Any advice - 10 year old with some 'anger' issues

brummiebabe

Hi all. Am wondering if anyone out there has any advice or any ideas. My son is 10, and will be 11 in a few months time. He's always been a 'challenging' child but this had decreased significantly, and he had really started to mature into a lovely, kind, well mannered lad.

He's just done his SATS and returned from a 5 day residential trip with school. This was his first time EVER away from home - he's never even stayed with Grandparents etc. Prior to going, he had no anxieties about this, or about being away from home.

However, upon his return(1 day ago) we've found things very difficult indeed. He is shattered (which is obviously never helpful) but he is quite demanding and has been extremely angry tonight, refusing to do as he's told, throwing things, kicking doors etc. He refused to go to bed, wanting to lie in his wardrobe instead. He's been like this before but normally calms down after a while.

However, tonight he's been talking about how he hates himself, feels he doesn't "fit in" with the family and that he can't stop himself getting angry at home. States that he hates this, but doesn't know what causes him to be angry and misbehave. Also talked about wanting to hurt himself (which naturally worries me greatly!!) When we try to say anything to reassure him about how we feel about him, he just dismisses it, saying we're only saying it to make him feel better etc....he just won't accept what we're saying, and he seems to get angry again.

We've been trying to talk to him but are obviously worried. I do wonder whether he's just so tired that he's blowing everything out of proportion (as we all can do when it's nighttime, we can't sleep and are exhausted) or whether there's something more serious I should be concerned about.

He doesn't seem overly enthusiastic about the trip and did admit to missing us - he got very upset stating that he'd forgotten what his brother looked like while he was away. He said he didn't enjoy it as much as he thought he would - but put it down to not doing all the activities he thought they might.

He did admit that some 'friends' have a nickname for him - which makes him feel embarrased and he doesn't like - but doesn't want me to take this any further, with the teacher etc.

I've tried to normalise some of his feelings, talking about how we oftne get angry with those closest to us because we know they'll always love us - but he can't seem to accept it.

Has anyone got any advice? I know he'll probably be much better after some decent sleep and getting back into his routine a bit, but wondered what people thought we should do?

Thanks in advance for any advice x

pigpen

Sounds like he needs a shower and food and bed and speak to him again tomorrow.. he is probably exhausted and had an argument with tired homesick friends which they have all blown out of proportion.

He could think of embarrassing nicknames for all the culprits really silly ones! It ight make him feel a bit happier and get him giggling!

I'd leave it.. talk about it tomorrow with him.. and go see his teacher on Monday to ask if there were any incidents you should be aware of.. WITHOUT him earwigging!!!!! She might give you a whole new slant on it. On the whole I wouldn't worry just yet.

The wardrobe thing.. it means he is all peopled out and needs to be alone for a bit.. I used to sleep in cupboards ..

brummiebabe

I wasn't worried about the wardrobe thing......he actually ended up falling asleep in there and we left hime for an hour or so. Didn't think about him just needing some time alone and being 'peopled out'

I'm sure he'll see things differently in the morning..but he has got a bit of an anger issue....only at home though, he's great when he's anywhere else!!!

Spendless

I went through something very similar with my 11yo earlier this week on his return from Scout camp. In DS case it's his mouth that kicks off, rather than anything physical, but he was far ruder to me, than anyone has ever been and I was shocked and incredibly disappointed and furious. DH had a serious chat to him and we've seen positive steps since.

I do think it's been a combo of late nights, pressure from SATS and hormones kicking in.

I'd talk to your DS when he isn't tired, set a punishment and give him some ground rules, and tell him what the punsihment will be for not adhering to them. Mine got a 24 hour grounding for what he did which he didn't like as every single one of his friends called for him to play and each was informed that he was being punished for being rude to me.

whitewing

Overtired definitely.

My DS used to be like this when he came back from visiting his dad/grandma. They only had him a week or so two or three times a year (won't go into this now). All rules relaxed or changed and no way for him to contact home unless agreed by them. He was a pain. It wasn't until I finally got cross and told him to pack it in that he got back to normal. Although he was fine with them he couldn't quite resolve his feelings until it was all safely back to 'normal' whereas I was being nice because I'd missed him and not wanting to tell off naughty behaviour.

Gets better as they're older, especially if they do get chill out time. DS would never discuss being away or seem enthusiastic about it until a few days later. Almost as though he has to process it through first.

brummiebabe

What you're all saying makes perfect sense and thanks for the reassurance. He has lost his X Box and his mobile phone......we'll have to see how things go. It's just been so upsetting to hear him say that he hates himself...but hopefully things will change over the next few days!

pigpen

aaaw poor boy.. you can't punish him for being tired and overwhelmed... I am aware he was throwing and shouting but how else should he express himself he is a child!

Don't talk punishment or be angry with him.. just talk to him tomorrow, he may well be full of remorse for being a grot when he really missed you and really just needed a hug and a kip!

brummiebabe

I'm afraid the punishment will have to stand - his behaviour has been so awful that I can't back down on that. It wasn't just the one episode - it was all afternoon & evening until midnight!! I will try to speak to him later if he stays calm.

I really hope it's just about him being unsettled from being away from us, being overtired etc. I really thought we'd got over the really difficult phase with him - but it seems not!!

busiscoming2

Agree he is probably overtired and fed up with people being around all the time. It may have frightened him a bit the 'forgetting what his brother looked like' perhaps deep down he was worried you would all forget him too. He needs reassurance and time alone, just chilling.

You mentioned about the anger, my ds2 is now 14 but he kept saying he felt angry and wanted to hurt someone or things (with no reason behind it) so I googled it and it turns out a lot of teenage boys feel like this and they have to be taught to deal with their feelings and that it is the hormones!

brummiebabe

Thanks busiscoming - my nephew is 13 & has many episodes where he gets really angry, but can't explain why & then gets really upse by his behaviour. Will try & do some research today about how best to help my son.

He said last night he was worried we'd forget him & strangely, I think he feels 'left out' by not being here with us. He said he wants to change his name to something beginning with 'J' or 'G' which are his siblings' initials.

This morning he seems calmer & says he feels better than he did last night. We've reminded him that we love him & he says he loves us. Suppose we have to see how the rest of the day goes......

Mojisola

It would help him if you can talk through some strategies that he can use when he starts to feel like this, rather than just saying don't behave like that again.

If his hormones are all out of balance, he won't be able to control the feelings but having a safe way of expressing them will help him deal with them.

There's classic things like punching the lights out of a pillow but I'm sure other posters will be able to suggest things to try. He needs to find some things that work for him and can be implemented in different situations - at home, at school, out and about with friends, etc.