What to tell the kids

Kimitatsu

Can I just remind everyone to keep this thread on topic

FBaby - I like you have an NRP who pays nothing and the CSA are apparently incapable of enfocing the paltry amount he is assessed on. However I still wouldnt tell my children that they cannot afford to go on a trip because he doesnt pay - that puts the burden of guilt on the child.

More concerning in this case is that the OP believes that the children do not have shoes to go to school in!! We could debate the rights and wrongs of partners supporting other peoples children forever but in reality all partners support extended families all of the time. There is never a clear cut solution as on both sides costs are higher than for living as an individual and so the reality of each contributing 50% is unlikely to ever happen - especially as many parents have differing views as to what is reasonable.

The question was SHOULD the NRP HAVE to pay for the additional extras, and my comment was that he already contributes to the household at the amount given (and we could start a whole forum on the rights and wrongs of the assessment process) and that he should not be blackmailed into giving more than he can afford. The children are the ones who suffer and as he states that the PWC has an active social life you can see where the stereotypes may come from.

For both you and me, we would give our children everything they needed rather than spending a night out, but for some people they look it as a chance to relive their younger days as the NRP "can always" pay a little more.

I am not a PWC hater (I am one myself) nor am I an NRP hater (married one of those) so I see it from both sides, the CSA system is massively flawed for both parties, but also both parties need to have their expectations managed as to how much money will be available on both sides.

Marisco

Good post Kim, and the last sentence sums it up - peoples' expectations! There is no way, unless the NRP is rich or has a very good income, that the PWC can expect to live the same way as if they were still together. That goes for the NRP as well. As for NRP's changing their jobs etc, well that is unrealistic!!! Leaving out the grabbing PWC's and deadbeat NRP's, most just try to do their best, everyone has to realise, that that is all that can be done.

rb211

Wow so many replies, thank you everyone.

Just to put some meat on the bones, my monthly maintenance payment is £375 per month, with NO arrears, 4 children.

I'm glad I pay through CSA as it proves what I pay and that I owe nothing.

Daughter has astigmatism, and has just had to wait 2 months for a pair of specs, she had none to wear as the old ones completely broke, PWC told her no money to get any, whilst knowing that she is out 'drinking' at least 3 nights a week, including school nights. Indeed last night I had message, ' I hate her, she's out again, (Wednesday night) and probably out again tonight (Thursday).

Even knowing this, I have been pressed into providing £100 more this month for sons prom suit, and £30 for a summer outfit for daughter (because she has no summer clothes) so my total payout this month is £505.

I suppose why I have started this thread is because I know that PWC is not doing a good enough job and the children are unhappy, and don't really know what to do about it.

My solicitor says there's nothing I can do, I can't MAKE her spend the money on the kids. I even called social services once after she had thrown our daughter (then 15 years old) out on a below zero February night, she didn't even bother trying to find her until the afternoon of the following day. Luckily I arranged for her to go to her grans for the night. Social services made me feel really stupid and said there was nothing they need do, as the child was safe at her grans.

My contact with the children is one weekend a month. And I live about 50 miles away.

fannyanna

If you (and I suppose to some extent your children) have concerns about the Mothers parenting how would you / the children feel about you becoming the PWC? Would that be an option?

Marisco

Is there any chance you could go for custody? I know it's not feasible for everyone to do that, but from what you have posted, it does sound like you'd have good grounds for it. And of course she'd have to cough up CSA then:)

rb211

I would LOVE to have them with me. The reason I haven't is that they are all at important times in their schooling and I think moving schools would be detrimental to them.

jetta_wales

rb211 wrote: »

I would LOVE to have them with me. The reason I haven't is that they are all at important times in their schooling and I think moving schools would be detrimental to them.

What's more disruptive, changing schools or living with a parents that would rather see them go without than miss out on an evenings drinking?

Have you actually asked the children about it and wether they would like to live with you instead? Do they even know it could be an option? Sounds like they're very much old enough to make that choice now and to deserve being given it.

I really would tell them how much you actually do pay her too.

RAS

Also, you could plan for them to move over to live with you when it suits their schooling.

It would not be easy as your CSAS liability would not go down much when the first child moved in, and your spends would increase as you had to keep that child. But one two children move in with you...

At that age (from 14 certainly, but to a large extent from age 12) the courts would respect their wishes.

jetta_wales

RAS wrote: »

Also, you could plan for them to move over to live with you when it suits their schooling.

It would not be easy as your CSAS liability would not go down much when the first child moved in, and your spends would increase as you had to keep that child. But one two children move in with you...

At that age (from 14 certainly, but to a large extent from age 12) the courts would respect their wishes.

If one moved and the other didn't the CSA amount would drop by 25% (going from 20% to 15% of net income) but more importantly then you get child benefit for one too and you can still make a CSA claim against her also.

DX2

jetta_wales wrote: »

What's more disruptive, changing schools or living with a parents that would rather see them go without than miss out on an evenings drinking?

I have to agree with this, if of course things are as bad as we are led to believe and that the PWC is watering the wall with her child support money and the kids are getting neglected to the extent that the OP is going on about, I wouldn't for one single minute worry about their schooling. A loving stable/safe enviroment is much, much more important.