How to feel less aggrieved?

Oog

I will try to keep this short.
My partner moved in last summer with his three dogs. I have two cats so it has been... fun!
We hadn't known each other long but it felt right (and still does) but what I didn't know was that he suffers from gout in his foot which renders him completely immobile for one to two weeks. This has happened four or five times since last summer.
How can I feel less resentful of this illness as it means I have to walk the dogs myself (and do everything else which involves standing), one at a time as they are a bit of a handful, and I can't help feeling hard done by!?
My partner also has a very small wage so if I wanted to get a dog walker I would have to pay (cue ever so slightly peeved off feeling again) and I am already paying for food, treats, training classes and tennis balls!
Any advice appreciated.
By the way the dogs are great and, thankfully, like me!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

However did he manage with them when you weren't together?

Doesn't matter how little he gets (and gout should be treated by the hospital rheumatology if he's getting regular attacks), he should be taking responsibility for them.

The illness itself can't be helped, it's like you having blue eyes or size 5 feet, but he has to take maximum care of himself and get it seen to sooner rather than later. And immobility doesn't help anyone's physical or mental health, so he should still have a plan for movement - perhaps even a mobility scooter for the times when he is in too much pain to walk?


However, I don't expect my boyfriend to pay for my cats (but I do appreciate it when he occasionally empties the litter tray or feeds them in the mornings because they know he's a soft touch and wakes up more easily than I do ) so you shouldn't feel you have to get the dogs any treats - although if he is tipping all his money into the pot, then I suppose he can't do anymore than that.

rising_from_the_ashes

'fraid I agree with Jojo - what did he do before he moved in.

It's probably just easy for him to let you walk them as you're there but he must've paid for their food/treats etc before he moved in so should still be doing so now.

Having to take 3 dogs for separate walks (I assume twice a day) is a bit much for anyone and I don't blame you for feeling aggrieved and I think you need to say something as it sounds like it's going to be an unfortuntately regular occurrence (I wouldn't wish gout on anyone as it's supposedly horrendously painful) and if you don't it'll eat away at you. Who walked them before when he was unable to?

Are your finances joint / do you have a "household" account you both pay into? If so, you either have to keep your own pets costs separate or add this amount into the main account (obviously both contributing what they cost) and it all comes out of there.

libra10

My husband used to suffer terribly with gout, however for the past few years has been taking medication prescribed by our GP, which helps enormously. He hasn't suffered the excrutiating pain which gout causes since the medication kicked in.

We both enjoy long walks daily with our dog, and he's always pottering in the garden, digging, planting, pruning.

Gout needn't cause mobility problems, tell him to see his GP for diagnosis and medication.

Good luck

Oog

Thanks for your helpful replies.

He has just started some medication (four months so far) but it hasn't stopped the current attack (although it isn't so painful). I don't think he did walk them when it was really bad, but his mum may have helped out. But the dogs were allowed to sleep with him so they got lots of attention. Sorry, but that's my one firm rule; no dogs upstairs. I also feel bad for the dogs as they are so much better with proper exercise.

As for the money situation, he is setting up a business from home and so I agreed that in the first year I would 'put him up'. I worked out this should cost me £50 a month more. The dogs cost a lot more though! In return he was going to keep house, vacuum, make tea, etc, as he is very capable (that is one of the things that attracted me in the first place!).
It just hasn't worked out that way when he's gouty.
I know he feels terrible about not being able to do all the things he promised but I need to find a way to reconcile myself with the situation instead of showing that I'm mightily peeved off with him for, basically, not pulling his weight.

I have suggested a dog walkers penny jar, getting a cleaner (split cost) and even getting a dishwasher!

Any other ideas?!

thorsoak

I too have to walk 3 dogs twice a day now - but its because my OH died in January.

You still have your OH so I hope that that thought can make you feel less aggrieved! {{hugs}}

And I do know what you mean about the extra work that dogs bring too

cjmumto2

Have all the dogs got head collars? If you have a headcollar such as a halti or gentle leader you should be able to walk them all at the same time. Or once they all come to you reliably just drive somewhere where you can let them all run.

meritaten

hun, try taking all three out at the same time! surely thats what OH does, so they must be used to it - and dog walkers often take out more! google for multiple dog walking tips!
oh and gout is extremely painful so my sympathy to OH!

heretolearn_2

Is this the real issue of the fact that he moved in with you without telling you he had gout and was effectively disabled for several episodes a year so therefore needs you to be his carer at those times (and his dogs). I think you need to talk about this as the source of your feeling peed off, rather than the dogs which is just one of the consequences of his deception.

gettingready

What breed are the dogs /what size - why exactly do you need to walk them all individually?
You say they are handful, in what way?

I sometimes join my now ex dogwalker and we can have 7-8 dogs together on one walk (off lead, transported by car to and from park).

From what you describe I can see why you feel you are forced to do a bit much - especially when you work tto.

You say he brings a small wage - is this a wage or benefits? If a wage - how does he manage work when he is unwell? Who used to walk the dogs for him when he was unwell and before he moved in with you?

You need to sit down and sort something out with him before this gets out of hand and starts affecting your relationship...

Big hugs and all the best

hethmar

It is hard work - I used to have three of differing ages, sizes and health. Its not just a case of whipping them all out together, one may walk at half the pace of the other two and then theres the leads getting knotted up, so I do understand how difficult it is. I ended up, taking the two younger ones together and then the big old girl on her own.

However, its not just the walking that is the issue here is it - you need to have a long chat with the OH to see how you can make both your lives easier and more secure.

xxx