confused over my marrige, advice needed pls

Bella79

Hello all,

Ive been a reg poster on these boards, but i really need some unbaised opnions on my marrige at the moment, where both in our late 30s and have one child whos 5, my husband is loyal and loving, but im not happy, and i think ive reached the end of the road, i know where not all perfect the major problem i have is my oh inability to hold down a job or work.

We have a beautiful house that was mainly paid for by his father giving us his home which we sold and brought this, my oh had his own business which i supported him in, i answered the phone did the books etc, he jst went out on calls , but even that caused problems cos he would not answer the phone to clients etc wouldnt go to certain jobs etc etc, this caused problems, the business failed he got another job a poop job min wage but a job it was the dif between paying the morg and not, they kept everyone else on but finished hub cos he had called in sick a few times, Move on my friend got him another job at a warehouse, again he got finished i think its cos he rang in sick a few times in 2 months !, now he has another job the FIRST week he called in sick saying to me he didnt like it couldnt handle it etc, i went mad sayingg "what will u do how will we pay morg if u lose your job" hes been there 3 weeks now and called in sick twice, yesteryday he should have finshed as 6 but came home at 12 cos hes "had enough", he went back today though.

He says i dont understand how crap the job is, i said " i do, im not saying its a fab job but it pays the bills (just), i dont mind if we are never rich as long as i can pay bills food on table and dd is ok, his attitiude is "ive told them i cant do that job and they neeed to move me or my work will drop, but they dont care" - erm well no they wont care they jst want u to do your job, its like they owe him.

Now hes saying he wants to go back to running his own business, he will get money from his dad, im not keen cos last time it caused nothing but problems hes so laid back.
my mum helps us out give us meat from her freezer and stuff, then i feel like the idiot when hes coming home from work early !

Thing is my oh is a really nice guy, not abusive, doesnt gamble drink, lets me go where i want doesnt begrudge me anyhting, i could easlily spend my life with him, but im not sure i want to, hes so misrible all the time like everythings too much effort for him.

I dont work recive benefits for a long standing illness, but they house is spotless he has a meal on the table everyday he comes in, i always bake stuff for his packup, i meal plan to try and make the money stretch, i sell stuff on ebay so we can afford luxurys. like a takeout etc.

He jst never seems happy, he says he loves me more than anything, but by him being like he is with work im losing respect for him and cant have a "wife husband" relationship, so for the rest of my life unless hes doing a job that pays laods and he doesnt have to do much i have to live with him moaning and being fed up all the time ?

Sorry for the rant x

georgie262

It can sometimes be demoralising working for peanuts in rubbish jobs but surely it's better than not working at all. Without knowing the details of your illness is it possible you could get a job? Part time or whatever? No real advice really but good luck

euronorris

I wonder if he is feeling under pressure to be the only worker in the household? Also, I wonder if he had big dreams of how his life would turn out, with a wonderful, great paying job etc etc, and now the reality has set in and he's feeling disappointed as it doesn't match up to his expectations.

Now, I'm not saying it's your fault you can't work, but that doesn't necessarily stop him from feeling the pressure. Nor am I saying that your life together isn't good enough, just that he may have expected things to be better in the financial/work department. It can be hard to adjust, but I feel he should at least try.

Have you tried talking to him about why he feels and acts the way he does? Have you asked him if he feels under pressure etc? If he says yes, let him know calmly that you also feel under pressure, and that is why you wish to work together with him to improve things as much as possible.

Also, try discussing with him what his dream jobs is, and see if it's achievable. If he can at least start working towards it, he may instantly feel a lot better. He'll probably still have moments where he feels down/disappointed, but then you can remind him that he is on the right path and will achieve it one day. In the meantime, you have plenty of other positives he can focus on. *this is all based on him wanting to achieve a dream job, of course*

Good luck xx

old_motters

'Nice guy' doesn't pay the bills or put food on the table. I'd have a serious chat with your husband as to what exactly his career aspirations are and why he won't stick a job out. Maybe he can fit in some re-training around his present employment to takes him closer to his goals.

Bella79

Thankyou for your advice so far, i tried talking to him and yes i think he does/did want better for himself and us as a family, he wants better money to be able to take us on holiday etc, which i understand, however hes never going to get that if he wont work, he said his dream was running his own business he had that and it didnt work mainly because hes a too laid back person to run a buiness, he would let jobs etc pass him by

RacyRed

1st thing I would do is get him to the doctors for a complete health check, including thyroid function (might have to insist on that as it is more common in women than men) and depression issues.

Some of the stuff you describe is ringing a massive bell.

euronorris

Bella79 wrote: »

Thankyou for your advice so far, i tried talking to him and yes i think he does/did want better for himself and us as a family, he wants better money to be able to take us on holiday etc, which i understand, however hes never going to get that if he wont work, he said his dream was running his own business he had that and it didnt work mainly because hes a too laid back person to run a buiness, he would let jobs etc pass him by

So keep talking and ask him how exactly he plans to achieve his goals. 'I'll start my own business' isn't specific enough. When he says that, ask him what business, where will he get the start up capital from, what is his business plan, what is his contingency for when times are hard, how will he do x, y and z, does he have the necessary qualifications to do the work, the necessary knowledge, the necessary tools?

It sounds as though he has trouble focusing his mind enough to achieve his goals. He may be scared of failure (particularly if he has failed in the past), and/or he may even be feeling like he is 'owed' it somewhat. He's possibly looking at others and thinking they have it all great and easy, and so feels hard done by. So ask him if he that's how he feels top. If he says yes, encourage him to talk to some of these people and ask them how they have achieved what they have. That will help to open his eyes a bit and make him realise that other people don't get it all easy and nice.

Bella79

He jst called me now from work to say " so am i still in the bad books ?, i said " what do you think ?, its our life our home etc" he said fine im going and hung up !

euronorris

Bella79 wrote: »

He jst called me now from work to say " so am i still in the bad books ?, i said " what do you think ?, its our life our home etc" he said fine im going and hung up !

Don't bite next time.

I would just say something like 'No dear (or whatever term of endearment you use), but we do need to talk about this so that we can find a solution that works for the family, but that will ultimately be more fulfilling for you, even if you need to retrain first. How about we discuss more about the own business idea tonight?'.

BitterAndTwisted

Your husband is not "too laid back": he's either bone-idle or unwell. Either way, he needs your help and support to sort this out. If he won't accept it and do something about it, I'd walk.

Some people are not temperamentally suited to being an employee but those people are usually full of get-up-and-go because they want to be masters of their destinies.

You need a very serious talk with your husband and I think you need to be absolutely crystal-clear with him about why you are considering leaving.

Bella79

Hi


Thankyou for all your replys so far, i have supported him in the past, when he wanted to quit work to start the business i said tto him then why not carry on working start the business and if it takes off then you can leave employment, but nooo he said he couldnt do two jobs, so i agreed to let him leave and start the business and i swear i supported him 100%, i was back helping him 2 days after giving birth, i did all the paper work, calling,orderding etc all he had to do was go to the calls.

And im not sure ive got any support left in me, i was so pleased when he started working again as it took so much pressure of us, and i thought great its not a good job but we can manage.

Personally i dont think hes cut out for running his own business hes not got enough get up and go in him, sure he can talk the talk but he soon gets fed up and dispondant,and starts moaning about it. I would love him to prove me wrong but i cant help how i feel, he says he knows what ppl think of him etc, if he had the business and gave it 110% and it didnt work then fair enough but i dont think he did enough with it.

I left him a few weeks ago and stayed at my mums for a week and he was crying saying he know realises what hes got etc i mean the world to him, but nothings changed hes only taken our daughter to the park twice in her 5 years !, hes a good "gunna" going to do this that and other. im soo frustrated with him.

When i ask him to be more happy he says "what do i have to be happy about" ermmm me ? our daughter ? our lovely home ?, he says he cant be happy earning what hes earning and feels like a faliure, tbh i dont know what to say im all out of support, hes his own worst enemy