confused over my marrige, advice needed pls

Gigervamp

I do think he should go to the doctors to rule out any medical conditions. Perhaps he's suffering from depression.

What do his parents think of his behaviour? Have they tried talking to him?

old_motters

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Your husband is not "too laid back": he's either bone-idle or unwell. Either way, he needs your help and support to sort this out. If he won't accept it and do something about it, I'd walk.

Some people are not temperamentally suited to being an employee but those people are usually full of get-up-and-go because they want to be masters of their destinies.

You need a very serious talk with your husband and I think you need to be absolutely crystal-clear with him about why you are considering leaving.

I agree with this.

dizzyblonde82

My husband had a really bad phase of walking out of jobs with no notice and no thought to our family life, I did manage to get him to see his GP and he has been on anti-depressents for the last 10 months and has held a steady job which he enjoys since last September. If you can get him to see his GP and talk about any issues then they will be able to offer advice and help.

euronorris

Bella79 wrote: »

Hi


Thankyou for all your replys so far, i have supported him in the past, when he wanted to quit work to start the business i said tto him then why not carry on working start the business and if it takes off then you can leave employment, but nooo he said he couldnt do two jobs, so i agreed to let him leave and start the business and i swear i supported him 100%, i was back helping him 2 days after giving birth, i did all the paper work, calling,orderding etc all he had to do was go to the calls.

And im not sure ive got any support left in me, i was so pleased when he started working again as it took so much pressure of us, and i thought great its not a good job but we can manage.

Personally i dont think hes cut out for running his own business hes not got enough get up and go in him, sure he can talk the talk but he soon gets fed up and dispondant,and starts moaning about it. I would love him to prove me wrong but i cant help how i feel, he says he knows what ppl think of him etc, if he had the business and gave it 110% and it didnt work then fair enough but i dont think he did enough with it.

I left him a few weeks ago and stayed at my mums for a week and he was crying saying he know realises what hes got etc i mean the world to him, but nothings changed hes only taken our daughter to the park twice in her 5 years !, hes a good "gunna" going to do this that and other. im soo frustrated with him.

When i ask him to be more happy he says "what do i have to be happy about" ermmm me ? our daughter ? our lovely home ?, he says he cant be happy earning what hes earning and feels like a faliure, tbh i dont know what to say im all out of support, hes his own worst enemy

The part I've highlighted is ringing 'Depression' alarm bells loud and clear. Have you discussed this possibility with him? If so, what does he say? If not, talk to him and see if he will go to the GP and discuss the possibility of depression.

I'm aware that you may feel he has nothing to be depressed about, but it can happen for so many different reasons and sometimes for no reason at all. It's a chemical inbalance in the brain and needs to be addressed.

I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I thought you weren't supportive enough. I don't think that, in fact the opposite is true.

However, there is more than one way to be supportive of someone. In the past, I believe you may have made things too easy for him by picking up his slack, so to speak. If he wants to do it again, then he needs to prove that he is able to first by talking through with you exactly how he will achieve this, business plan, contingency plan, market research, who will do the admin (not you this time!), where will the capital come from, how long will he NEED to continue working for before the business is profitable enough for him to quit. He can't have it all his own way. Starting up a business is bl00dy hard work and usually requires someone to hold down a full time job to begin with. Just ask around on this board.

If he's serious, and he really wants to do it, he'll be able and willing to do all of those things. H'll, even if there are areas he struggles with, he should at least be proactive enough to find solutions. If he isn't able to do ALL of that, then he is NOT cut out for running his own business.

Sometimes, being supportive of a person is helping them to realise that their skills lie elsewhere.

Oh, and if you get to the point of leaving again, and he promises x, y and z, don't go back until he has shown that he will do x, y and z for a while. Once he has shown he can do that for a continued time period, you will know that he is actually taking it serious. Doing something one time, or just talking about it, isn't enough.

JodyBPM

If he's got the skills but not the get up and go, could you not work together to build a business? I can see lots of advantages. It would have flexibility for you if you are sick, you work as a team and do all the organising, pushing and admin, he gets to use his skills and be self employed, responsibility for the business would be joint and shared, and it could bring you much closer together working towards a joint goal. Seems like a win win situation.

Obviously I don't know what your sickness/disability is and how much you can do, but I do wonder if he is fed up having to turn up to boring mundane jobs each day for low pay whilst you sit at home. Granted, him throwing sickies is not a mature way to behave, but perhaps a shared venture with shared responsiblity for bringing the money in might be the way to go.

Gigervamp

JodyBPM wrote: »

If he's got the skills but not the get up and go, could you not work together to build a business? I can see lots of advantages. It would have flexibility for you if you are sick, you work as a team and do all the organising, pushing and admin, he gets to use his skills and be self employed, responsibility for the business would be joint and shared, and it could bring you much closer together working towards a joint goal. Seems like a win win situation.

Obviously I don't know what your sickness/disability is and how much you can do, but I do wonder if he is fed up having to turn up to boring mundane jobs each day for low pay whilst you sit at home. Granted, him throwing sickies is not a mature way to behave, but perhaps a shared venture with shared responsiblity for bringing the money in might be the way to go.

The thing is, the OP said they did that before, but he wouldn't answer the phone to clients and wouldn't go on certain calls and the business failed.

viktory

Not bad, nine posts before the inevitable "I'd leave him".

OP I also think your OH sounds depressed and I think the absolute best advice was given in post 6.

vodkafrog

I would agree with those who have suggest a visit to the GP. Men are notriousley poor at identifying 'depression' or any other mental illness. Our society suggest that men should be strong, stiff upper lip ect, however the 'avoident behviours' you describe such as calling in sick or refussing to deal with certin customers is suggestive of anxiety, and if left untreated for a long time can result in depression. However further assessment would help clarify the nature of his difficulties. Also it's not uncommon to hear partners of those with these difficulties to feel frustrated, angry and at a loss of what to do next. Possibly suggest that you acompany him on a vist to the GP in the first instance. Good Luck

glitterycloud

I could have written this post, my dh has not had a job for a year now.

We have a 15 month old and dh has been looking after LO as I managed to find to find well paying work and he hasn't. I wanted to stay home and look after our son and have DH out to work but it didn't work out that way. I didn't mind in the beginning but now it has worn thin.
DH does no housework, he moans about LO, has no energy and just sits at home. I come home to cook, clean and put LO to bed.
I have lost a lot of respect for my DH but i'm not about to throw the towel in just yet.
I am hoping a change of direction next month will help sort him out and get him out of the house and earning again.

My DH takes St Johns Wort to try and lift his mood and his energy levels, as he is a bit depressed which sounds alot like the OP other half. Try and get him to the docs.

jackieglasgow

Actually rather than depression, it sounded to me like the OH has some sort of autistic spectrum disorder, not being able to speak to some people, avoiding meeting people, making up excuses to leave jobs, lacking in get up and go can all be symptoms of some sort of communication disorder. Is he normally a sociable person, is he chatty, does he make eye contact, only you know your husband, if he has been like this as long as you have known him, could this be a possibility, rather than depression, or as well as?