opinions pls.. step children and relationship breakdowns

brians_daughter

My Bro and SIL split about 6-7 months ago. They have 3 children ds1 who is from sil previous relationship, ds2 and ds3 who are biologically my bros kids.

Anyway, my bro got with (ex) sil when ds1 was 5 months old, moved in when he was 18 months old and has been 'daddy' for over 8 years.

sil has let bro see ds1 (not biologically his) since they split but now (and i can only report these events coincide - dunno if they are connected are not) since she had announced shes in a new relationship she has told us (my bro and family) that we cannot have any contact with ds1 as it confuses him. This has been going on for about 4 weeks now.

OK, i can see where she maybe coming from but she is still insisting bro picks up ds2&3 from her house when ds1 is there. Hes been to collect them today and ds1 was screaming and shouting to go with his dad.. whats he suppossed to say? He cant say mummy wont let you as he doesnt want to bad mouth her, nor is he prepared to lie to him as to why he cant come too.

Hes begged and pleaded that she lets him see ds1 but she wont budge - he doesnt see his biological father - he never has done.
He then asked sil if she can either drop ds2 an ds3 off or to ensure ds1 is 'out of earshot' when he collects the boys but she wont do that and says ds1 will 'have to get used to it'

I never get involved in relationships, but even i have tried to speak with her and she says its confusing for the boy when we arent his 'real' family - even tho we have treated him as our own, took him away on holidays- he is family

Our hearts are breaking - my bro is inconsolable, but most of all there is a 9 year old boy who has told my bro we no longer love him because mummy doesnt love daddy.

My brother has said today that he would rather see none of the children than put ds1 through that twice a week

I dont know what i am posting for really, just seeing if anyone can offer ideas,advice?
She is adament that the boys need to be collected from home. we cant suggest school as all 3 boys attend the same school so the same outcome would be likely yet in public.

She wont allow someone else to collect them it has to be my bro and it has to be from her house. I do understand what she is saying re confusing ds1 a little, but surely if that was her main reason she wouldnt allow him to go through the heartache the current set up is causing?

He does have a solicitor, but we are assuming as its not his child they arent going to assist in seeing ds1

Any advice for us? Thanks Anna x

edited to add..
i know financial support and contact are different but he even pays mainenance for ds1 and he has a " parental responsibility order" that was granted shortly after they married via a solicitor

Plans_all_plans

I have absolutely no expertise in this area, but I'd have thought the fact he has parental responsibility over the eldest child would mean he has the same contact rights as a biological father? Maybe google 'PR' to see whether this is the case or not til someone who knows about these things comes along.

If I were in his shoes I think I'd be saying to the mum that I wouldn't be seeing the other 2 unless she lets him see the eldest too. I couldn't watch someone I considered my son go through the agony and I'd rather not see any of them than make an innocent child suffer. If he went down this route, would she cut off contact completely with all 3 or would she relent and let all of them see him?

CH27

What a terribly sad situation.

If I was your brother I would tell the boy that I love him very much & miss him very much.
I would tell him that mummy doesn't wan't him to spend time with me.

brians_daughter

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I have absolutely no expertise in this area, but I'd have thought the fact he has parental responsibility over the eldest child would mean he has the same contact rights as a biological father? Maybe google 'PR' to see whether this is the case or not til someone who knows about these things comes along.

If I were in his shoes I think I'd be saying to the mum that I wouldn't be seeing the other 2 unless she lets him see the eldest too. I couldn't watch someone I considered my son go through the agony and I'd rather not see any of them than make an innocent child suffer. If he went down this route, would she cut off contact completely with all 3 or would she relent and let all of them see him?

Thanks for replying - its funny how a reply on here can make things seems slightly better isnt it?
We have googled away but all we can find is he can take her to court for access but it isnt always granted.

We fear if he doesnt continue access unless its all 3 she will cease all contact with them all. Shes always been a 'i will get one over on you' kinda woman. Goodness, i sound so !!!!!y but im not - its fact.

Bro has said he wont see any if him seeing ds2 &3 is causing so much upset for ds1. I know ds2 and 3 will hurt but at least they wont have it rubbed in their face like ds1 does. We are also concerned if he does take her to court it will look bad that hes volunterily ceased contact - but i assume circumstance would be taken into account?

I just dont know what to say to him, i have no advice that i can give, he lives for his children. I know we should all put our own hurt aside for his sake but my children are also hurting as they are all very close in age and see each other at least 3 times a week and i am so angry my children are also suffering (although i realsie to a much lesser extent)

Plans_all_plans

I think that he should see a solicitor first thing tomorrow to outline the whole case and get as much advice as he can about how best to proceed.

If she isn't likely to relent and let him see all 3 then maybe he should continue to see the other 2 while he decides what legal route he'll take to try and see all of them, but hopefully the solicitor will know what's best to do on this front. I would take her to court myself: the fact he's raised the boy for so long, pays maintenance now and doesn't see his biological dad would go in his favour I'd have thought. Best of luck with it all, I don't understand where she's coming from at all.

mountainofdebt

Does DS1 know that your brother isn't his biological dad?

I think I would be tempted to write her a letter (and keep a copy so that if DS1 dos ever track you down in the future to find out answers for himself) saying that whilst you appreciate that DS1 isn't a biological relation, you have always considered him to be as such and by not being allowed to see him, it is having the same effect as if he was.

Is there any way that you can get a message to him that you do love him but mummy and daddy have to work out a way for the DS1 to see daddy first?

daska

I think you must advise him to carry on seeing the two children as much as he can, however painful it is for him and the eldest child. And at the end of every visit I'd ask them to take a huge hug to the eldest and tell him he'll see him as soon as he is allowed to. Ditto cards, presents for birthdays etc. I know it's not nice to bad-mouth the other parent but how much worse is it to send the message that love and responsibility can be switched off so easily.

Yes and solicitor as soon as he b***** well can get there!

brians_daughter

yes he knows bro isnt his dad. he was told quite early on. They sat down and explained that my bro chose him to be his son, but wasnt his daddy from the start. he was too young at the time to be told much more than that.

CH27

brians_daughter wrote: »

yes he knows bro isnt his dad. he was told quite early on. They sat down and explained that my bro chose him to be his son, but wasnt his daddy from the start. he was too young at the time to be told much more than that.

He needs your brother to keep on telling him(every time he sees him) that he loves him & wants to spend time with him.

brians_daughter

daska wrote: »

And at the end of every visit I'd ask them to take a huge hug to the eldest and tell him he'll see him as soon as he is allowed to.

thats a great idea thank-you. i did send him a 'special cake' last week. i often bake with him so i made his fave and sent it all iced with 'love you lots' on it -just so he knows i am thinking of him, dunno if a 9yo thinks that deeply but it made me feel better lol

brians_daughter

CH27 wrote: »

He needs your brother to keep on telling him(every time he sees him) that he loves him & wants to spend time with him.

bro has been told not to speak with ds and a comment ds2 made makes us think ds1 has been told not to speak to daddy. ds2 said (in conversation - we have never pressed for any info) that mummy said ds1 was not to talk to daddy again and if he didnt she would buy him a new helecopter. bro adn ds1 use sign language (bsl) they learnt it for 'fun' and he does give short signals to him but again, he doesnt want to get teh child into trouble with the mother for communicating with him

We have sent kisses home with ds2 and 3 but i am anxious as to if this is therefore dragging them into a situation that a 6 and 3 yo should not be party to

Goodness, reading this back has made me realise how pathetic the whole situation really is