Back filling the big hole I dug with my credit card

Aesop

Well done PBS! you are doing so well -you and ATS. :beer:

PiggyBankShaker

Thanks Aesop. I feel it's going well. We have momentum now, which is great.

The car broke AGAIN and cost £45 to fix. It could have been a lot more, so we're grateful for that. But it's looking more and more likely that'll we'll have to replace the old girl this year. It's three months in a row that she's needed money spending on her. We also got a parking ticket(!) and need to shell out £55 for that too. It's hugely annoying but at least we have the money. This time last year we would have had to put that on the credit card and it would have added to the debt mountain.

I really want to pay off the the last £900 of the CC debt. Even if we need to buy something unexpected on the other card, just to pay off the one card will be brilliant. If nothing bad happens between now and Feb 10th I can pay it off, cancel the card and cut up the plastic.

PiggyBankShaker

I'm really up and down at the moment, not even on a day to day basis but almost on a quarter hour basis, that's how extreme things feel at the moment. We're both working really hard and I feel that I'm really pushing myself almost to my limits and in doing so expecting my anxiety to seriously flare up, but so far I'm holding. Its good that I can work at this more pressured pace, but the fear remains that something will happen that will push me too far and everything will fall down around me. I also fear that ATS and others will get used to this pace and take it for granted, without realising that it is often hard work to bend my anxiety and emotions to my will. I have to be strong as there are expections I need to meet and people who are looking to me for leadership at the moment. I worry what will happen if I can't cope and the worry feeds the anxiety like a vicious circle. I do find writing in the diary helps, it even allows me to say things to ATS that I don't feel he understands sometimes.

PiggyBankShaker

I feel better for having gotten that stressy moan off my chest the other day. Things are ok really, I just need to remember that and hold on to it tighter when the anxiety starts to build up.

We've two items ending on Ebay today, I'm hoping to get about £20 altogether. We need to start adding a few bits and bobs now again when we have the time. As motivation I think that we shouldn't take money out of PayPal before it reaches £50, that way it'll motivate us to add extra things when it's hovering around the £40-£45 mark.

Seeig as our income is ok at the moment I don't know what we should put it towards: Debt payments, savings or house?

Aesop

I read your post and my first thought was House!!!

I might be wrong.... but you are doing really well at sorting out debts and I know you would love house to be finished.

Also about the anxiety thing, have you looked at online CBT, you can do it for free, in your own time and it will teach you how to deal with anxiety as it arises.

PiggyBankShaker

Thanks Aesop, for keeping us company on our debt free journey and for your useful insightful suggestions.

I'm thinking house, too. We need more tiles for the hallway, skirting and labour and none of those are cheap. I listed 2 more ebay items (so 5 in total) it's not up in the lofty, hectic heights we were last year, but its a start.

We also probably need to buy a washing machine. ATS is looking into it. We haven't budgetted for it, but we can afford it without adding to the debt. Also, we get paid on Friday and this should, hopefully, allow me to finally PAY OFF MY DEBT!! Although, maybe not. It would leave us very tight until the 10th when I next get paid and it probably isn't wise in case an emergency arises.

I'm still up and down on the stress / anxiety front. I'm controlling it but it's always there just a little bit in the background. At one point I was considering going to the doctor to ask to be put back on medication just to get me through the next few (insanely busy) months. But I decided against it in the end. I know a lot of people who have a lot of faith in CBT and I am interested in it, and maybe I might give it a go in the future, the honest answer is that at the moment I simply do not have the time to do it. Two jobs, training course in 'spare time' and house renovations, I think I'd end up more stressed if I let any of those slip. Thank you for the suggestion though and I'll file it for 'action' when things are more stable.

PiggyBankShaker

A mutual friend of mine and ATS said to me yesterday 'When you can't cope its easy for things to spiral out of control'. He wasn't talking about anyone or anything in particular, but the words hit me so hard and stayed with me all day and night.

Reading back throught the diary I only mention the state of the house five times (posts 87, 99, 130, 157 and 208) in one of them I say that

The only two things me and AllThatStuff argue about is housework and his mother. We've rowed and rowed about housework so many times that there is no point anymore because I just feel we end up saying the exact same thing every time.

the I go on to say

as previously posted the general state of our house gets me down, sometimes to the point where I'm so depressed I can't atually do anything about it ad it spirals worse and worse from there.

I think I have, and we have as a couple, come to accept the state of the house to some degree. I say I have because, as stated above, we can't even talk about it without rowing now and the rowing is worse than the mess. I think ATS has accepted it in as much as that he does what he can do and what he can do is the way we live, I acknowldge I do very little to impact on it in a positive way.

So, back to yesterday. The truth of what our friend said about how easy it is for things to spiral out of control when you can't cope. It might sound simple but it was a revelation to me. At the moment I would say the house is in a 'out of control' state. There is a mix of clean and dirty clothes all over our bedroom floor, you can't see any carpet. There are piles of books and boxes of books there too. The are Chritsmas decorations and an old duvet on the floor on the landing. All the tops of the wardrobes are covered in stuff, I don't even know what it is. The kids room is a mess, the back bedroom, which is my office is a mess and stinks to high heaven of the dog, there's actually dog poo on the carpet, its cold and the roof still hasn't been fixed, it's really not a pleasant working environment. I do try and keep the bathroom clean and tiday, but I'm figting a losing battle with the condensation and mold and the walls are starting to go black. There's mold in our bedroom too, its actually growing on the wood on my side of the bed, I wonder if its the reason why I have a sore throat every morning. I wonder if it will give me cancer and I might die, but still I can't bring myself to clean it off, I can't bring myself to do anything about any of the things I've listed because its all too much for me and the anxiety about tackling it truly paralyzes me. Then there the guilt, for feeling like a slovenly, lazy, ungrateful cow, and that paralyzes me even more.

Then I think about what our friend said, how easy it is for things to spiral out of control when you can't cope. I see the mess as a sign I can't cope - loud and clear ringing from teh rooftops. I always have and thought that ATS could too. That's why I'd be so angry and hurt when it was so clear that I couldn't cope, but how he'd just let things get worse and worse and make me feel worse and worse until they were well and truly out of control and we'd scream about it for a few hours until I wanted to kill myself.

So there two possibilities of what's really going on here: One he knows that I really can't cope and the house is contributing to making me ill, but he does nothing. Or two, he can't cope either but won't admit it and lets me carry on thinking its all my fault. Maybe its a third, but I just can't think of it.

I know that I can't do anymore rowing about it. I know I can't live like this anymore, too upset by having to step on clothes and christmas decorations and duveys and books and piles of damps towels and things that crack underfoot to get to the crying baby at night that it is easier to let him cry than force my body to move, to risk triping over the mess and teh evidence of my patheticness. Easier to think about walking out of the door and leaving ATS and the kids than trying to get ATS to even think about where to start to make him understand how badly it affects me.

I know ATS is amazing and he does far more than many men, he is great with the kids and does the wasking and cooking and maybe I have no right to complain.

But I also thinks that he keeps me a prisoner of my anxiety and shame and guilt, he keeps me in the dark place where I am always a failure.

As much as this sounds I can't and won't do a thing in the house, its not true. When things aren't at choas point, I feel able to do lots more, like washing up and cleaning the worktops and hoovering and cleaning to cooker, tidying the wardrobes and the kids rooms amd cleaning the windows and putting on washing. I can and do do things things, some of them even regularly, but not when the house reaches choas point. Then, I can't do anything other than close my eyes and hope it all goes away.

ATS please help me.

Aesop

PBS, netmums.com - PND, I want you to read and reach out for help now.

I read, and you remind me of me. god, how you remind me of me.

Please, please, contact netmums.com, PND. They can help.

http://www.netmums.com/support/depression-and-anxiety/postnatal-depression

Northern_Lassy

PiggyBankShaker wrote: »

A mutual friend of mine and ATS said to me yesterday 'When you can't cope its easy for things to spiral out of control'. He wasn't talking about anyone or anything in particular, but the words hit me so hard and stayed with me all day and night.

Reading back throught the diary I only mention the state of the house five times (posts 87, 99, 130, 157 and 208) in one of them I say that the I go on to say I think I have, and we have as a couple, come to accept the state of the house to some degree. I say I have because, as stated above, we can't even talk about it without rowing now and the rowing is worse than the mess. I think ATS has accepted it in as much as that he does what he can do and what he can do is the way we live, I acknowldge I do very little to impact on it in a positive way.

So, back to yesterday. The truth of what our friend said about how easy it is for things to spiral out of control when you can't cope. It might sound simple but it was a revelation to me. At the moment I would say the house is in a 'out of control' state. There is a mix of clean and dirty clothes all over our bedroom floor, you can't see any carpet. There are piles of books and boxes of books there too. The are Chritsmas decorations and an old duvet on the floor on the landing. All the tops of the wardrobes are covered in stuff, I don't even know what it is. The kids room is a mess, the back bedroom, which is my office is a mess and stinks to high heaven of the dog, there's actually dog poo on the carpet, its cold and the roof still hasn't been fixed, it's really not a pleasant working environment. I do try and keep the bathroom clean and tiday, but I'm figting a losing battle with the condensation and mold and the walls are starting to go black. There's mold in our bedroom too, its actually growing on the wood on my side of the bed, I wonder if its the reason why I have a sore throat every morning. I wonder if it will give me cancer and I might die, but still I can't bring myself to clean it off, I can't bring myself to do anything about any of the things I've listed because its all too much for me and the anxiety about tackling it truly paralyzes me. Then there the guilt, for feeling like a slovenly, lazy, ungrateful cow, and that paralyzes me even more.

Then I think about what our friend said, how easy it is for things to spiral out of control when you can't cope. I see the mess as a sign I can't cope - loud and clear ringing from teh rooftops. I always have and thought that ATS could too. That's why I'd be so angry and hurt when it was so clear that I couldn't cope, but how he'd just let things get worse and worse and make me feel worse and worse until they were well and truly out of control and we'd scream about it for a few hours until I wanted to kill myself.

So there two possibilities of what's really going on here: One he knows that I really can't cope and the house is contributing to making me ill, but he does nothing. Or two, he can't cope either but won't admit it and lets me carry on thinking its all my fault. Maybe its a third, but I just can't think of it.

I know that I can't do anymore rowing about it. I know I can't live like this anymore, too upset by having to step on clothes and christmas decorations and duveys and books and piles of damps towels and things that crack underfoot to get to the crying baby at night that it is easier to let him cry than force my body to move, to risk triping over the mess and teh evidence of my patheticness. Easier to think about walking out of the door and leaving ATS and the kids than trying to get ATS to even think about where to start to make him understand how badly it affects me.

I know ATS is amazing and he does far more than many men, he is great with the kids and does the wasking and cooking and maybe I have no right to complain.

But I also thinks that he keeps me a prisoner of my anxiety and shame and guilt, he keeps me in the dark place where I am always a failure.

As much as this sounds I can't and won't do a thing in the house, its not true. When things aren't at choas point, I feel able to do lots more, like washing up and cleaning the worktops and hoovering and cleaning to cooker, tidying the wardrobes and the kids rooms amd cleaning the windows and putting on washing. I can and do do things things, some of them even regularly, but not when the house reaches choas point. Then, I can't do anything other than close my eyes and hope it all goes away.

ATS please help me.

Sweetheart, I can identify with the things you are saying and feeling in this post x I wish I was there to give you a hug and help you get on top of the housework...What I can do is reassure you that things can and will get better, it is brave to admit how you are feeling and to admit you need help is a sign of strength and not weakness x Lots and lots of love to you xxx

PiggyBankShaker

Hi Aesop and Northern Lassy,

Thanks so much for your posts. I came on here to delete the post because it makes me feel so embarrassed, but I think I might leave it to help remind me how bad things can get when I don't look after myself properly.

We were meant to go to a friends house for lunch yesterday, but we had to cancel as I was in no fit state. I feel for ATS and DD as it would have been nice for them to have a change of scenery, but instead we spent a large chunk of it rowing instead.

After we sorted everything out, ATS worked hard yesterday tidying up the upstairs and after a while I managed to do some too, like the vaccuuming and tiding the kids room. I also made the beds this morning, which doesn't sound much but its more than I've done most mornings for the last month. ATS is busy 'deep cleaning' the kitchen now and I'm chilling. I rang work this morning to say I needed a slow start. I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep the past 3 nights and my jaw is sore and aching and I've got a headache that hurts when I look at the computer screen (I think the brightness setting is different on the laptop I'm using now as this is ok)

We've got something ending on ebay in 3 hours, its up to £10 already and I hope it'll go for closer to £20. I know its sad, but its really cheering me up.

That's all for now.