Daughter moving back home ............... at my wit's end

mustkeephoping

Apologies if I've posted this is the wrong place as it's not really money saving.

My Daughter is 22 years old and she moved out 4 months ago to live with a friend. Unbeknown to me until today, her friend who is a single mum has been claiming Housing Benefit and has been told that this will cease (she has increased her hours?), therefore she is moving back to her parents'. Hence my daughter wants to move back home - I'm pretty sure this is the truth.

Now a bit of history, I was sad but hugely relieved when she moved out as she had become a nightmare to live with, totally disrespectful and her mood swings were having a detrimental effect on our lives at home - Me, DH (her stepdad), DS - 20 years old and 5 year old DD. On the few occasions she has come home, it has been an absolute nightmare, she has ruined every day she has been back with her moodiness, temper tantrums etc, she has been truly vile. In addition to this I have had countless phone calls with "problems" mainly money (she's always skint) and to top all this she was made redundant last Friday. Since Friday I have been trying to help her find alternative employment, but she lacks "real" motivation, though deep down I know she wants to work - no work = no money.

At one time I seriously thought she had a sort of "bi-polar" illness, however I now believe her to be etremely highly strung, if things don't go her way she throws tantrums and is extremely vile. To be honest I am really frightened about her coming home and the effect her behaviour will have on the rest of the family unit.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is, what kind of "ground rules" can I discuss with her before the event so she is absolutley clear that we cannot tolerate her current behaviour - I am not well myself and really cannot deal with any stress she may bring home.

Also - for the record, I feel I have to let her come home, she has no other options - or does she?

Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated

Hobo17

Can she not claim housing benefit if she is unemployed? It may not cover the cost of a flat but should cover the cost of a house share.

daska

She has the option to stand on her own two feet, get herself into the Job Centre and find herself a room. She will, presumably, be able to claim Local Housing Allowance at the Shared Accomodation rate.

ladymarmalade1970

Poor you. I am a bit like this with my eldest son who is nearly 22. He lives with his grandparents who dote on him and i feel add to the problem. How about a family member or as others have suggested housing benefit help with a room??

thorsoak

Right - don't panic - sending you LARGE glass of red wine to calm those nerves!!!

Your DD is an adult - she has left home. You are under NO OBLIGATION to take her back home - in fact, she will not be able to claim any HB for staying with you - and therefore she will have to pay you housekeeping out of her JSA!

Be firm. State - "My house - my rules!" Whilst you love her dearly, you also love the rest of the family dearly and you are NOT prepared to let her disrupt the rest of the household - and unless she can adhere to your rules and not upset everyone else, she will not be able to make YOUR home her home!

Try and help her find her own independant space - it will be far better for your (more mature) mother/daughter relationship if she is not living under your roof - you're already pointing her in the right directions - and keep on doing so.

She is a grown woman who has left home - she has no automatic right to swan back in again and act like an adolescent all over again - you've already had that headache/worn out the teeshirt!!

Good luck!

Plans_all_plans

Going by what you've said: I think you'd be doing her a disservice by letting her come home. By all means help her find suitable accommodation and advise her on her employment/benefit options, but I don't think I'd take her back if she was my DD.

I think that at 22 she needs to learn what's acceptable and what's not. If you allow her home, she won't learn how to respect you (as she never has by the sound of it) and she certainly won't be motivated to find a job. If you say to her "I want this situation to be the making of you, so we don't want you back as you do nothing but cause tension, you need to find a job and grow up a bit as you're an adult now."

I certainly wouldn't be putting my marriage under strain for my adult child, nor would I want a 5 yr old to witness disrespectful behaviour in my home.

If you really feel that you have to have her back to be a good mum, make sure you take a good amount of her JSA as rent and tell her that if she acts up at all, she's leaving.

puddle96

I could have written this post about 7 years ago. Our daughters could be twins except mine was younger and the one holding the baby so hugs and a glass of your favourite tipple. The reality is she is not highly strung - more highly manipulative and that it is you not her that has all the options so
option a) you let her return -you point her in the direction of how to claim benefits, look for new job, help with CV etc and as a family draw up a contract for her returning to living with you - financial contribution, what it covers, help around house, baby sitting, hours kept and other such basic rules -e,g the ones you set for her as a growing teenager under your roof. Agree a very limited number of breeches of these rules - 3 strikes and you are out type thing and DO it.
option b) she will not accept the contract or you say no -again point in direction of shelter,housing teams, benefits and offer practical but very limited financial help and let her get on with sorting it.
I really wish I could have followed all my own advice, it really is tough love and very hard for a mum to do but your daughter is now an adult and hasn't a baby in tow(my downfall). As a mum the greatest gift that you can give a child is their own independence (and as a mum it really hurts to watch their struggles) but money (or lack of it)seems to be a great motivator. Do what is right for the majority, accept your daughter may not particularly like you in the short term but may learn to realise mum was right and come out stronger in the long term.
Ignore the guilt, it really is tough love and good luck
Puddle x

Sambucus_Nigra

mustkeephoping wrote: »

I guess what I'm trying to ask is, what kind of "ground rules" can I discuss with her before the event so she is absolutley clear that we cannot tolerate her current behaviour

Didn't you establish ground rules whilst she was growing up?

diable

Why do some people suggest pointing their off spring in to claiming benefits?

PasturesNew

Do you have space for a small touring caravan in the garden? She could move back, but that could be "her space" to keep her out of your way. She can't live in it, but it's acceptable for it to be her bedroom and private living room. You could then not even give her a key, so she can only get into the house when you're in.... better give her a potty out there too.

kelloggs36

diable wrote: »

Why do some people suggest pointing their off spring in to claiming benefits?

Because the girl doesn't have a job since being made redundant - she can't live off fresh air!!! it goes without saying that she will be looking for a job - certainly in the family home otherwise she is out!