Coping with loneliness

Saturnalia

I wondered if anyone had been in this situation and could offer some advice?

I am very lonely. I have a couple of friends but I don't often see them as they are always doing stuff with other friends. My flatmate spends very little time here and I'm single and hate it.

I haven't had a proper relationship for 10 years now and the last time I had a short-term thing was over 5 years ago. (I thought it was going to be a longer relationship but was wrong.) I don't seem to be attracted to many men, it's very rare I meet someone I'd like to date, and I don't know how to go about changing that.

As well it is hard for me to meet new people as I don't have a social life due to being out of work and very skint. When I was in full-time work I joined Meetup and went to events at least once a week but now I can't even afford to do that.

I've usually been temping since I moved here so haven't made any lasting friendships through work, and the few times I have got on well with someone at work they've relocated soon after and I've been by myself again.

I hate it that I haven't managed to meet a partner yet, I'm 30 and always thought I'd be settled by now, and as time goes on the pool of single men is obviously shrinking. I miss having the comfort of another person who loves me and I feel so lonely living without any touch or affection in my life. I've never wanted children but I have a medical condition which means getting pregnant after 30 is very risky so I regret that I've never had the chance to make the decision to have a family or not, by now it isn't my choice but just how life has turned out.

The only people there for me are my parents and they are at the other end of the country so I don't see them as often as I want to although we talk on the phone a few times a week. I'd like to live near to them but the area they are in has very high unemployment and I moved away to get work. I could move to a city closer to them but it would mean starting all over again and leaving behind the few people I do know here.

It's preying on my mind a lot lately that my parents won't be around forever and when that day comes I'll be totally alone in the world with no-one who cares about me.

toptobottom

Hi, Saturnalia.

If you give us an idea whereabouts you live (don't go into too many details) people can come up with groups etc they know.

What are your interests, as that can help too.

Good luck whatever happens. You will meet people, just need to make an effort to get out there.

BitterAndTwisted

You have to reach out to other people. No-one knows that you're on your own and feeling lonely if you don't keep in contact, even if it's only a five-minute phone call once a week.

I do appreciate how isolating being out of work is, as I've spend a great deal of time not working myself. It has meant that a lot of time I have to meet chums for a picnic in the park or a nice, long, free walk somewhere instead of meeting somewhere that costs money.

Join stuff. Are there any interesting groups you could get involved with via your local library? Book groups, volunteering, stuff like that?

Do not fear not meeting someone when you're in your thirties. You are approaching the age when lots of men start becoming available again. The only down-side is that some of them will have children to support and could be bringing a fair bit of emotional baggage along with them.

SailorSam

There's a long thread on here about Internet dating, have you tried that ?

Gigglepig

Sorry to hear that you are feeling lonely. I think the first step is to think about why the situation is as it is, and what you find difficult, and then to come up with a strategy for how to deal with it.

For example, if you lack confidence and self esteem, perhaps try a new sport which can challenge you physically and give you confidence in yourself. Climbing, rugby, horse-back riding... whatever suits your personality. Sometimes, when we challenge ourselves in one area the confidence gain helps in other areas as well.

Sign up for group activities. Join a team, or find another activity where you would meet up with the same group of people regularly for a long period of time. Just remember to be patient - it takes time to feel part of a group or team. If money is an issue, check the forum for ideas for free activities in your area.

Some people very much enjoy pets; dogs, horses etc that keep you company and also help you get in touch with other people. If you cannot afford one, perhaps there is an elderly person in your street or a busy working mum who would be grateful if you could walk their dog once a week.

If you feel stuck in a rut, what about trying to find a well paid job somewhere else in the country, perhaps in an area where you have relatives, or already know a couple of people?

Volunteering won't cost you anything, and it is a great way of meaning something to someone.

Hope some of these ideas may help, and best of luck to you.

Deep_In_Debt

How about joining a local drama group? You don't necessarily have to act as I'm sure they will want people to help on the night, people to help with props, costumes, setting the stage etc. I joined one years ago and had a lot of fun and made friends too.

Miss_Orangey_Goodness

I split from my partner of 11 years and the first thing I did was join a dating site, not to "be on the rebound" but to initiate conversation/flirting with other men as I feel my confidence has been completely knocked. Although there are a few nutters on there, there are lots of nice men to talk to, even just to have a bit of banter, you should try it! Even if you dont actually meet these people, an email/text here and there gives you a boost. I actually have a date lined up for next week (never been on one before my ex of 11 years). Very scared but you have to just bite the bullet and go for it.

mountainofdebt

I think volunteering would be good for you - get you out of the house during the day, you'd meet new people, learn new skills that you could add to your CV, demonstrate that you've used your time out of work productively so that you'd have something else to talk about at interviews

And you never know you might just meet Mr Right as well

kittieviolet

I can sympathise and know how difficult it can be to break the cycle. I'm on my own too and am older than yourself (but not by much!). The best advice I can give is to find an interest that you really enjoy. I volunteer at a local animal sanctuary and love it. Its so rewarding when the animals that you have been caring for get a new home.

Saturnalia

I do volunteer work in a shop on Sundays and love it as it's the only time I get out of the house and get to chat to people, work and feel like a productive member of society. I just hate not being in work, I can't afford to do anything enjoyable or pay anything off my debts and I feel like I'll never get out of this mess. I apply for over 20 jobs a day but haven't had any luck.

I'm in London which must be the worst place in England to be skint as everything is so frighteningly expensive, JSA goes nowhere. I'd say I'm quite an intelligent person but tht means I'm bored witless as I need the stimulation of working and social stuff going on. This life feels like it is killing me slowly.

My flatmate's cat has 5 kittens and I'm stuck at home with them all all day. They are cute but really hard work, I spend half the day cleaning up cat poo and stopping them wrecking the place, and I'm starting to feel a bit resentful as my flatmate works long hours in the week and stays at her boyfriend's all weekend, she gets to come home for a couple of hours and see the cats being cute but I get all the dirty work & responsibility. As well as the fact that I'm doing all the housework, I don't mind doing more as I'm home all day, but I'm stuck with the lot. I don't think flatmate realises how much I DO do, but she complains if she comes home and nothing is done. Ach, I'm going to have to pour us both a glass of wine and sit down for a friendly chat about this issue as it is staring to annoy me a lot.

I've tried internet dating but got nowhere with it, I never get any messages but haven't found anyone on there who interests me either. It's weird, I don't feel attracted by looks, it's after I've chatted to someone that I start fancying them or not, it's totally a personality thing for me so internet dating just doesn't seem to be the right way forward.

I feel such a failure as everyone else seems to find it no hassle at all to date. 2 of my cousins have got engaged this year, a third is not far off it, the rest of my family are all happily married and long before my age too, and all I have to look forward to is getting older, uglier, poorer, more bored and boring and lonelier.

smartpicture

Why don't you start your own meetup group for cheap meetups? You can't be the only person out there who can't afford to go to the normal sort of events. I don't know how much it costs to set one up, but there's one local to me where the organiser charges everyone £2.50 for 6 months which covers her costs. You could organise walks, picnics, visits to free museums, clothes swap parties etc. If meetup costs too much, just set up your own friendship group and put up posters around the area to attract new people.

Or, join a walking group. They don't cost very much, but even if it's too much, you can usually go on 2 or 3 walks before you have to pay, so you could meet someone and suggest getting together outside the group. Not a potential boyfriend, just a friend. I think you should focus on just making new friends for now and let the boyfriend thing develop naturally once you have a better social life.