Violent behaviour

Agutka

I feel like a terrible parent today and have no idea how to handle this in the future.
My 3yo son and his friend were playing at softplay today. We, the mums, were chatting and busy with our other charges so missed this happening.
I saw the boys sitting on another boy, same age probably. I rushed over and found one very distressed little boy and two uncaring little boys full of excuses (something about wanting to stop this boy joining them?). His mum you can imagine was not impressed, and the little boy couldn't play anymore because he could see our two. So we got out of there (after getting them to apologise and talking to the mum).
On the way home my friend got the whole story out of her son - that our lovely two sons sat on this boy's tummy and face :eek: and hit him on the tummy and face. We are both mortified. I don't know how she'll handle it, her son is a bit more aware I suppose. My son on the other hand doesn't deny it, but doesn't seem to care. I had no idea how to deal with it at the time, so please tell me what to do?

BitterAndTwisted

Kids of that age need to be challenged at the time not ages later or the relevance will most probably be completely lost on them. I'm not sure if I'd attach a huge amount of significance to kids so young acting in the way you've described as I don't believe they're old enough to understand properly the consequences of their actions and that's why littlies need to be watched like a hawk 24/7! I think all you can do now is to try and reinforce how we don't like that sort of behaviour towards other people because it's unkind. At that young age your total disapproval is your strongest weapon

TUS

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

At that young age your total disapproval is your strongest weapon

+1 - spot on.

sjc3

Agutka wrote: »

I feel like a terrible parent today and have no idea how to handle this in the future.
My 3yo son and his friend were playing at softplay today. We, the mums, were chatting and busy with our other charges so missed this happening.
I saw the boys sitting on another boy, same age probably. I rushed over and found one very distressed little boy and two uncaring little boys full of excuses (something about wanting to stop this boy joining them?). His mum you can imagine was not impressed, and the little boy couldn't play anymore because he could see our two. So we got out of there (after getting them to apologise and talking to the mum).
On the way home my friend got the whole story out of her son - that our lovely two sons sat on this boy's tummy and face :eek: and hit him on the tummy and face. We are both mortified. I don't know how she'll handle it, her son is a bit more aware I suppose. My son on the other hand doesn't deny it, but doesn't seem to care. I had no idea how to deal with it at the time, so please tell me what to do?

Dont be so harsh on yourself. As soon as you saw what was going on you rushed over to the aid of this little boy. His mum hadn't noticed it either remember, or it wouldn't have got as far as it did. So you were all busy with your other kids, which is normal.

Once you had established what had happened you made your child apologise and spoke with the mum. I have been on both sides of this situation. When my kid has been in the wrong I have handled it just as you did, there is not alot else you can do. When my kid was the one getting hurt some mums have been like you and I have respected them. Others have been appalling and I could see where there kids got it from.

I can understand you wanting to leave shortly after, not that you had to. It speaks volumes about the nice person you are in that you didn't want this other kid to feel worried about the two boys being around. Not that they are bad kids, they were just having a bit of a power game and it got out of control.

Kids will be kids, they put no importance on this because at 3 they dont see it as adults do. To them it was a bit of rough and tumble and no more. I am sure you spoke with your kid and pointed out everything you needed to.

pigpen

I totally agree with the other posters..

You rescued the little boy, spoke to his mum and made them apologise and left.. they are now aware if they misbehave the go home, they know you are not pleased and that it is wrong to hurt someone else.

I would leave it now TBH, they are only little and don't actually realise other people experience pain the same as they do, that ccomes at abouut 8 years old..

Next time you take them I would give a small reminder that they are to be nice to everyone or they will be taken home again like last time and mabe add another punishment such as no tv for the remainder of the day/no bedtime story eg.

They all do something like this at least once.. and I am sure you handled it fine!

LJM

i think you handled it very well, ive seen parents just stand and laugh at there kids when this kind of thing happens which i think is awful and not appropriate. i agree with above your lo is young so it needs to be dealt with immediately he wont remeber an hour or to down the line. i know that a raised voice,tone and a stern look is enough to sometimes mortify a child

Agutka

And today he kicked our dog.
I went spare, I cannot tolerate behaviour like that.
He keeps challenging me and I can't take it calmly, because it's so horrible. It really REALLY doesn't feel like he cares what I think!

Thank you for all your kind words. You think it's all so easy when you're childless and I've found myself often judging parents before, now it's me having meltdowns.

Btw, they didn't blink when we left, they'd had enough playing by that point, so not much punishment.
I can still see that boy's little face. I hope he forgets all about it.

dmg24

Do you know any policemen? I am not suggesting that you involve them formally, but a firm talking to from a uniformed policeman may help get the message across. Obviously by firm I mean suitable to his age, I am not suggesting he is threatened with handcuffs and a night in the cells!

Whilst I agree that he probably does not know right and wrong at the moment, it is certainly an age where he will start to develop such an understanding. A bit of a short sharp shock (verbal, not physical) from an outside source may help him understand that there can be repercussions outside of the immediate household?

heretolearn_2

Maybe you are expecting a bit much for a 3 year old - kids this age are (and don't be offended) more like animals than fully formed people - they react to things, they have strong emotional responses without control, they have no empathy with others, they have no morals ----and that's perfectly normal. They are still lovely little people in their own way and the times when they are sweet are wonderful, but they can't really help the times when they aren't. They gradually learn empathy and morals and how to treat other people over the next few years. Don't get upset about your little boy being a perfectly normal 3 year old. To them, if someone is annoying you, sitting on them stops them annoying you and solves the problem wonderfully. They aren't capable of imaging what it is like to be the one being sat on. The way they learn is by example, by being told and yes, being corrected when they do somwthing like this, but there are limits to how much they can learn that quickly. He can now learn that 'we don't sit on people' but don't be surprised if there's a next time when he remembers 'don't sit on them' so does something else horrible instead!

And don't worry about the sat on kid, he'll quicly forget all about it and I'm sure he's poked a few other kids in the eye, or pushed them over...or all the other millions of things toddlers do to their friends.

happy35

your son is at an age where he doesnt understand consequences at the moment he will learn and I think that you are handling the situation correctly

I used to explain that when he hit someone it hurt them, like when he fell over and hurt his knee or whatever accident he had had in the last few days and he did learn. I used to make him have time out when he did things like this so he learned that if he did soemthing he was punished staright away and understood why he was being punished (time out is the modern term it was the naughty chair for DS)

Your son will soon learn it is all part of his development, it is embarassing as a parent but carry on as you are and he will soon realise that if he does something wrong he will be punished

rachbc

I think you need to explain WHY this behaviour isn't appropriate - they don't have much empathy at that age so if you can explain that it hurts the other boy and makes him feel sad/ scared/ hurt etc then eventual they get it!

But it does sound like you handled it really well - last time I was at a soft play it was totally terrorised by one little girl who's mum sat resolutely reading her mag the entire time!