Real Life MMD: Should we keep paying for son's extras?



  • JoannaS_3
    JoannaS_3 Posts: 103 Forumite
    There are some really horrible, judgemental comments on here by people who assume too much!

    You are in a very difficult situation no matter who's son he is.

    I would talk to your husband and point out that perhaps buying his son everything he asks for isn't actually helpful to him but keep up the visits to keep his son's spirits up.

    As much as I will do anything in my power to help someone I love when they are ill (I have watched my grandparents deteriorate slowly and then die in hospital) you are no good to them if you neglect yourself!

    You need to find a happy medium as if you both spend everything you've got and can't afford for yourselves to survive, what good will you be to him then?!

    You can only do your best but spending all your savings on 'guilt' presents is not the answer. Like others have said it's not more stuff he needs.

    I wish you all the best and hope he makes a speedy recovery!
    Debt owed £4000, Saved (to pay back) £300, only £3,700 to go!!

    My best money saving tip: Good manners cost NOTHING! So please be nice to each other! :happylove
  • JoannaS_3
    JoannaS_3 Posts: 103 Forumite
    I think you should look at your car/learn to drive.

    Seriously, that works out about 25mpg which unless you drive in constant traffic is likely to be result of using a silly car or poor driving

    Yeah really helpful that!! That will solve her son-in-law's mental health issues and save them money all in one go! Well done you! :rotfl:
    Debt owed £4000, Saved (to pay back) £300, only £3,700 to go!!

    My best money saving tip: Good manners cost NOTHING! So please be nice to each other! :happylove
  • BaobabAmy
    BaobabAmy Posts: 22 Forumite
    You mention that he's not entitiled in benefits while an inpatient. Are you sure? The point of sick note (or fit notes as the government would like to have us call them) are that they are issued for peple that are not able to work or even search for a job. Your husband's son sounds like he is not fit to work - so he should be issued with a note so that he can claim sick benefits. I'm a doctor and I would issue a sick note for a patient like this - the doctors at the hopsital are the ones looking after him and thus are the ones that should be issuing notes if he is not mentally fit at present.
  • Chipping
    Chipping Posts: 61
    Name Dropper First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Yes, there are some selfish, nasty, attacking comments here - best to ignore them. My tuppence worth:

    1. The visits are essential to son's recovery - contact with someone close who they trust is essential. However, I don't think they need to be every day - they could be reduced to four times a week (or maybe 5 as someone else suggested). As someone said, he is an adult and he does need to get used to looking after himself for some of the time. However, any reduction of help to the patient will have to be very carefully managed and communicated to him - to ensure he does not feel its his fault, or he is a burden, or he's being abandoned...or worse (some can be paranoid).

    2. Some of the items are also essential, but not as essential as the visits, but the 'treats' not so much. Slippers, clothes, toothbrush, etc are essential (as long as they're not really expensive). As someone suggested, you may be able to get other items cheaply second hand (e.g. books) - there may be charities that will help provide him things for free.

    3. The financial state of the parents is also essential if they only have small savings. If they have say £15k in the bank then it may not be such a concern to spend £2000 over a 6 month period towards helping him. It can be tricky to get a parent who is concerned for their child to be aware of their own risks. Maybe a way to do it is to tell them that its just wise to budget the spending so that the son can be cared for for a longer time - if you run out of money then the son will also run out of help. You could keep a track of the costs and maybe the son will re-imburse some of it in a few years time if he is well - but I would not mention it to him at all until he is well.

    4. The mental state of parents is also essential - it can be very stressful coping with emotions as well as the effort, and there's also the shock to the change of lifestyle. Its best if you get help for this - just someone experienced (professional) to talk to.
  • Families should do all they can to support each other in times of illness. So yes, you should continue to pay for anything that makes life easier if you possibly can (as long as you are not getting into debt) as this should speed up recovery in the long term. This is not a time to be counting the pennies.
    Always button up from the bottom up!!!
  • Androcles
    Androcles Posts: 77 Forumite
    At the risk of being really hard, I think one needs to know a lot more about the background - what kind of breakdown are we talking about? I just get the feeling that she may suspect that her husband is being taken for a bit of a ride. (I know from personal experience that this does happen, where the family member may be sick and sectioned (in our case, alcohol induced) but can also have an eye on the main chance, and very skilfully play the sympathy card with any emotionally vulnerable relative.)
    In any case somebody has to look at what is happening and make sure that they can afford all the trips and treats. I go along with what other people have said about delivering these as economically as possible but she is right not take everything at face value, and protect her husband if necessary.
  • CazGreg
    CazGreg Posts: 207 Forumite
    I have to admit to wondering: if he had cancer, would you resent the cost so much?

    Because it's just the same.
    The people in my life: Betty Crocker, Mr. T and Gordon (of Gordon's gin) :T
  • mully57
    mully57 Posts: 3 Newbie
    You have to pay it
  • Chia
    Chia Posts: 283
    First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Help him out, even if it's ramen noodles and scouring supermarket bins for you guys for a while. Priorities.
  • iscamaid
    iscamaid Posts: 297
    First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    astonishing !
    what should you do?
    how about have the grace to leave your husband so he can find someone with some decency?
    a forty mile round trip is nothing for a hospital visit for a son who is mentally ill and slippers are not extras!
    let's hope you are never ill in hospital and looking forward to one ray of sunshine a day in the form of a visit from a close relative.
    utterly utterly selfish to a ridiculous degree you should be ashamed of yourself !

    I am sorry to say this but the selfish one here is you. How unfeeling and rude, totally misunderstanding the post.
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