Deep in Debt and Petrified

OneSpike

Hi AP and huge hugs - it will be okay but it feels absolutely horrible when you first face it. You can see from my sig that we owe an absolute fortune so I know a wee bit of how you feel.

First of all, why can't you tell OH? I understand that you view it as your own fault, but if he's there for you then he can support you emotionally while you face this. If you don't tell him he might make assumptions about why you're so stressed, and that could be disastrous. Please find a way and tell him - even if there are fireworks at first they will subside.

Secondly, try Alliance & Leicester for a new account, this is what Nathaniel and I have done. We didn't want an overdraft or credit card so were both accepted. As you want to do, we now know that all money coming in is ours to control. We have a budget which covers all the essentials and allows for school uniform, car servicing etc, and anything over that is divvied up between creditors. We've written to them all stating that for the next three months they will get x, period. After that we hope to increase payments.

I have to dash now for the school run, but will keep an eye on this thread. Chin up hun, it will all be okay in the end but the single biggest step you can take is telling your OH. He's not a monster (I hope), he should be there for you so give him a chance to show what he can do.

chloe99_2

about the tax credit overpayment- theyve got some new rules now where they cant stop all your money just to get the overpayment back quicly if your financial circumstances show that you cant afford for them to do that, they have to take a bit at a time and be patient!! if/when you do get a statement from them showing that you owe them, then make sure you challenge anything they say about stopping all your money .

3LITTLEPIGS_2

i did my DMP online last week with CCCS and felt so much better once i had,am now awaiting the info in the post and for it to start. You need to do something like this asap as the stress can really interfere with everyday life. do it now so you can look forward to the new year knowing you are dealing with it. I understand you cannot tell your husband,mine doesn't deal with finances but he is aware-if he didn't know my stress levels would of gone through the roof!!
Our debts are at £22,700 and they have accepted a £124 pymt monthly...i will be doing everything as advised on these threads to get that increased and pay them sooner.
I have also bought a little notebook where i take out a set amt per week and wrwite in what i am spending it on,this helps loads!
Good luck

lynzpower

I also suggest telling your husband. As clapton says hes in significant debt himself, I cant imagine how he can try to have a go at you for something hes doing himself??

fatbelly

Absolutely_Petrified wrote:

The £900 to the mortgage includes a £20 per month extra payment towards the arrears. Apparently if I keep to this for 6 months they will capitalise the arrears and wipe the slate clean. Then hopefully I can change to another product with them.

You must have a very understanding lender. I regularly see people in court for repossessions where action has been started once they get two months in arrears. And the £20 per month agreed by them won't clear your arrears for 7-8 years. Most lenders want arrears cleared in a matter of months and we have to argue at court that a 'reasonable period' is 3-5 years.

benood

Hi AP - I can understand your reticence in telling your OH, no doubt he would go ballistic initially.

Perhaps a sensible halfway house would be to develop a plan over the next week or so following the advice of other posters. Once you have a plan underway you could tell your OH. He'll still go ballistic for a while but if you have a solution mapped out in outline he will have that to focus on rather than just you - if you see what I mean - he will also have to acknowledge that you mean to sort things out.

Obviously you have to weigh it up but if you can get him on board it will make things much easier in every way.

Could you confide in anyone else? OH might prefer to be the first confidant but if that's not possible is there anyone else you could talk to?

PMB74

Hi

Can totally understand why you don't want to tell your OH. But the old saying of a problem shared is a problem halfed is apt in these cases.

Please face up to it and talk to him about it, you may be surprised as his reaction!

7 years ago I was in a similar situation with debts everywhere and arrears on my mortgage and got close to losing our home. 7 years on and I have 1 debt left now which should be out of the way in a couple of years, unless I up the last few payments. At the time I buried my head in the sand, as many of us do, and hoped it would sort itself out. It didn't, I pulled my finger out and started paying back £700+ per month to all and sundry.

Our credit file was shot to pieces for a while. It takes time and there's no quick and easy solution. But just wanted to say it CAN be done.

Best of luck.

Larumbelle

Hey

I'm not a DFW regular so I'm not the person to tell you what you should and shouldn't be doing to reduce your debt. I have been in a similar situation about telling the other half though.

I really think that you need to tell your other half. Three reasons.

Firstly you need to think of the situation you are in. As people have previously mentioned, your situation will not improve if your OH believes there is no problem and carries on spending.

Second, you need to think of your OH. He has a right to know. He loves you and trusts you. You love and trust him too. You need to share this with him, and you need to be the person to tell him. He WILL find out in the end, no matter what you do to hide it. How would you feel if he found out through the postman, a telephone call or a knock on the door? How do you think he will feel?

Lastly, you have to think of yourself. Not sleeping a dreading the sound of the phone or the post is not healthy and it WILL make you ill. If you are ill you will be even less able to deal with things. You might feel like you deserve it - I did - but let me tell you, nobody should have to suffer in fear like that. What's done is done. You will not move on while you feel like this.

I honestly do think you will be surprised at his reaction when you tell him. He almost certainly will go ballistic at first. Allow him that. He will be shocked and angry. But once that has died down he will remember that he loves you, that he doesn't want you to be unhappy or sick with nerves, and that you are a team who can work through this together. I'm sure that not all of the money was spent on 'you' so it should not just be you who suffers the burdon.

What ever you decide to do I hope that everything works out for you. Please let us know how you get on. The people on this site are so wonderful and supportive. Sometimes just knowing that others are/have gone through it can make all the difference.

Jumbo_2

Hi I was in your shoes a few months back. I was in a lot of dept and my partner had no knowledge of anything. I told my friend and she suggested I tell my partner but I could not. We looked on the internet and came up with Martins website and the rest is history but a bit rocky. I contacted the CCCS and they were great, getting me onto a DMP which I started this month. I then got really scared and ran causing my children great stress. My friend phoned my partner at work and told him everything, he has been great. I am not saying we or I should say me are out of the woods but to be able to talk to him about everything is wonderful. I sleep at night, I dont worry about the mail or the phone ringing. Tell him he might surprise you I know my partner did.

Absolutely_Petrified

Thanks everyone for your advice when I originally posted.

I continued to bury my head in the sand for a while. I then contacted Cahoot, Barclaycard and Halifax. I asked would they consider reduced payments for a while until I got back on my feet. All turned me down flat and said if I wanted to go that route I would have to speak to CCCS. I buried my head in the sand for another while, became more and more depressed and today decided I had to do something.

I contacted CCCS this afternoon. My figures when I sat and worked them out were actually a bit different to what I posted on here.

The CCCS solution is a DMP. On paper this will take 23 years. :eek: However in 2 years time I will have about £500 a month extra spare so will put this all towards the debt. I'm also selling everything and anything on Ebay and will start being more frugal. I hope to be able to clear this nightmare a lot quicker.

I'm waiting on a pack to come now. Can anyone tell me what the success rate is? Is there any chance that this will all fail on me and I'll be back to square one? Do I have to meet anyone at CCCS? How long does it take to set a DMP up?

I know I should have asked all these questions on the phone but I was in too much of a state. Since making the call I have been sick twice. However I do feel that things will get better (at least I hope they will).