Help offered - too proud to accept

unhappydebts

My in-laws have offered to write a "blank cheque" to pay off our debt (circa £20,000) so we can have another baby and to help me with my mental health issues. They say they don't care how much it is for and if we want to pay them back we can but they don't mind how and when or even if at all.

I, in theory, should be over the moon, but have found myself just feeling sick and even more ashamed. Plus it means admitting to them just how much debt we are in (mostly my fault) and am afraid of what they will think of me. this, after all, is my responsibility.

Is this normal to feel this way? Should we accept and pay them back what we can afford without leaving ourselves overly short?

I realise this sounds ridiculous being stressed about this but it isn't the "magic wand" I imagined it would be (all those times I dreamed if only someone would give me £20k -everything would be ok). Am
Sorry if I sound pathetic.

brokeinlondon

Count yourself lucky that you have such amazing (and rich!) in-laws. I personally think you should accept their offer; think of all that interest you won't have to pay to Peter and Paul! I understand how you feel about taking the money though, because at the moment you probably feel as though you should be taking care of it yourself, and there's probably a bit of pride preventing you from taking the loan too?

I would sit down with them and agree a repayment plan that you KNOW you can stick to

Oldernotwiser

Why not accept the money with gratitude but wait to have another baby. You could then pay them off more quickly and keep your self respect.

CH27

Accept the money with good grace & arrange a managable plan to repay them.
Cut up all your credits cards etc & pledge never to get in debt again.

PNPSUKNET

accept the money, however wait on the babyside. The mental health will be worse with another child

beanielou

What an amazing life changing gift
Accept it in the spirit it is given.
Arrange to pay them back at a realistic & manageable amount.
Enjoy!

theoretica

If your in-laws can afford it I can see why they would put family and health above money. I am sure their grandchild gives them far more pleasure than money in the bank does.

Nargleblast

As others have said, accept the offer with gratitude and sit down and make out a proper plan to pay them back. You will need to address the reasons why you got into debt in the first place, though, and put measures in place to make sure it never happens again. I suggest you go to the top of the threads list and click on the First time posters/SOA calculator sticky. You will then be able to use the template there to help you draw up a detailed list of your income and expenditure, so that you can create a workable monthly budget including debt repayment to the inlaws. If you want to post the SOA on here when it's done, people will be glad to help with advice on cutting your bills and maybe increase your income. Then you will regain some control over the situation and regain some self respect. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Marine_life

Ask yourself the following:

1. If you don't accept the money how else will you pay the debts back?

2. How much interest will you pay to banks over the period you pay the debt back (I will give you a clue - a lot!)?

Acccept the money but then...

a. Put in place a payment plan (standing order) to return the money over a period which is manageable.

b. Cut up your credit cards.

barbiedoll

What lovely in-laws you must have! They are offering you this life-changing sum so that you can start again with a clean slate. I'm sure that you are very grateful, despite your misgivings.

You shouldn't shoulder all of the blame for your debts, mental health issues are often cited as a reason for people getting into serious debt, but this doesn't mean that the situation is ALL your fault. Me and my husband could sit around blaming ourselves and/or each other for our debt problems but at the end of the day, we are both adults and we both knew what we were getting into. I'm sure that your OH and your in-laws can see this too, they probably wouldn't be so keen to help out if they thought it was just your fault!

Are you in default with any of your debts? If so, then at least you won't be able to obtain any further credit for a while, which should prevent the situation happening again. If not, then you really do need to look at what you can do to avoid falling into the debt trap. As many of us will testify, paying off one debt with another is never the easy way out. Is your OH better with money than you are? Does he leave the financial stuff to you? You need to speak to him and maybe get him to take responsibility for the money side of things. You should get a basic bank account to which you have no access to any credit. As others have said, get rid of all credit cards and close down any shopping accounts that you have (if any). Throw away catalogues, delete online shops from your browser and make yourself a promise that things will change. There are loads of ideas on here for making the most of your money, having a new baby will not be an excuse to spend loads of money that you don't have, we will nag you if necessary!

You have been given a wonderful opportunity, you should make the most of it. Do try to repay the loan if you can, it will make you feel better. Even if you only pay £50 each month into your in-law's bank account, they will see that you are taking responsibility, you will know that you are doing so and you will also be setting a good example to your child(ren). Good luck!

Hannah_10

I can kind of see where you're coming from with the pride thing. Sometimes feeling indebted to someone for saving you is as bad or worse than what they saved you from. With that in mind I propose 2 alternate solutions:

1. Say to them Oh my Goodness, thank you so much, I really appretiate the offer and you are amazing but what I really want is help in non-financial ways. I feel I made a huge mistake here in getting into debt and being vulnerable through illness didn't help. I would like emotional and practical support most. Support with things like contacting a not-for-profit debt advisor (eg CCCS, National Debtline) and then perhaps with things like writing to my creditors, aranging a repayment plan and helping me back on my feet if I get down about any scary letters that come. I feel with some ongoing practical and emotional (but not financial) support I could fix my own debt problems myself and learn to live a different lifestyle, so I don't ever make the same mistake again.
If you go with this option they still feel needed, but your pride is not indebted to them. This option is more expensive and involves a lot more hard work but it is truly the height of taking responsibility for your recovery and your pride should be able to grow, rather than reduce, as you see it starting to go down.

2. You say thank you very much, what you have offered is incredible and I am more grateful than I can possibly express. I only feel able to accept this if, before you even hand me the cheque, we discuss repayments and you give me your bank details so I can set up a standing order with the agreed repayment. I think it is important that one way or another, I pay this debt, but I am deeply grateful for the opportunity to owe it to you instead of my original creditors.
If you do this you are still taking responsibility for you debt, even though you are accepting help. This way involves less work (once you've got that SO set up it does it's own work) and zero interest. Your pride can remain intact and it is not as risk of all going horribly wrong if you are taken ill again.

It is up to you. Your pride is important to your sense of who you are, so is your financial situation and the stress levels upon you. By evaluating options and chosing for yourself you will make the best choice and you will not feel trapped by it (a sense of personal choice in life is essential to good mental health). What appeals most to you?