What can a mother do?

Hannah_10

Most peoples LBM (light bulb moment) only happens when all lines of credit run dry. The longer you cushion her the more trouble she is going to get into. It goes against the very nature of motherhood to withdraw support, but unless you stop being her enabler she will sink further than she has to.

MilneBay

Hi
I think perhaps some tough love is what's required (doesn't make it easy though!) Maybe you need to apply some 'scare' tactics to make her see the imapct this could have on her life for many years to come. At 22 and still living at home the prospect of ever being able to afford a mortgage probably seems a long way off and therefore not something worth worrying about but if she carries on this way it is likely her credit file will be in ruins for at least the next six years (at 28 these things may seem a bit more pressing) and if she gets a CCJ it could seriously impact on her ability to rent privately. Does she want to live at home forever? Might she want to move in with a freind/boyfriend at some stage before she is 30?
If this hits home then you'll need to support her and talk to her about how you can support her (non financially) to deal with this.

If you can't talk to her reasonably in person then perhaps write her a letter explainign that you are only concerned about the damage she is doing to her future and that if she would just be honsest with you then you can help her find a way through before it gets out of control.

I'd also be a clued up as possible (hence why you are on this forum I guess) so that she can't accuse you of over-reacting. If you know what to do in terms of prctical help I'm sure it will help to persuade her she needs to open up.

MB

solventbutsenile

She is not at uni - she did three months of a course and got bored, and as she was living at home, had no real living expenses. She has paid me £40 in total on keep since June last year, and before that only paid two £100-per month instalments that I asked from her for as her contribution to heat/light/food/laundry/repayment of debts that I had paid to bail her out. My OH is a soft touch - he is constantly paying random bills for her, such as car tax, insurance and repairs, because she insists she needs transport in order to get to job interviews (for positions she never gets, but always seems to be second choice....).
She has a bf who lives about 40 miles away and always seems to have petrol to visit him, but when it comes to trips to hand out Cvs she never has any fuel to get to the local shopping centres. We tried the sit -down chat but she does her 'ner, ner, ner, not listening' face. I am all for chucking her out, and have been for years, but the family fallout from that would be catastrophic.
Thanks, guys. I feel a little happier knowing that the law will protect me and what I have worked hard for all my life.

Hannah_10

At least she's going to interviews. It's a tough jobs market with literally hundreds of applicants for any half decent position. It might have been the case that anyone who couldn't find a job when you were building a career was at fault, but it would be a mistake to assume that applies now. Not having petrol to go to these interviews but having petrol to go to her boyfriends however, well you can blame away with that one. But to keep being beaten in the interview stage is not neccessarily a sign of being at fault. It's important when dealing with anyone who is manipulative to be clear about what exactly is their fault and what they can be forgiven. Being interviewed but not succeeding is, for most of the hundreds of unsuccessful applicants, not because of anything they did wrong.

lisyloo

I personally would not want to chuck her out on the street where she won't have your protection and would need money (and that's a bad recipe for slipping into drugs/crime).
But if she was my daughter I would want her to "earn" her keep by doing jobs at home like washing, cleaning, cooking.
How on earth is she affording private transport?

In addition to all the other good advice you've had, don't let the balliffs in or even open the door (where they will stick a foot in).
They are not entitled to enter without a court order/warrant.
They are not entitled to take anyone else's stuff but believe me they will say anything.
I have seen them on the TV saying to very small children "do you want your mummy to go to prison?".
They will do anything, so don't open the door to anyone you don't know and don't leave any doors or windows unlocked.
I know that's a real hassle in the summer, but they will get in anyway they can, so depsite their limited rights you need to be very wary of them getting in.

snookey

Hi you said that chucking her out would lead a fall out but this is your home and your paying the bills. Getting your hubby on board is a real must and he has to take the blinkers off. Not an easy situation but he will have to see sense.

hallowitch

Try tell her there are consequences for not paying debt and if her debts ever get to the bailiff stage you Will be happy to provide them with the reg of her car to protect your own property the bailiffs will then remove it and sell it to pay her debt and the substantial bailiffs fee that will be added
tell her they use ANPR (automated number plate recognition ) show her this if she thinks your bluffing or tell her to google bailiffs enforcement and she can see for herself
http://www.rossandroberts.com/news.php?view=artical&newsID=26

tell her to google bailiffs levied /removed my car
tell her if her debt is over £600 it could be High Court Enforcement Officers give her food for thought

Jinx

I probably wouldnt be able to chuck my child out. However on the other hand, it costs a lot to keep a roof over your heads and pay all the bills yourselves. So I would simply not be able to help with car tax, petrol, socialising, clothes, mobile bills etc for her either... Shame that

My daughter is at uni and I pay her maintenance weekly; its enough for food and the odd drink but not major socialising. She works part time to pay for nice new clothes and to have spending money for holidays etc.

CFC

Maybe it's time you sat down with your husband and had a serious talk about your daughter's future if she continues this way. He needs to stop seeing her as 'his little girl' and realise that she is a grown woman who needs to give some serious thought to what situation she will be in in 20 years if this family cushion continues unabated. Unless he is in the position to make her a millionaire in his old age?

chevalier

It never ceases to amaze me that children sponge this way, and that there parents let them.

The very first thing I would be doing is taking her to the job centre and make her fill in the forms for unemployment. To not do this is just plain bizarre. She would then have her own money, and it would mean you would have less money to have to sub her.

She can't afford a car if she isn't working. So tough really. No more paying car tax, insurance etc. If the boyfriend is serious, he will have to come and visit her, or she will have to find the money for the bus.

She seems very directionless from your posts, does she not have one thing she is good at that she would want to do as a job?
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