What to tell the kids

rb211

I need some advice on what to do with the following situation.

Currently pay ex through CSA, 25% of net wages.

The kids are constantly asking for me to provide clothes, trips etc.. additional to CSA payment. And they do need these items as the absolute bare minimum is often not provided. I'm often called with a child in tears, example; not having a pair of shoes for school. With trips they are told unless dad pays half they can't go, so I am the baddie when i say no. I sometimes relent , but sometimes stick to my guns and say no.

PWC is well dressed and has a good social life.

What is the correct thing to do here, that will benefit my kids?

many thanks

Rob

kelloggs36

Talk to the ex to find out why she is expecting you to contribute more - perhaps she is struggling - I don't know if she works or not, but it is up to her to contribute as well as you.

jetta_wales

If it comes to it and she is not using your money to properly provide for the kids then maybe you could do a better job than her as PWC?

FBaby

It all comes down to what your contribution is and the age of the children. 25% of £3,000 is very different to 25% of £800. If your contribution is low in total amount so the pwc has to make the biggest contribution, it is not unacceptable to request that you pay half for additional things than those that are absolutely essentiel. If however your contribution is say £500, than clearly that should pay a big chunk of all what your children need and a bit more.

vitriol

how old are the children ? be honest with them and tell them the situation, if you can manage to pay a bit more for shoes ect, send the money through the csa and let the children know there's a bit extra for the shoes or whatever if you can afford it. times are very difficult for everyone at the moment, both pwc and nrp.

take care

Blob

Hi, sounds like you have an ex just like mine. No one can make the decision for you, but be honest with the kids, they will respect you for it in the long run, and in all probability have more time for you than your ex, something mine is learning the hard way and too late!

If you can find the extra money and give the kids the things that they need and are not provided for by your ex then so much the better. Mine used to turn up in rags that were filthy, and sent out in the rain with no coat. Been there done that, it is hard but the kids come first so you do what you can!

All the best I know it is hard but chin up the kids Will see through it in the end and then they will have the last word, in my case it has been by by mum we love dad as he has done his best by us and you have not!! I know that the pro CSA and anti NRP mob will come down on this but it is the way it is!

DaisyChainMaker

whether the pwc is working or not it makes no difference. She is receiving CSA money from her ex and this will not affect any other benefits she is getting. Many parents (myself included) don't get any payments from the ex and would be grateful for even £5 a week extra some weeks. But my children have never gone without anything they really need. Certainly never had to go without shoes or clothes. Direct your ex to this site ... she may need to learn some budgeting skills. Don't feel guilty that you can't afford to give any more money for your children. You are giving something, and more importantly you are there for them and being a caring father. No amount of money substitutes for a loving parent xx

13Kent

In the early days of our CSA payments we had a lot of emotional blackmail from the PWC. Before CSA my husband had paid for everything. She denied to the CSA that he had paid anything as she was getting benefits and was not entitled to keep all of the money. My husband then had to pay arrears on top of his normal maintenance for amounts he had already given her. Then she started asking for extra on top of CSA for trips, school uniform etc. At first he handed over the money, but then decided that the CSA payments plus the arrears (that amounted to £600+ a month for 2 children) should be enough to cover those things. So then the nastiness started, and we got the "you tell them they can't go so such and such a club then" and the phone would be passed to the children with the words " you can't go as your Dad won't buy you the kit - here you speak to him". It was horrible, but we stood our ground and after a while the requests stopped.

Incidentally the children still did the extras - and joined the club in question on that occasion - the PWC did find the money. ( presumably from the same place that she managed to find the money for a 3 week holiday to Disney Florida, a complete re-decoration and revamp of the house with new furniture throughout, having the garden landscaped etc etc - but that doesn't stop her pleading poverty!!)

In the end my husband has always paid what the CSA demanded. At our house the children have clothes, shoes, coats, toys, and we often take them for days out, we always have a Christmas day together - even if they are not with us on the actual date etc etc so they do get "extras" over and above the CSA money that is paid to the PWC, so we don't feel guilty for saying no to extra demands from the PWC, my husband has a clear conscience that he has always paid a fair amount to his children.

jetta_wales

If you really do need a line to tell the kids as she's forcing the issue and telling them you won't pay etc then the honest truth is "I've already given Mum money for that I give her <insert amount> each month which is plenty but she's spending it on herself."

PreludeForTimeFeelers

vitriol wrote: »

how old are the children ? be honest with them and tell them the situation, if you can manage to pay a bit more for shoes ect, send the money through the csa and let the children know there's a bit extra for the shoes or whatever if you can afford it. times are very difficult for everyone at the moment, both pwc and nrp.

take care

The only problem with this plan is that if you send extra money through the CSA then it won't go to the PWC as extra money, it will be allocated as an early payment of her regular maintenance. The CSA can only process the money that an NRP should be paying per week.

jetta_wales

PreludeForTimeFeelers wrote: »

The only problem with this plan is that if you send extra money through the CSA then it won't go to the PWC as extra money, it will be allocated as an early payment of her regular maintenance. The CSA can only process the money that an NRP should be paying per week.

And you've also got no more guarantee that the money gets spent on what it's meant for than you have with the rest of the money as it just goes in her wallet.