problems with daughter at school.

meritaten

*Robin* wrote: »

First of all I'd want to know whether E also has a behavioural disorder, or is it just that you all live in a very rough area where violence is accepted as normal?
Your comment below about 10/11-year-olds and fighting at secondary school suggests this. Referring to hitting, smacking, kicking and punching as "skills" I find truly worrying:



You have taught your young children that it's ok to push away another child. What if that other child then fell awkwardly, fracturing their skull?

To my mind the school is right. No physical violence should be tolerated. It doesn't matter who pushed who first - both pushed so both should be punished.
Perhaps you should tell your children that you were wrong; shouting "Go away" is ok, running screaming to the supervisor for help dealing with the other child is ok, but laying hands on that child in any way is definitely not ok!

One of the children I fostered [aged 9] had ADHD (and other problems). He found life quite frustrating and was initially sometimes aggressive when he came to us. We made it clear that in our house any kind of violence would be punished by loss of privileges (in his case, we sent him to martial arts lessons to improve his confidence, discipline and attention span. If he misbehaved at school or home, he missed his next session - spending that time with myself or DH one-to-one, practising his reading).
That boy loved his tai-kwon-do, and formed a close bond with the instructor. His behaviour improved dramatically because he did not want to miss his lesson. When he went back home after around five months, the group leader found a tai-kwon-do club near the boy's home where he could continue training (and the adults from our local class clubbed together to pay for it!).

I would suggest you find a similar activity away from school to help both your daughters develop life skills that will increase their confidence. Which in turn, will help them deal with playground bullies without needing to resort to violence.

Oh, and just because your other daughter backs up her sister's story, I would not regard that as 'gospel' - especially as they're twins.
Personally I think it is very important that parents back the school - unless the school is obviously failing to manage the situation - in which case I'd move heaven and earth to get my children into a different school, or, if there is no alternative, I'd home educate them for at least a term (- had to do this with three children over the years, to resolve various issues). That requires dedication and sacrifice in other areas for the parents of course; it was not easy for us but it was definitely worth it, the whole family benefited in many ways. All three children were in front of his/her peers educationally when they returned to school after a term or a year - by which time the problem that had caused their withdrawal had faded into history, so they had a 'fresh start'.

Good luck OP. Do you belong to a local support group for ADHD families? That's a good place to start when you're looking for ways to help your daughter overcome her condition.

while I understand your point - my position is that the LAW of the land allows us to DEFEND ourselves within reason. Why would a school not take this position? If you are confronted by someone who pushes you and comes up again and drags you to the ground kicking and punching - even though you pushed them away and shouted at them to go away? Are you going to just take it? if you are, then there is absolutely NO POINT in going to Tae Kwon Do (which incidentally I have a green belt in). My Sensei always said Run! if you cant run then Fight - but make sure you hit hard and fast before they hit you!

A school which has been warned that this may happen - and then allows it to happen is failing in its duty of care. To then punish BOTH girls equally - and incidentally telling them of further punishments to come on Monday - doesnt understand effective discipline with children suffering ADHD! Punishment has to be FAIR and immediate! and I think that in this the school is NOT practising effective discipline.

meritaten

how is she tonight Atrix? she was happy enough here, but is she ok about going to school tomorow? I didnt talk to her about it as i didnt want to spoil her happy mood.
talked to your sis and her OH (who teaches) earlier and they say this zero tolerance policy is unfair on the child who is just defending herself. I also told her what you told me about the poor kid having a rollocking off the lunchtime supervisor, the teacher and the head - thats three punishments plus she has further punishment on Monday. Even Nan thought that was totally out of order! and you know what she is like!
If I were you I would warn the head tom that you have spoken to them before about overpunishment of the child and that if they DO punish her again you will be putting in a formal letter of complaint, cc it to the governers and also the LEA.
You also need to complain in writing about the teacher announcing what had happened in front of all the parents and children outside the classroom. That was totally and completely a breach of your privacy. Time to stop playing nice Atrix - They are taking the P!