Feeling really put out(family issue)

Lucy1973

I just wanted a little vent and see what others thought of the situation. Its a couple of things really,firstly we were expecting to go to my parents tomorrow,especially seeing as its mother's day this weekend. My mum calls to say she now can't make it now as they've arranged to go out with their friends for a meal. Ok fair enough I think,even tho they only saw them last weekend (i've not seen my parents for around 6-7 weeks). I suggested popping over sometime on sunday(which I didnt really want to do,purely for the fact that my mum would be up to her ears cooking and I didn't want to put her out esp on mothers day). This is where the next issue comes in. They've arranged a little get together on sunday to scatter my nan's ashes. I feel shocked and saddened that she didn't even offer to come down for this. Would you have been put out? I was really close to my nan too:(:(:(

balletshoes

Sorry OP I'm a little confused - is your nan your mum's mum, or your dad's mum? Who has organised the scattering of the ashes if it wasn't one of your parents? Did they all get on with your nan?

So your mum and dad are going out on Saturday night with friends, and not doing anything on Sunday? could you not go see your mum on Sunday after the ash-scattering? Who is "they" who have arranged the ash-scattering, and where is "come down for this"?

Sorry if I'm not understanding your situation correctly.

peachyprice

First issue, were you going for lunch/dinner/to spend the day with them, or just popping in?

Second Issue, i don't really understand. Have your parents arranged the get together and not invited you or has someone else arranged it but your parents are not coming?

Gigglepig

Yes I would have liked to be there too if it was my nan.

But, people do the strangest things when they are grieving. And sometimes they are so preoccupied with their own loss that they "forget" that other people are sad too.

RacyRed

Are you saying that she hasn't invited you to the ashes scattering get together? If so, have you asked her why?

Lucy1973

RacyRed wrote: »

Are you saying that she hasn't invited you to the ashes scattering get together? If so, have you asked her why?

Yes thats right. My nan is my dad's mum. Its been aranged by my dad and aunt(dad's sister). I feel really down about this,especially as we are a very small family anyway. Its not like we're huge and my invite "got forgotten about" or anything like that:(:(:(

Lucy1973

RacyRed wrote: »

Are you saying that she hasn't invited you to the ashes scattering get together? If so, have you asked her why?

No,part of me thinks I shouldn't even have to ask why:(:(:(

peachyprice

Hmm, who is going to the ashes get together?

I ask because some people like to keep this part very personal. When my nan died we all went to the cremation (that's another story) but only my mum and her sister were 'allowed' to go to the ceremony to put her ashes in her grave. To me that was her final resting place and should have been the main ceremony but my mum and her sisters didn't see it like that.

When my other nan died it was just my aunt and her two daughters who went to the ashes scattering bit.

I don't actually think it's unusual for older people to want it like that.

balletshoes

maybe none of the grandchildren of your nan are being formally invited to the ash scattering? if you want to go, couldn't you just say that to your dad?

RacyRed

Lucy1973 wrote: »

Yes thats right. My nan is my dad's mum. Its been aranged by my dad and aunt(dad's sister). I feel really down about this,especially as we are a very small family anyway. Its not like we're huge and my invite "got forgotten about" or anything like that:(:(:(

I can see why you feel hurt, but...

If it is your Nan's children (your Dad and his sister), then I can kind of understand if they want this to be a time when they reflect on their mum and their own childhood, without the more extended family being around, other than their spouses, who will probably stay in the background a bit?

If your Nan left specific wishes for the scattering of her ashes she may have wanted it to be a very small, personal thing with just her children involved. It is very significant that the event is to be held on mothering sunday.

Maybe talk to your Mum and find out what the thinking is behind it. I assume you went to your Nan's funeral so said your goodbye then? As I say, I can understand your hurt, but maybe this is a time for your dad and his sister.

Lucy1973

peachyprice wrote: »

Hmm, who is going to the ashes get together?

I ask because some people like to keep this part very personal. When my nan died we all went to the cremation (that's another story) but only my mum and her sister were 'allowed' to go to the ceremony to put her ashes in her grave. To me that was her final resting place and should have been the main ceremony but my mum and her sisters didn't see it like that.

When my other nan died it was just my aunt and her two daughters who went to the ashes scattering bit.

I don't actually think it's unusual for older people to want it like that.

My parents,grandad,aunt ,her husband and children(altho they're in their teens and im in my 30's,we are all her grandchildren).