Nightmare brother in law

wongstack

My brother in law is a nightmare, he's in his 40s but acts like a 12 year old school bully. Whenever my sister in law tries to leave him he makes threats to burn the house down or blow up her car

He is incredibly controlling, cheats on her and rings her up to find out where she is

The thing is my SIL knows what a prat he is but won't leave him, she even stands up for him when there is an argument.

He and I don't get along, before I came in to the family he had made threats to my wife. He tried bullying me, I quickly stood up to him and he showed his true colours as a bullying coward.

My parents in law were so desperate at one point they paid him 2k (a huge amount of money to the) to go leave, which he did for a few weeks, he then came back in to the picture and never repaid the money.

Despite all this he still thinks that my parents in law like him, he is oblivious to the fact that they hate his guts even though my MIL has told him exactly what she thinks of him

My sil is the victim in all this, the guy is borderline psychotic and we think she is too scared to leave him

If I listed all the things he's done here I'd be typing for a month.

My sil knows he's cheated, he has threatened her sister (my wife) and she still won't leave, it's been 15 years already

Any advice would be hugely appreciated

Thanks
He is

wongstack

Please ignore the "he is" at the bottom, typo :eek:

Fang_3

Break his legs? I'm joking of course.

mumps

All you can do, I think, is offer her support. If you try to pressure her she might feel bullied from both sides. The reality is women often take along time to leave a bullying husband. I hope she finds the strength and that you are all there for her when she does.

tanith

To be honest its really up to your sil , its her life and if she won't leave him what can you do? not a lot. I would keep my distance and not let it affect my life.. be there if she asks for help but keep out of it if you value your sanity......

mountainofdebt

Help her start up an escape fund so that when she has picked up the courage to leave him, she has the means to.

Get the account set up so that it is completely on line although be careful what address she uses just in case the institution writes to her for what ever reason.

grey_lady

Do you think she wants to leave him? If she does then you could suggest she talks to womens aid.

elsien

It's possible that she's not just scared of what he might do, but is also scared of having to face the practicalities of striking out on her own - finances, place to live, protecting the kids (if they have any). It's a massive step to take for anyone, let alone someone who's maybe lost self-confidence or had it bullied out of her.
It has to be her choice, no-one can make it for her. Just find out some of her options or impartial people she can talk to so if she does ask for help you know where to point her. And try not to fall out with the husband so much that he cuts you out of their lives completely - if she gets isolated from family it'll be all the harder for her to make the break.
Then let her know you're there for her if she needs you, and just play the waiting game. (Without getting drawn into it all, if you can, although that's easier said than done.)

wongstack

Thanks for all the ideas and comments

She has definitely had her self confidence bullied out of her

I think I will start posting or emailing womens aid leaflets to her work address once a fortnight. This way she can get help if she wants to without me getting directly involved

Thanks again

Sambucus_Nigra

wongstack wrote: »

Thanks for all the ideas and comments

She has definitely had her self confidence bullied out of her

I think I will start posting or emailing womens aid leaflets to her work address once a fortnight. This way she can get help if she wants to without me getting directly involved

Thanks again

Why are you scared of getting directly involved?

Posting leaflets to her workplace is a little 'harassment' if you ask me.....although you probably mean well.

What does your wife think about all this?

wongstack

Over the years we have all been involved directly, it doesn't seem to work. There have been fights, arguments etc. Even the woman he was cheating with went to my sil's house and said "oh, he's sleeping in your bed tonight is he"

It doesn't seem to matter what any of us do, she has to feel safe enough to leave him, she needs to be aware there are groups that can help her.

Believe me, we have tried in so many ways, the bottom line is that it's her choice. All we can do is offer her help and support.

Maybe we won't send the leaflets that often, we'll probably get together and discus it as a family then decide.