Fiance and his step family - top table fights

niciola

Hi all,

We are getting married 23 july 2012. Everything is going ok, got chapel and reception booked and trying to save money else where, but our main sticking point is his family.

There is his step mum and dad (he calls her mum) who raised him and i consider his parents, his birth mum (who he only every sae for 2 hours every friday) and her partner who he hates.

At the top table I think it should be his step mum and dad, beside him and his mum and partner at another table, or slightly to the end of the top table, but his birth mum is very domineering and seems to have a hold over him - she says jump and he says how high. She is trying to take over and wants to be at the top table. His step mum and dad have said they dont mind so long as my fiance is happy, and he is of the opinion let his mum sit up at the top table as she will not give up until she gets her way, even though he would prefer his step mum and dad. I really dont agree with this at all but i dont know if i should push the issue. I dont like his birth mum, she doesnt like me. She treats my fiance like crap and speaks to him like hes a child. Its about time she wised up in my opinion.

I just dont know how to handle this one. His dad and step mum are contributing a lot to the wedding and she isnt. She claims that because she will have to travel to belfast (his family are all essex, as his he, but im irish and we live in belfast and are very happy here) she wont be giving a big present if at all. I dont want her money or anything from her, but i think it would be a slap in the face to his step mum and dad if they arent at the top table. They got us out of huge debt not so long ago and if it wasnt for them doing that we wouldnt afford to get married full stop.

martinthebandit

Look here straight in the eye and tell her she will sit where you and your future husband want her to sit.

If you don't she sounds the sort who will keep pushing till you push back.

Start as you mean to go on.

It may not be the easiest thing to do at the time, but it will be the easiest option in the long run

niciola

See I would do that no problem but he wont, seriously its the meaner she is the more he wants her her approval. I may just do that tho without him knowing. Il be absolutely petrified saying it tho, she could actually go insane when she hears it - things are ALWAYS done her way. She still hasnt forgiven me for his decision to live here and not london -we got in serious debt when we lived there, that was apparently my fault as well

LillythePink

If his dad and step mum mean that much to both of you and, as you said, she raised him etc, then it should be them that sit at the top table.

You can play it a few ways....

You be the bad one who lays the law down and tells her where she is sitting - she doesn't like you anyway, so it is really not a big deal in that respect

Back down and get everyone on the top table - your parents, his dad/step mum and mum and her partner - that would make the table huge if you include BM's etc - but that makes everyone equal

No parents sit on the top table - only bride/groom/bridesmaid/best man - again everything equal and no favourites

Or just your parents and his dad and mum - no partners or step ones - but that is a slap in the face for the step mum who you prefer.

If you go for the mum to sit at another table, then even if you are the one to lay the law down, you need to make sure that your OH is on your side - you don't want him brow beated by him mum and then gives in and lets her sit up there - but then maybe doesn't tell you straight away.

If she lives in Essex and him in Belfast, how does he see her for 2 hours on a Friday?

It would seem that you owe his dad/step mum a lot (not just money) - but you should try and keep that out of it otherwise it will seem like a duty thing.

Good luck - it won't be easy - of course, you have over a year to go yet - table plans don't need to be finalised until nearer the time, so you could always just keep everyone at arms length by saying that you have heard about other table formats and are thinking them over which may not even involve a top table!

Horace

There is another way - do away with the top table altogether and have a sweetheart table for you and your OH and everyone else sitting at round tables.

sandraann

Without wanting to complicate matters for you it may be a good time to also think through the formal wedding photos, signing the register photos etc. I'm a wedding photographer and notice that it's fairly common for the couple not to think this through until the photographer asks for the family and several sets of couples stand up. It can create real tension and in one full wedding group photo i can think of there were huge tensions around who stood where until one stepfather removed himself completely from the photo.

Scotsbride

Tricky at the end of the day it's your wedding. what about seatting his birth mother as far away from his step mother at the top table.

Angel_of_Tomfoolery

It sounds so tricky but I would suggest you come up with a plan with you H2B rather than take the decision upon yourself, otherwise it could end up coming back to haunt you if tempers get frayed. From what you've described, I personally would feel that the dad and step mum should be on the top table with you, as you seem to want that. Whilst the money is not necessarily a key point, I can understand you want to show your appreciation for the support you've received.

Before me and my OH had even talked properly about our wedding (we've not even set a date yet), we had a heated argument about our top table. His parents are divorced and both have long term partners (of over 20 years), so he said he didn't want any parents on the top table. I wanted my parents on the top table as they have given us so much in the 7 years we've been together and will be contributing to the wedding, along with the fact that I just want them there! When I spoke to my mum she said she'd be ok with not being on the top table so I think we'll end up with just us and the best man/bridesmaids. It's not what I would've chosen but there's no ideal situation really. My OH is worried he'll get it in the neck if his parents are not an equal distance from us but doesn't want them too close to each other. I'm inclined to say - they can get over it! They can both be quite unfair to him in terms of treating his brothers more favourably but he still hates to think that they're annoyed at him and wants to keep them happy. It's a nightmare!

Good luck with your wedding plans. I hope you manage to sort something without too much tension.

mrs_B_5

Myself and my partner both have split families and the top table was something we didn't want to stress over We made the decision extremely early on that to stop any issues occuring, we would sit on a table with our friends and there would be no formal top table. Both sets of parents have been fine about this and I think in some senses it was a relief all round that we weren't going to force any awkward table plans on anyone!

Murtle

Do what you want is the key thing. Not what anyone else wants.

If you don't want her on the top table, let her find her seat on the day from the table plan!!

codemonkey

It seems a shame to "punish" both sets of parents for the sake of one nasty biological mother. Could you maybe expand the top table so that she can sit at the end (without her partner) with the parents that actually brought him up closer to you both. Sadly, I've seen this so many times. Your partner is trying so hard to win his mother's love, and the meaner she is, the harder he will try.

Either that or you put your foot down as bride and make her sit elsewhere. As she doesn't like you anyway this will have minimal impact on you, although H2B might be a bit put out.