Daughter moving back home ............... at my wit's end

mandi

It's a difficult situation for you isn't it

You love your daughter but not her moods so I can understand why you're in a dilemma .

In your situation I think I would be inclined to offer her a a rolling contract for want of a better word .

Tell her she can come back initially for one month and then only under your rules and if she behaves and respects you and the rest of her family you can then tell her she can have another month .

and so on .

Make it clear that you will not hesitate to throw her out if she doesn't comply .


The difficult part will be if she lapses in which case you must stand firm .

Reading your OP I get the impression that she has little respect for anyone and regards you as a "soft touch "

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind

diable

kelloggs36 wrote: »

Because the girl doesn't have a job since being made redundant - she can't live off fresh air!!! it goes without saying that she will be looking for a job - certainly in the family home otherwise she is out!

The parents help her out instead of always relying on the state, a child is for life and not just for Christmas ;o))

gravitytolls

diable wrote: »

The parents help her out instead of always relying on the state, a child is for life and not just for Christmas ;o))

Assuming they have the means to do so ~ at 22, she is an adult, and the welfare system is there to catch those who become unemployed. I don't think we can hold redundancy against her!

OP, your daughter sounds like my son, also 22. He left, returned, left, returned, was asked to leave, returned, asked to leave again. TBH, until he left the first time, we didn't know quite what a disruptive influence he was, we had a taste of peace and we liked it. His very presence within the home changed the atmosphere, as everyone was on tenterhooks awaiting the next incident.

Every time he's returned, it's been with ground rules and promises, I don't doubt he means them, but because he can't see much wrong with the way he wishes to live, his promises amount to little, and the cycle begins again.

If you allow her back, with ground rules, rolling contract, or whatever, unless she's learned lots in the 3 mths she's been away, it won't be long before she falls back into her disrespectful ways.

We were dealing with alcohol and cannabis abuse too, and with a houseful of younger siblings, we simply couldn't put up with it any more.

He is currently living in a room in a hostel, lost his job (through no fault of his, his one saving grace has always been his ability to go to work), but spends 2/3 days/nights a week with us. I give him frozen meals which I store in containers for him, to help out.

It breaks my heart saying goodbye to him, knowing that all I've ever wanted is my family living happily together under one roof, but that is not to be. He knows his family love him, we know he loves us, but we have all accepted now that we can't live with him.

Good luck.

mandi

gravitytolls wrote: »

Assuming they have the means to do so ~ at 22, she is an adult, and the welfare system is there to catch those who become unemployed. I don't think we can hold redundancy against her!

OP, your daughter sounds like my son, also 22. He left, returned, left, returned, was asked to leave, returned, asked to leave again. TBH, until he left the first time, we didn't know quite what a disruptive influence he was, we had a taste of peace and we liked it. His very presence within the home changed the atmosphere, as everyone was on tenterhooks awaiting the next incident.

Every time he's returned, it's been with ground rules and promises, I don't doubt he means them, but because he can't see much wrong with the way he wishes to live, his promises amount to little, and the cycle begins again.

If you allow her back, with ground rules, rolling contract, or whatever, unless she's learned lots in the 3 mths she's been away, it won't be long before she falls back into her disrespectful ways.

We were dealing with alcohol and cannabis abuse too, and with a houseful of younger siblings, we simply couldn't put up with it any more.

He is currently living in a room in a hostel, lost his job (through no fault of his, his one saving grace has always been his ability to go to work), but spends 2/3 days/nights a week with us. I give him frozen meals which I store in containers for him, to help out.

It breaks my heart saying goodbye to him, knowing that all I've ever wanted is my family living happily together under one roof, but that is not to be. He knows his family love him, we know he loves us, but we have all accepted now that we can't live with him.

Good luck.

Thank you Gravity. Your post says it all .

:A

wolfehouse

i agree with pudlle and gravity
but want to add that from your story it sounds like either
you might be right about the mental health issues
or there is some sort of drug taking involved.
don't ignore your instincts

Personally, I would insist on seeking professional help as a term of moving back in
and if she agrees make a gp appointment as part of the deal.

Susan_Frost

What is the point of letting her back in and making ground rules. She will not stick to them and you will find it harder to get her out. I certainly would not want that around my 5 yrs old either.

Give her support by all means, but in the big wide world, not within your now peaceful home. She is 22, she wont come to any harm.

I wonder if she had the odd tantrum with her flat mate and that could also be part of the reason for the split. What she needs is to live with other people who dont have an emotional attachment and who will not put up with her moods in order for her to really get to understand how to behave.

You owe it to your other two children to provide them with a happy home. She has had her chance. Odds are, if she comes back, you could very soon end up losing your son as soon as he is able to get out.

nuttywoman

gravitytolls wrote: »

Assuming they have the means to do so ~ at 22, she is an adult, and the welfare system is there to catch those who become unemployed. I don't think we can hold redundancy against her!

OP, your daughter sounds like my son, also 22. He left, returned, left, returned, was asked to leave, returned, asked to leave again. TBH, until he left the first time, we didn't know quite what a disruptive influence he was, we had a taste of peace and we liked it. His very presence within the home changed the atmosphere, as everyone was on tenterhooks awaiting the next incident.

Every time he's returned, it's been with ground rules and promises, I don't doubt he means them, but because he can't see much wrong with the way he wishes to live, his promises amount to little, and the cycle begins again.

If you allow her back, with ground rules, rolling contract, or whatever, unless she's learned lots in the 3 mths she's been away, it won't be long before she falls back into her disrespectful ways.

We were dealing with alcohol and cannabis abuse too, and with a houseful of younger siblings, we simply couldn't put up with it any more.

He is currently living in a room in a hostel, lost his job (through no fault of his, his one saving grace has always been his ability to go to work), but spends 2/3 days/nights a week with us. I give him frozen meals which I store in containers for him, to help out.

It breaks my heart saying goodbye to him, knowing that all I've ever wanted is my family living happily together under one roof, but that is not to be. He knows his family love him, we know he loves us, but we have all accepted now that we can't live with him.

Good luck.

My son sounds like your son in so far as the drink & drugs , he`s 25 and because of his habits his long term g/f has left him taking their baby . We`ve had to accept that at 25 its his life and we can`t change it , it hurts but there`s nothing we can do x

JoJoB

How long is she able to stay at her current place? I doubt that she has to leave immediately, there is always a period of notice. If she has no money for a deposit on a room she can go to her local authority housing office and ask to speak to a housing officer about her options. If she is homeless they are legally obliged to house her, even if in a hostel or B&B accomodation. They may have some sort of deposit/loan scheme too.

Are you able financially to help out with a deposit on another room? If so she could move somewhere new and claim housing ben while she is looking for work.

Your primary responsibility now is to your younger children. It's really going to affect their emotional well-being if they are around this sort of behaviour.

Sues48

This was me 12 months ago when my son announced he wanted to come back home after Uni, like your daughter he had no job so I thought I didn't have any option but to let him come home, what a mistake, he has no respect for me or my house and I laid down a few simple ground rules, nothing too onerous but he doesn't seem to want to even try to keep to them. He has a job now so I've told him that he needs to move out as I'm not prepared to put up with his bad attitude any longer. It breaks my heart to think that it has come to this but hopefully given time and some distance between our relationship will eventually improve.