money side of things, how are you funding the shopping? Credit cards or cash from a debit account? Do you know what the total is so far?

If the items don't hold any value to you, are you able to perhaps start to return some of the newer items? I have a close friend who went through a long phase of this. She that said once the thrill of buying had passed she just felt guilty when they arrived. She said it helped her to feel better to send them back. I think this helped her to stop.

Least if you could do this it would minimise the damage and may give you a sense that you are starting to tackle the problem.

Do you have an understanding of the reasons behind the shopping? Is it a "must have that specific item" urge or is it more that buying anything makes you feel temporarily better?

I hope you carry on posting on here. I think if you start to take small steps, the sense of relief will help you carry on.

Norfolk_Jim

Some good advice up there - you do need to get some help.
It's just my opinion, and you need proper professional help with this, but clearly compulsive spenders get something, a fix if you like, from getting something. My wife, who has mental health issues (and so do I) has something similar, it's just the buzz of getting something, then afterwards - nothing, so she goes in search of another fix - to fill a hole that things never will.
So you need to find out what it is that buying stuff satisfies temporarily and then get some coping strategies and alternatives in place. It isn't easy so I'd suggest speaking with your GP or maybe one of the charities like Mencap. Don't be embarrased about asking about mental health issues, it's very common, just an illness like any other. Since you are self harming, don't delay seeking help, please.

whitewing

How are you ellienellie?

Twins

Hi ellienellie, I don't have anything to add to what has already been said but just wanted to offer you my support and a huge cyber hug! Please don't let this get to you!! Your family will be always come first and we all know how hard it is dealing with debt and hard times and you will find so much support here so please keep coming back to us - we are here to help and listen. Please keep strong and take the first steps at seeing your GP. Much love xx

hostie

Hi ellienellie,

It sounds like counselling might help you as the things you mention might be the symptoms of what is bothering you. It does sound like you need some support. Do you have a best friend that you could confide in who could help you.

I would suggest focusing on improving your emotional well being and that might help you with the other things. So go out for a wee walk every day with your baby. Try to socialise with friends or family and if you don´t have friends or family nearby try to go to a mothers and toddlers group.

Maybe selling a few things on ebay might help. ... ebaying can give you a similar thrill except that you are selling.

Also if you post your SOA people might be able to help you with the financial difficulty.